Marriage

[DaisyDooxox]

Hi all.

I’m 26 years old and came out of an 8 year long term relationship this year. It’s always been a dream of mine to be married one day, and this definitely wasn’t looking like it was happening in my previous relationship.

Anyway- 5 months ago I met a 28 year old man who is now my boyfriend. We met through online dating, which allowed me to ask him questions early on as to his future intentions.

He said how in a couple of years, it was his dream to get married and have children. This sounded so great to me, as I’m not looking for anything serious or too intense straight away (obviously), but I have always hoped that it would be on the cards.

Anyway - his dad came to visit yesterday and we went for some drinks. His dad has had two failed marriages and is quite cynical about marriage. When we were talking, the dad was saying about how he i against marriage. My boyfriend said ‘yeah that’s not on the cards for me anyway’ (I’m unsure if he was joking around or if this was serious). They then started jokingly talking about how if you’re married, the woman tends to leave and take everything.

I know I should just live in the moment, as that’s where I went wrong in my previous relationship. But it’s hard. I don’t want to waste another 8 years with the wrong person.

Any advice?

Thanks.

I would never get married again, so I’m no help to you. But what I would say is that you need to be with some you love and want to spend the rest of your life with, not someone who just so happens to want to be married too.

Your boyfriend is a sexist arsehole, and so is his dad.

'Being married' is a pointless, meaningless 'ambition'. What else do you want to do with your life? Crack on and do that.

He may have just been saying this to please his father. Before you go on with this relationship you may need to have another talk with him as it would be heart breaking if several years down the line he really didn't want to marry. Sadly I am very cynical too about marriage and never have married due to seeing how it can all end so badly. That doesnt mean I wont support my friends who choose it (some of then have been married 3 times) so there must be something in it!

Ask him why he told you one thing and his dad the opposite. He was lying to one of you and you have a right to know if he’s pathetically trying to impress his dad or wasting your time.

Why do you want to date a misogynist?

What other ambitions do you have? Why the rush to get married? You're only 26!

I wouldn't pin your hopes on your BF tbh. You've found him out. Bin him.

Ask him why he said that, he may just have been saying it to please his dad but even still, he should be able to say how he honestly feels.
This has happened to my sil, she’s been dating someone for 4 years, he really wanted to get married and have children but not had decided it’s not for him but he still wants to be with her. I’ve said the same to her as I will you, you’re young so still have plenty of time so if marriage is really something you want one dah and he can’t commit to it then move on and spend some time with you so you can meet someone who wants the same things.

I'd speak to him about it. "Last night you were talking some absolute sexist bullshit with your dad - do you really believe that?"

Maybe not in those words 😁

And if you decide to stick around a bit, be on the alert for how he talks about women generally and what he says when you're not his sole audience.

If you know you want marriage and it turns out he's not on the same page, then if it's a dealbreaker, move on.

Not a nice way for his Dad to make you feel, he sounds like a plonker.

Put your cards on the table with bf and ask if he meant it or was just acting up around his Dad xx

It sounds like he's too immature to stand up to his dad so instead sinks himself to his dads level.

If he isn't mature enough to be able to disagree with his dad, then he is not mature enough to marry. And if he genuinely agrees with his dad on this, then he is a liar. Either way, I don't think I would be thinking of him a a life partner and father to my children. Sorry.

I would be more concerned about is sexist stupid attitude.

Perhaps he was saying that stuff to please his Dad (still not a great sign).

As what he said was at odds with what he's previosuly said, he was either lying at he start or he wasn't reflecting his true feelings yesterday. OR he's changed his mind in the meantime. It makes sense to ask him if his attitude to marriage has changed, but also PLEASE challenge the stupid mysognestic remarks.

I wouldn’t worry about the not on the cards comment - it just means not now and might have been a way of deflecting.
I’d be fuming with the sexist shit

His father has 2 broken marriages behind him. Was he trying to appear smart in front of his Dad or was he showing his true colours?
Perhaps he said he wants marriage and kids down the line so you and him would become a couple?
Your only 26. Why is marriage and having a family so important to you? Have you a mother, parents or relations pushing how important a relationship is or that getting married and having kids the most important thing in life? I know in some cultures it very important to get married and have children.

If you want marriage and kids I would ask your boyfriend what age he like to get married at and how many kids he like. How he reacts should tell you how he really feels. If you know he is not interested or he fobs you off I would just tell him it's over as long term you want different things.
I would not waste time hanging around with a man who is not interested in marriage or children when this is something that you want.

Banter?

Meet up with them both a few more times when living in the moment. Is he like his Dad or are there some clear character differences? That is what you need to look for, without any 'grey noise' in your head.

So to get the timings right, u had only been single 3 months ish after an 8 year relationship before embarking on online dating?? Have you identified why the need for coupledom, as u would have only been young when u met ur ex?
Perhaps take some time to work out who u are as a person and enjoy your twenties. There's no rush

Here’s my take on marriage, from my experience of being married twice and observing every other married couple I know. In the long run it brings added value to the lives of the husbands and kids but, the majority of the time, it’s the wives and mothers who do much of the grunt work that wears you down, that the men and kids just don’t see. Of all the couples I know, and I know from working class, middle class and upper class, that seems to be the case in the majority of them, whether the women work FT, PT or not at all. I can count on one hand where the relationship looks to be equal. Enjoy your life being you OP. Don’t look at being married with kids as the be all and end all. It really isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. And I’m happily married who takes no shit and makes everyone pull their weight.

Apples dont fall too far from trees in my expierence

I have no interest in getting married but would like to have a family

I was dating someone who casually mentioned 'he wasnt sure about children - and probably not that interested' after having on his bumble profile 'wants someday'. Eye roll. He was 37/38. I learned the hard way OP to walk away from these guys at any signs of ambiguity.

Do not make the mistake I made in my late twenties and early 30s

Your bf and his dad sound like a pair of misogynists. I’d run.

Marriage is generally pretty shit. I wouldn't bother unless you want a load of misery.

Have more ambitions in your life than to "get married and have kids" as that's pretty poor IMO.

If he's talking like that with his dad in front of you, sounds like he gave you the 'want marriage and kids one day' line to get you into bed. They'll say whatever they need to, unfortunately. Their actions and uncalculated statements alone speak the truth. I wouldn't write someone off for having shite parents, you can't control that. Pandering to them is another thing.