AIBU to think I was groomed by this man?

[pansonicsong]

When I was 17 I was in a band and involved in the local music scene. I was the only girl in the band. We played some gigs and this older guy (who was about 32) took us under his wing, he was a stalwart of the local music scene, ran an indie record label, knew everyone, that sort of person. He was so nice to me, I did most of the writing in the band and he took it upon himself to mentor me, he was always making me up tapes, lending me books and wanting to spend time with me. I was naive enough to think he just liked the band and was being kind and supportive.

Obviously what was actually happening was that he wanted to have sex / a relationship with me. I remember when he actually kissed me I felt sick but thought that it would be rude and unkind of me to refuse him after how nice and helpful he had been to us, to me. He kept saying he "would love for us to fuck". I was in his flat and faked being on my period (although he said he didn't mind) to get away. I ended up leaving my band (which then split up) because I couldn't face seeing him, it affected a lot of friendships I'd formed as he was very popular and such a nice guy but looking back I feel like he groomed me with the intent to use me for sex because he probably liked teenage girls.

I still see him pop up on my social media feeds sometimes because I am still in contact with people who know him and I always feel sick when I see his face and wonder how many other young girls he groomed or tried it on with over the years, I know he was at least sometimes successful. I have even had nightmares where I hurt him which I think are my way of trying to take control of what happened. Looking back I can just see so many instances where adult men tried have sex or a relationship with me when I was really young, including being formally asked out by a 34 year old when I was 14! I think the one I discribed though feels the worst because of the prolonged grooming that went on and how it made me feel like i ought to just do what he wanted. I think even for a long time i made all sorts of excuses for him in my mind but in reality he was just a predator.

Yes it was grooming.

Sounds like this fucker needs to have his own #MeToo moment.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation Thank you for replying, yeah I think it would be good if he and everyone else realised what a creep he was back then. If I ever see him again I'd like to think I'd tell him how it made me feel at least.

You absolutely were and the fact that you had to pretend to be on your period shows what a messed up world we lived/live in.

Out of interest, how old are you? I found this type of thing to be the norm when I was young (and I'm not that old.. 35) and I got shocked faces when I talked about older boys/ men picking up 14 year old girls in their cars. I feel like it was a 'small town' mentality from the place I grew up. The women I was speaking to were older than me but fro different parts of the country.

Personally I always thought it was abhorrent that older men 'fancied' young girls. The whole thing makes my skin crawl. I totally understand why you feel the way you do.

@WishingWell5 Thanks for your reply. I'm early 40's now so this would have been happening in the late 90's and this all happened in quite a big city.

I used to make so many excuses for these men even when I was looking back, that they were perhaps inexperienced, or with the guy I talked about he didn't meet single women his own age and so had no option but to pursue younger women etc. Now I can see he had a preferance for girls and that was probably a big motivation for him being involved with the music scene.

I went to see a room in a house as a student, it was a large house owned by a man in his 40's who dressed like a 20 something, he had 5 girls living there and he himself had a room in the attic where he could peep down at his tennents, he didn't like to give rooms to males to keep as he said "his girls safe". The rent was very cheap but I still passed on that house. So many predatory men in this world. I hope its harder for them to get away with this stuff now.

I think the interest in very young girls is evidence that for some men, women are just bodies to use and not really people at all. If they saw our personhood they would see those girls as children and not sex objects. I also think that men like that tend to be afraid of adult women who see them for what they are.

I am of similar age to you, and had grown men who knew my age being inappropriate all the time..as did my friends quite normal for the 90s I think