Long post sorry! Gist is - finally accepted exDH was abusive, I need support and want recommendations in North London or Hertfordshire please!
The long version:
2 years after separating I am finally able to admit exDH was abusive.
We split in August 2020 and he immediately moved back to his parents in Germany.
Since splitting he has finally sought help for his mental health, and his therapist in Germany has diagnosed him with Immature Personality Disorder (look it up, it's a riot!). Reading through the list of symptoms made me laugh/cry - it was basically written for him!
Anyway, my 16 year old and I have been talking about him recently (he is coming over next week to spend 2 weeks with the kids) and we both really opened up.
It really hit me when she said "it is not your fault". She is currently on medication and seeing a therapist following several years of depression, anxiety and, at the end of last year, being diagnosed autistic.
ExDH really struggled to deal with this, and mostly stuck his head in the sand. He has not worked for 4 years - he gave up a job he hated in 2018 with my support (obviously not expecting him to then sit on his arse for 4 years!) and has had poor mental health himself. I tried everything I could think of to support him but in the end he was not willing to help himself.
For years I have defended him (I still do!) but the conversation today has made me realise how many things were wrong in our relationship that he did - and it took my daughter saying them for me to realise. Constant criticism, ridiculing, silent treatment/sulking, "jokes" that are not jokes, condescending, controlling, guilt tripping, minimising... and more. I began distancing myself from him emotionally many years ago, but it was when I saw the effect he was having on the kids that I had had enough.
We are all doing sooo much better now but it is still hard to admit out loud that he was abusive.
Does anyone know of support available in North London, I think I need to try and see a therapist or someone. Thank you!