Dating an older woman as a younger woman?

[Buzzardgizzard]

I see a lot of posts about heterosexual couples, often OM/YW.

I am 27 and haven’t had a lot of dating experience. One LTR, and only slept with that one other person who was my age.

Im in a relationship with a 39 y/o woman, and I am very in love with her. But I worry about the age gap which people also say gets worse with time. She is in good shape overall.

I partially feel like I have never had great sex or just the experience of young love, and she is already heading into her last chance of child years.

Maybe it’s just anxiety and I can just get rid of it, but will I have a regret for the rest of my life that I wasted the carefree time of my 20s?

She's 39 not 79 she's still young

27 and 39 is veeeery different to 17 and 29 though, as an example. Unless you have no life experience whatsoever and feel like you’re being used or exploited in some way I’m not seeing why an age gap, at your age, is particularly troubling. You say yourself you very much love her. Are you listening too much to other peoples opinions? Though you also say you’ve never had good sex - including her? Those two things seem conflicted - what are your actual feelings about her?

OP your talking about her as if she's ancient! Have you asked her what she wants in life for her long term. Does she even want kids?

My partner and I are 10 years apart. Both women - she's older. It's really no big deal. I'm early 40s and she's early 50s and we are very happy.

Are you on the same page with what you want out of life? Do you have the same values? Are you both stable in careers?

You’re going to give her a complex with that attitude.
You don’t sound emotionally mature enough for this sort of relationship.
If you really loved her, you wouldn’t think twice about her age.
And since when is 39 on the cusp of decline!? I know several 39 and beyond who make women in their 20s look like slackers.
I feel a bit sorry for this poor woman.

Why exactly are you with her?

I will freely, and ironically admit I’m not the most emotionally mature person. That, to start out with is one reason that the age gap feels more noticeable.

But the real reason is a cautionary thread I saw on here asking an equivalent age gap with a YM/OM. So many women were taking about how the gap feels wider the older you get, and discouraging it.

I wanted to see what women say for lesbian relationships. Quite a different tenor of response.

She is in good shape overall.

To quote the Scam kids: Seriøs?

I know there are women in relationships with women on MN so I hope they will come soon and add their experiences but you may also want to post on forums with a bigger bi and lesbian crowds.

I would say, you had 7 years before getting with her to live your carefree 20s. What had you done in them? You said you've never had great sex, maybe she isn't the one then if you can't connect sexually? Maybe it's an issue that you need therapy for if you have any body or sexual trauma issues? Basically work out why you are not having the most fulfilling sex and do something about it.

You talk about children, did she give you the assumption that she wants to a. have children and b. carry them herself?! This is something for you two to discuss. You don't say how long you've been together but these things need clarifying if things are serious between you.

As it stands there is a 12 year gap. This a big gap but isn't shockingly so. Nobody can tell you whether YOU will regret this or not, sorry.
You need to think of how things are now and make the best informed decision with what you do know now because you might well be the one getting ill and needing a carer!

OP, I think the fact you're even here asking if you should trust your gut that it isn't right is a sign that it isn't right. If you were genuinely head over heels happy with her then you wouldn't see her age as a problem to be considered. It's a comparatively tiny gap.

I think in your gut you're worried you're going to miss out on a lot by dating someone who is already at the stage where they'd need to crack on if they wanted kids, and that's okay. It's okay to want to be with someone of a similar age to go through life and firsts together. Doesn't make you a bad person, it just means it's not right.

12 years is too big an age gap imo. Though also in my experience, women don’t age as badly as men. I’m not necessarily talking about visually but mentally. I’m in my 50s and my female friends are amazing but many of the men have become grumpy and seem a lot older than women.

But yes, if she wants to have kids then she has to decide now.

if you want a lot of sex with different people then you shouldn’t be with her. I personally have mostly only had long term relationships - quality over quantity

I can offer my friend's experience. She is 35 and prefers to be the slightly older one in the relationship. She is currently with someone who is 28 but on the same page in terms of what she wants out of life, financially, with work, etc.

