Am I being unfair?

[RooRem2]

Just want to know if I’m being unreasonable. DP goes football training Tuesdays he goes out at 5:30, gets home at 9. Wednesdays he plays a match, leaves again at 5:30 doesn’t get home until 10-10:30. This Wednesday he’s playing a team that’s 2 hours away so may be back even later. Thursday training again. 5:30-9. Then Saturdays depending what time the match starts he out of the house for 7 hours. He gets home from work at 4:30 so by the time he’s been toilet and got ready he’s not had time to help me out. We have a 5 year old who is very hard work and an 18 month old. I am a sahm so very tired and stressed. He works full time so I guess he is too. DS is in a football team (he joined before DP joined his team) DS trains on a Wednesday and plays match on Saturday. DP started off taking DS, but now because of his football, I have to take him. I don’t mind but he is missing out watching DS play, DS loves his dad watching. Before DP joined this team, he told me he’d be training for 1 hour a week and one match on a Saturday which would be local teams so he wouldn’t be back late. I was a bit unsure at first because it would mean we would miss out on family days out on Saturdays but didn’t want to come across controlling so didn’t say anything. We got into a bit of an argument last night about it and he threw in my face that his teammates partner had 2 kids and she doesn’t go on at her DP. I feel as if I’m a single parent to be honest. I probably should have said something before he joined but like I said he played down the amount of time he’d be out of the house. I tried to talk to him about it last night but he just shrugged his shoulders.

He is a selfish git

"Before DP joined this team, he told me he’d be training for 1 hour a week and one match on a Saturday which would be local teams so he wouldn’t be back late. I was a bit unsure at first because it would mean we would miss out on family days out on Saturdays but didn’t want to come across controlling so didn’t say anything"

It would not have come across as controlling if you had said something to him and now he's playing football or in training four days out of seven. I am wondering why you did not say anything to him beforehand; were you on some level afraid of his reaction?.

What does he do in your home the other three days when he is not off out playing football?. Its also not a question of he being unable and or unwilling to "help" either so do not call it "help"; he is half responsible too for the housework, the children and life admin.

Even if his team mate's partner also has two kids yada yada it still does not make what you have here ok. You have two children and a manchild in the shape of this man who sees you as a soft touch and is using football as some sort of get out clause from family life. You call him DP; I would drop the D from that description of him. Are you married to him?.

He will do as you allow.
Speak up for yourself - expectations, not requests. Followed by consequences.

He is comfortable to shrug off your requests now, because there are no consequences. Are you prepared to put consequences in place?

First step for me if clearly voiced expectations were not met is, removal of affection and sex, and a life on the sofa for him.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I wouldn’t say afraid exactly, more like I just can’t be bothered with it because no matter what I say he’ll make it out to be my fault to the point where I think it is me.
The other 3 days he goes to work, gets home at 4:30 goes straight to the toilet, spends half an hour on it, comes down and goes on his phone on the football WhatsApp group. He will see to the kids but not as much as I think he could. I’ll ask him something or try and talk to him and I’ll have to repeat myself 2/3 times because he hasn’t realised I’ve been speaking to him because he’s too busy on his phone.
He spits his dummy out. No we aren’t married

@PetalParty I guess I’m just not strong enough because he somehow always manages to turn it round on me until the point I question if I am the problem. I know I need to be stronger

It sounds like you're doing practically everything alone, so I'd be wondering what exactly he brings to your life.

What is the situation re this property and finances?. Have you got a plan to return to the workplace?. I ask because you are unmarried and are currently a SAHM. You are in an extremely vulnerable position here.

What is the point of you and he being together at all?. Quite apart from his football he is behaving poorly towards you and in turn your children who are not seeing much of him either. What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here?. They're seeing you as some sort of skivvy/unpaid maid. Your man certainly is treating you as such and without a right to reply or complain.

Yanbu

Youve had 2 kids with some one who isn't interested in them or you.

What exactly does he bring to your family life other than money?

Get a job and start going out 2 nights a week and all day sunday

@AttilaTheMeerkat We rent, it’s in both of our names. He has his wage, which he pays towards things, then I pay for things with the universal credit we receive. I also get PIP for my epilepsy. I am looking into getting a job soon once I have found a nursery etc. I do wonder sometimes what’s the point in being together when he’s living life as he has no responsibilities.

@Topgub He doesn’t bring much else really. Maybe a bit of help with the kids but as I said he could definitely help me more. He just doesn’t seem to want to. I’m looking into getting back into work soon and I’ve been thinking of taking up a hobby where he will have to pull his weight.

@RooRem2

Stop thinking and start doing

@Topgub Good point😁

Arrange a girls night out and make it a regular thing . Even if you just meet for coffee and a chat it will help your mental health. Your DP can not expect to live a single life when he has a family, its totally unacceptable. Book your self into a spa once a month on a Sunday and take a day for yourself. The balance in your relationship needs addressing