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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The good old curtesy and boundaries

13 replies

Pegsonstrings · 09/08/2022 03:57

So on Thursday night an ex friend of my ex flew over to see us from abroad. Last time I saw him was eight years ago when he stayed with us in my home for a couple of days. This stay then was pleasant.

This “friend” is the only connection my child, now adult, has to his father who is not in my child’s life.

As soon as he gets here I regretted it having offered him to stay in my home. The man is in his fifties so not a young one, was obnoxious and rude to people including myself. Helped himself to my things using up my food and other resources, and telling me repeatedly out of the blue rules don’t apply to him and being selfish is vital, and that he won’t hesitate to take from people if it benefits him. Any topic that came up he had to be right on. Fat shamed people and I was on multiple occasions astounded by his blunt remarks he made to both me and staff at places we visited.

Went into a mood because I would not sleep with him. I repeated that he is a friend to my childs father and it’s not something I just do. Said he liked the look of me and wanted a fwb. Wile man.

three nights into his seven night stay and I have told him to go into a hotel. He was livid and although he has left to a hotel, it wasn’t until after him waltzing all over me over text while I was at work. He sent a last text to say goodbye for good which I replied to saying it was for the best.

why am I writing? Because i feel guilty as I have never had to do this before with anyone, and he was the only connection to my childs father and this invitation was made after he got in contact after eight years, and my child was really looking forward to it.

Has anyone been in this position where they have had to do similar? And why the guilt when the man was clearly rude and lacked general social etiquette? Why the heck do I feel guilty?

OP posts:
Sagealicious · 09/08/2022 05:10

You have nothing to feel guilty about. If it was me I'd have shoved him out the door quick smart and would never speak to him again. Think of it as taking out the rubbish.

GreyCarpet · 09/08/2022 05:32

Well done for kicking him out!

I read your post expecting it to be yet another 'a man is behaving like a twat, how do I make myself OK with it?' post. And it wasn't!

And that is why you feel guilty. Women are expected to not have boundaries and to put themselves last especially for the comfort of men.

Well done for standing up for yourself!

Kleptronic · 09/08/2022 05:38

Women are socialised to acquiesce, keep the peace, be good hostesses and put men first. This is oppressive patriarchal bullshit but might have something to do with your conflicted feelings, as well as your child's wish to know more of the father through this 'friend'.

In acting to protect yourself you have modelled strong boundaries for your child. I am glad you kept yourself safe and demonstrated excellent parenting.

Annoyedwithmyself · 09/08/2022 06:52

Well done for getting this tosser to leave!

StarlightLady · 09/08/2022 09:31

I don’t usually make comments like this, but what an obnoxious despicable man. Not only does he think he has an entitlement to your things, he thinks he has an entitlement to your body as well.

PrincessRamone · 09/08/2022 09:34

Give yourself permission to be angry.

Pinkspice · 09/08/2022 09:40

I want to cheer you for actually getting rid of him. Before I got to the end I thought you were going to be angsting about how to get him to leave. You have done nothing wrong but as PPs have said we've been socialised to play nice to the detriment of ourselves.

Try thinking about how this idiot hasn't got any shame about his behaviour. He should be mortified about treating you and your home so badly.

Be proud of yourself and for having firm boundaries.

Dery · 09/08/2022 09:50

You shouldn’t feel guilty.

It’s instructive that this is how friends of your ex behave. Sounds like you and your DC are much better off without your ex in your lives if this is the kind of company he keeps.

Pegsonstrings · 09/08/2022 11:05

Was not expecting these replies but I am so glad to read them. Yes us women are taught to tolerate, and put up with too much nonsense. I won’t be speaking to him again, and after everyone’s encouraging replies neither will I feel guilty about it. thanks everyone and have a wonderful day 🌼

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 09/08/2022 11:39

Oldraver · 09/08/2022 11:55

I have a very similar story... My late DH had a very obnoxious friend who I tolerated for years though in the end DH did tell him to button it.

He came a few times after DH died but continued to be obnoxious so made myself unavailable. He too thought he could take over from DH 🙄

22 odd years later he is carrying on the relationship with DS even though he won't have him in his house

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 09/08/2022 14:28

Cunts of a feather flock together, don't they.

Hope your DS is not too despondent. Well done for showing him that we don't put up with people who are treating us badly.

Watchkeys · 09/08/2022 14:53

Did you have to put up with a parent dismissing your feelings when you were a kid, OP? Sometimes we then feel like our feelings are something that 'should' be dismissed, so expressing them feels bad/cringey/guilt-ridden/anxiety inducing etc

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