Over the past couple of years, she has dated women in their early/mid 20s and, without exception, found them to be emotionally immature and needy.

Her opinion is that age gap relationships work between OM/YW because men like the balance of power to be in their favour whereas women (or she at least) are looking for a more equal relationship.

Obviously, that's only her experience and her opinion but that's what you've asked for so... 🤷🏻‍♀️

You mention her childbearing years. Does she even want children? Could you carry them?

And as for wasting the carefree years of your 20s, you're nearly out of them anyway, it would be the same if you were dating someone your own age and... she's only 39!

My friend says that it's hard finding someone she connects with anyway because the lesbian dating pool is much smaller than the hetero one. So, if you want to be in a committed relationship, and you love her, that might be worth considering.

Besides, a lot of the issues that arise in straight relationships with ageing partners won't apply because women generally take better care of themselves and age better than men 🤷🏻‍♀️

Some good points here all around. If I knew how to edit my OP I would. As far as my 20s… There is a reason I didn’t date for over a year after my previous relationship that was under a year. The dating pool is small, my gf lives 400 miles away. I’m probably inflating this idea of what the remainder of my 20s would be without her. She has joked that she keeps me young, and I don’t think she’s entirely wrong about that.

To clarify my OP, my girlfriend is an amazing person, and I don’t say that lightly. I would be surprised if I could “do better” than her.

We both want children, and she does want her own. I also want her to have children because frankly I think the world would be better for it if she genetically reproduces. I would surrogate her child but I wonder if she wouldn’t feel she had missed out. That being said, I have a cousin once-removed who gave birth at 40 or so and whose advice was “DONT DO IT”. Unfortunately, we are financially far off from being able to do that anyway.

For the record I’m posting here because it is way less toxic than Reddit.

We’ve been together for around half a year, we met in January 2022.

The sex stuff, you’re right. I/we do need to work on it. My gf has done a lot of therapy and put the work in to become mentally healthy, but I still have a ways to go.

Thanks for giving me an opportunity to get my thinking straight.

Anyone can be an arsehole, in het and SS relationships. Age gaps aren't an issue if there isn't a power imbalance. I know of a couple who got together when the younger one was still in uni, the older one in a well established career with letters after their name, owning a small business, etc. The younger one has been utterly swallowed up by the older one, is now part of the business and they are deeply enmeshed. It's worrying to see the younger one not having had a chance to live an independent adult life before marriage, step children, mortgage, etc took over. They are both women.

So it's more about stage of life and equity rather than age gaps or sex of partners.

She lives 400 miles away and you’ve only known each other since January. Can’t you find someone closer?? And she needs therapy… that’s a whole load of complications for someone like you who is young and wants to live a little before settling down.

I am a gay woman who only dates older women. For example when I was 18 I was with a 28 year old, 22 and 41 and another where i was 20 and she was 63. All that matters is that you click and find each other attractive. It doesnt matter what others think or even if they notice. People thought one of the women i dated was my grandma but we just laughed it off. I hope it goes well OP!! X

She has joked that she keeps me young, and I don’t think she’s entirely wrong about that.

I think you're going to have a shock when you hit 39 amd realise that, aside from having a bit more clarity ad security in you're life, you won't actually be all that dferent (or feel any older) than you do now 😉

I'm 48. I wouldn't date a man in his 20s (tried it) because they feel are 'immature' but I'm certainly not 'old'.

*your

Bloody autocorrect!

I think I'd find the distance gap a lot worse than the age one - how often can you see each other? I don't think 12 years is necessarily a problem. I once dated a woman who was 26 years older than me and that was way too much, but that was to do with her being controlling and thinking that she knew best what was good for me and how I should manage my life - if she'd been a different sort of person, maybe it would have been OK. If your gf doesn't do that at all, that's good. But it sounds like you are unsure at a deeper level and maybe using the age gap as an easy explanation for other issues.