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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I unreasonable?

3 replies

Paralleluniverse1 · 08/08/2022 17:15

I have been married for 10 years. Kids are 11 and 9. Been together 16years. The first 3 were long distance until I decided to move abroad with him when he had a job offer in England. He is from Scotland, I’m from Sweden. He always made it clear that Sweden is not an option for him. He does not like the country, the people and does not speak the language. At the time I assumed I would be ok with this as my desire to be with him was very strong, although I knew it would be hard to live away from family. The first pregnancy was not planned, but once it happened it was clear that staying and giving it my all is the only option. We got married and although I always struggled with the kids not being near my family we muddled through. When the oldest was about 7 or 8, I told him that it was my biggest wish to go back to Sweden. I knew he didn’t want to as he made that very clear but I was unhappy and wanted to try before the start of secondary school. His response was that he’d rather have a divorce that move there. And with that he topic was closed. I since don’t feel the same towards him. I had made the sacrifice of moving to England in order to be together and he would not even talk it through when I raised it was no longer working for me to be there. To me it feels like his love is conditional and I am important to him but not important enough. He has apologised since and is trying hard (there were other issues like a lack of support with the kids and a lot of time spent online gaming rather than be with his family). He now helps out more and tries to be more present but somehow it feels like it is too late. I find it very hard to show affection towards him due to a lack of connection and he in turn feels hurt by that. In his opinion I should be able to forgive and move on. That makes sense to me on a logical level but emotionally it keeps going back to feeling not important enough for him to consider Sweden and that I am not a priority. Again on a logical level I agree that I should do what is best for all the family but I can’t help feeling resentful for being trapped here in England. I knew what I had signed up for when I came here and he never made false promises but I still feel that his refusal to even discuss options very hurtful. Am I unreasonable? How can I move past this for all of our sake?

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 08/08/2022 18:14

He always made it clear that Sweden is not an option for him

Why do you think he should change?

I still feel that his refusal to even discuss options very hurtful

But he told you that moving to Sweden wasn't an option. What other options have you tried to discuss with him?

Rowen32 · 08/08/2022 18:21

I don't think he's in the wrong here in the sense he told you it was a no go from the beginning.
I have family abroad and I know they would love to move home but significant other cannot - they had to make their peace with it, visit as often as they can, we go to visit them.
Unfortunately, I think it's one of those sacrifices that have to be made sometimes if you want to be with the person xx

Rowen32 · 08/08/2022 18:29

I don't think it's a sign he doesn't love you, doesn't think you're a priority or doesn't care, more that he doesn't want to move to Sweden..
Some things are just deal breakers for people..
I can see how he'd be hurt as he made it clear from the start and unfortunately things have changed for you but I don't know what you want him to do really as he still doesn't want to move.
Could you consider moving over every summer for the holidays? Every second Christmas? Have your family come to stay for a few weeks at a time?
Consider spending more time there when the kids are more grown?

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