Am I ever going to recover from emotional abuse/divorce?

tickticksnooze · 08/08/2022 20:49

Less than a year is a very short time to adjust to all that upheaval and try to recover from trauma. It's still very recent and there is a lot to process. Doubting yourself and questioning your decisions is part of how humans come to terms with loss and change - it's a temporary feeling that will pass.

Give yourself time. It will get better - that feeling of hopelessness comes from your trauma. Over time the trauma will gradually heal and you will notice the hopelessness gets smaller and smaller until one day you suddenly look back and realise how much better you're doing. Hopefulness quietly sneaks up on us like that.

It will get better, even if you can't picture it yet, it will still get better. I've seen it happen for friends and myself. It will happen for you.

category12 · 08/08/2022 20:52

How long were you with him?

I don't think you can expect to be "over" being abused, presumably for years, within a year. Try to see every day as a little victory and a step forward. It will get easier. You will be happy again.

PrettyPollysParrot · 08/08/2022 20:55

Thank you for the encouragement. It really helps.

I was with him for 15 years but its only be bad for the last few (after DC really).

LucyLatimer · 08/08/2022 20:55

what you say is so familiar. It will get better and you will feel so much better. Keep strong x

BuckarooBanzai · 08/08/2022 20:59

I did the recovery tool kit course with women's aid.

BuckarooBanzai · 08/08/2022 20:59

That really helped!

LucyLatimer · 08/08/2022 21:03

in that case you have taken the first step. Like you, I was called the bully and kind of wondered if he was right. Watch dr ramani on YouTube, some really good insight into the sort of personalities who behave this way. You have done the right thing for you and your kids.

PrettyPollysParrot · 08/08/2022 21:27

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

Cloverforever · 08/08/2022 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request

But when you were in a good phase, a bad phase was just around the corner (ie the cycle of abuse). It's hard now but it will get better, Sooo much better. I promise you.

fortheloveofcheesecake · 08/08/2022 22:04

You've had a name change fail OP x

NotReallySure · 08/08/2022 22:27

Hi, I'm probably a year behind you, told him I'm leaving but still living together, he's been very emotionally abusive and controlling, and is totally blaming me, twisting the truth and irrational. We have 2 young children. Following with interest! I think you've done and amazing, but utterly terrifying thing, be gentle with yourself, you need to adjust, and find time for yourself. Find ways to fill your time without the kids with something just for you? Do you have a good support network of friends? Things will be good again, I'm sure xx

been and done it. · 08/08/2022 23:06

OktoberFest · 08/08/2022 20:41

I’m getting divorced after I realised my husband has been emotionally abusive for a while.

I’ve had support from Women’s Aid, counselling, doing lots of self-care, but I still feel awful despite it being nearly a year. I miss my kids when they’re with their dad, I doubt my decision, I feel like I should have tried harder. He completely blames me (has said I’m a bully/abuser…) and sometimes I wonder if he’s right.

Has anyone out there been through anything like this and got through it? Is there light at the end of the tunnel? I’m desperate to know one day I might be happy again.

Well done for having the guts to end your misery..it's hard now for sure but you've done the right thing for you and your DCs. I'm a hundred year's older than you, well it feels like that, I left one bad marriage but didn't have the courage to do it twice and have been stuck in misery for years..believe me you did the right thing.

Ohtoberoavingagain · 09/08/2022 00:18

BuckarooBanzai · 08/08/2022 20:59

I did the recovery tool kit course with women's aid.

Wish that’d been around when I got out of a toxic marriage. It might help you @OktoberFest
And abusers are always going to turn it around—- claim it’s never them, they were always sweetness and light. I’ve yet to hear of one who held their hands up and said I abused my partner.

it will get better.

CheekyHobson · 09/08/2022 02:51

He completely blames me (has said I’m a bully/abuser…) and sometimes I wonder if he’s right.

If you’re confused and doubting yourself, the only thing you can do is decide to do whatever it takes to clear your head. If that means seeking counseling or doing intensive personal work/journaling and self-reflection to understand your own behaviours and whether or not they were abusive, then sign yourself up.

Surely it’s better to confront yourself and commit to change in the event that you realise you’ve behaved poorly than spend a lifetime wondering/in denial and just repeating the same mistakes?

This can be a challenging decision to make, but you must. I was once in the same situation as you and decided to be brave. For me, the process provided the clarity that in fact it was NOT me being abusive and taught me how to understand my ex’s manipulations, but also brought me insights into ways I had not behaved healthily or not understood well previously so I could take responsibility for those failings and make different choices in the future.

Original poster

OktoberFest · 09/08/2022 08:39

CheekyHobson · 09/08/2022 02:51

He completely blames me (has said I’m a bully/abuser…) and sometimes I wonder if he’s right.

If you’re confused and doubting yourself, the only thing you can do is decide to do whatever it takes to clear your head. If that means seeking counseling or doing intensive personal work/journaling and self-reflection to understand your own behaviours and whether or not they were abusive, then sign yourself up.

Surely it’s better to confront yourself and commit to change in the event that you realise you’ve behaved poorly than spend a lifetime wondering/in denial and just repeating the same mistakes?

This can be a challenging decision to make, but you must. I was once in the same situation as you and decided to be brave. For me, the process provided the clarity that in fact it was NOT me being abusive and taught me how to understand my ex’s manipulations, but also brought me insights into ways I had not behaved healthily or not understood well previously so I could take responsibility for those failings and make different choices in the future.

Thank you. I’m having counselling and my counsellor thinks he has been abusive, not me. Same with Women’s Aid. I just worry they’ve only heard my point of view.

I’m looking at my own behaviour and thinking a lot about my role in the dynamic. I struggle with the balance though - taking responsibility for my behaviour but not feeling to blame for everything. It’s hard not to spiral when I think about what I could have done better.

I guess it’s just going to be a long road…

OP posts:

offtherecord · 19/02/2023 21:17

if you are questioning yourself then the chances are that you are not the abuser in any of it, when have you ever heard someone whom does abuse admit it . NEVER HAPPENS in fact they accuse you of it that is soley because its the easiest thing to do to make them not accountable as they are never accountable for anything ever.
manipulative people manipulate every situation to fit their notion on it. they are sick individuals, if a person questions themselves on whether they are in fact the abuser its because you have been conditioned to feel that way, its what they do.
i too am going through this now and yes it is difficult but i know for sure it was not me, i may of reacted in an unhealthy way at times but even that is because they provoke a reaction they love a reaction you see, then they blame said reaction on you when they wanted it anyway. it cause a kind of dissonance in you i think it can be refered to as baiting then blaming.