Dh is becoming a shouty old man and I don't know what to do

[Serenissima21]

Dh is early sixties and generally we get on ok although we've had our ups and downs. Over the last year or so he's got louder and louder. I've suggested a hearing test but apparently he doesn't need one and I mumble. He wfh quite a bit and he is constantly shouting on the phone/video call. As well as the shouting he has got this attitude now that he is always right about everything- and I don't mean big debates I mean everything. If he's going out and I say "can you get some milk?" He'll say "we don't need any" automatically. When I ask him if he knows how much we've got in the fridge, he doesn't. He just contradicts or questions automatically. The other day I asked him to switch the windscreen wipers off (it had stopped raining ages ago and they were squeaking). He said "why?" It makes talking with him very tiresome. In fact, the kids and I try not to talk to him too much as it's such hard work but that makes me sad as he didn't used to be like this. Is this normal ageing or is something else going on? I just feel like I can't chat to my partner anymore and it feels very lonely.

He is clearly going deaf which is not unsurprising at 60+ He needs to get his hearing checked and sorted out first and maybe he needs someone else other than you to suggest this. is he getting up to pee a lot in the night and maybe tired during the day so very grumpy? some doctors offer a well man session for men in their sixties so perhaps again seeing if this is possible and getting your gp to invite him along if they do might be a way to go. This isnt normal aging and he needs to be aware that either he takes some actions to sort things out or you cant really carry on as you are.

What has he said when you told him you are lonely and don't feel that the communication between you both is the same as it used to be?

I see two separate issues, the shouting probably due to hearing loss or perhaps just habit and the combative responses. I'd try to tackle the second by taking the approach of wondering if he is happy with life and your relationship because the way he talks would suggest he isn't. Make it about your concerns for him. And go from there. Layer I'd introduce the impact it has on the rest of the family.

"In fact, the kids and I try not to talk to him too much as it's such hard work but that makes me sad as he didn't used to be like this"

On the other hand it may well be he's always been like this towards you but you've noticed this far more since he started to do the same to the children as well. He does this because he can. He knows what he is doing here and has no remorse. I would also think this treatment is solely reserved for you people as his family; he probably comes across as mild mannered and or otherwise quite banal and/or plausible to those in the outside world.

Why are you and he still together?. What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

This is no life for you or your children is it?. Living with this Dominator is no fun at all. Better to be on your own with your children than to be so badly accompanied. What do you think your children are learning about relationships here from you two as their parents?. Would you want them to be in a relationship like described, no you would not and its not good enough for you either.

You could well end up being your H's carer going forward. One day too your kids will leave home and sooner rather than later to get away from their dad. Your own relationship with them could be at risk going forward because in their eyes they could see you as weak by putting him before them.

Does this man notice that his children avoid speaking to him? Does he care? He sounds selfish and grumpy. Have someone else suggest checking his hearing, as he won't listen to you. It might help with some of it. It's not normal.

Might seem an obvious question but have you talked to him about this? A proper conversation about his behaviour might clarify more?

Its definitely not “normal” ageing. I’m not sure what your examples have to do with deafness (except the shouting when working).

If you can get him to do it, there’s an RNID hearing check you can do online.

Thanks everyone. I'll convince him to get his hearing tested and work on the rest. I definitely don't want to LTB so I think there is hope! He doesn't get up at all at night, that would be me!

Its not your job to act as some sort of rehab centre to such a man. I would also put a crisp fiver on it he will outright refuse to get his hearing tested by saying there's nothing wrong with him/his hearing and its all your fault anyway.

And you can also change your mind about currently at least not wanting to leave him. Ask yourself honestly why that is as well.

"I've suggested a hearing test but apparently he doesn't need one and I mumble".

And this sentence in your initial post is exactly why I wrote my comments. Its always someone else's fault in these types of men's heads; never their own.

Hearing loss absolutely expected, especially if he spent any time near loud unregulated speakers in his youth!

The constant nonsense opposition is a killer, my ex was like this and I don't know if it's something that developed but it was quite chronic in the end. I'd hear a weather report for instance, in the car on the way home saying that it was say, an unseasonable cold snap, I'd get in the house and say, ooh it's cold out isn't it? And he would look at me as if I was an idiot and say, No, it's quite warm. He would argue that black was white, day was night. It's death to conversation, and relationship.

I don't know what's behind it, whether it's a control thing, but it's not fun. I hear you.

@AttilaTheMeerkat You seem very sure that he can't change! He is actually like this with everyone, not just me. And he's just agreed to a hearing test so you owe me a fiver...

I don't want to worry you but the change in personality could be from an underlying health condition. My Dad became increasingly grumpy over 18 months. My mum put it down to work stress and lived with the kind of attitude that would have many telling her to leave him. She finally realised something was seriously wrong when after a vomiting bug he became disorientated, confused and had lost his memory. My mum and a neighbour took him to hospital where they found out his sodium levels were dangerously low. Without any idea of how long it had been going on they had to raise his sodium levels very slowly to avoid organ failure. He was in hospital for nearly 8 weeks. It happened a second time but she was quicker to spot the symptoms and he was willing to go to a doctor. When recovered he's been back to his usual funny relaxed self but it was so gradual the first time it didn't occur to anyone that it could be a health issue.

Such men rarely if ever change.

He will only change if he wants to change. He's learnt that acting like he does also around other people works for him. He's agreed to a hearing test, good. Do not do anything else particularly like looking up people to see or booking this for him. Whether he actually goes or not is another matter entirely.

I would be thinking that maybe he should have a cognitive check
From recent experience with family members I can see the behavioural changes starting in their sixties and progressing

OH they do get grumpier. With girlfriends this has been discussed. I have when I remember started counting the moans out loud. Start in the morning, 1,2,3,4,5. . by the time I get to four he starts watching what he says. He honestly doesn't realize.

The Victor Meldrew habits aren't attractive

Excellent news about the hearing test thats a good start. if you can get him to a well man session they are really worth it. a good mot and it should let him/the doctors know if there are any underlying issues. fwiw, I think men go through this, a bit like a menopause (manopause) hopefully he will come out the other side as his old self. good luck.

OP have you tackled him about the contrariness and grumpy controllingness? I think that's much more serious than the deaf shouting. If you haven't I'd wonder why not - perhaps he has always been domineering towards you and the children but you've not allowed yourself to see it?