Why is my mum so difficult?

[Anon193383]

For a long time I've been trying to understand why my mum is the way she is. I would welcome wise MN-ers thoughts. She always seems miserable and low. I love her of course and she can be caring, and kind and very thoughtful, when the below don't intrude. But at the same time, she is very hard to be around, and I have grown up with some issues because of the stress. I wish I could help her. I have a sister but she has dealt with it by moving to another country and sort of just avoids the subject if I talk to her about it.

• Very childlike in terms of emotions and the way she handles relationships. She is very fragile and prone to crying. Like she hasn't grown up and has teenage ways of looking at things almost? Will shout, cry, scream.
• Cannot ever say what she really wants, you have to guess.
• If things don't go the way she wants because she hasn't said (see above), she will cry or sulk or be in a huff.
• Passive about everything . Wants everyone else to decide or arrange things. People to come to her house etc etc
• Seems to have fixed/quite set expectations about the way things should go and cannot 'go with the flow'.
• Cannot ever discuss anything with anyone or cope with any conflict. Tries to shut down any serious conversation. Doesn't understand 'friendly debate'.
• Takes every slight thing as a criticism of her, even when it's nothing to do with her - you have to walk on eggshells and be careful what you say. I'm always nervous she will react badly to something she has misunderstood.
• Because of above seems to think everyone is against her
• If people are ignoring the sulk or whatever, will do things to attract attention, eg clean very obviously in people's way or be loud etc.
• When drunk all of the above is much, much worse. Also becomes verbally abusive. Next day will pretend it never happened and acts surprised if people are off because of it.

Thanks in advance if anyone recognises this stuff and can suggest how I can help her and cope with it also myself! I am 33, single atm x

Read the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. I found it extremely helpful.

I recognise some of those traits in my mum but she is 82 and unlikely to change now. She probably has mild depression and anxiety relating to how she was brought up herself. You can't really do very much other than suggest seeing a GP about it, things that she might enjoy doing, activities you might do together. You can lead a horse to water though...etc.

What you can do is change how you react to it and how it affects you.

My mum is the same in many ways and is either getting worse as she gets older, or I am just noticing it more now. I do get sad that she doesn’t appear to be getting “wiser” in her old age, just worse - to top it off she is also now pro-trump vibes so that’s making it even more difficult as previously we were at least aligned politically.

I found the book suggested by PP helpful too. You aren’t alone.

I wish I could help her

Does she want your help? If not, why do you wish you could help?

Sounds like she has EUPD

She in all likelihood does not think she needs help of any kind. And you as her daughter are absolutely not the person to provide it, she does not want your help and or support. Do not further try and analyse her; that is a rabbit hole you do not want to go down. You cannot change her but you can and should change how you react to her.

You do not mention your dad at all here; I ask about him only as he is not mentioned.

Do read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward and the Out of the FOG websites.

Its not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way either. Your sister moved countries to get away from mother (and for good reason too given her behaviours above). Its also hard being one of the few, if any, people who now bother with someone actually this disordered of thinking.

You will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had with your mother rather than the one you actually got.

Your mother sounds mentally unwell. She can only help herself if she wants to. You are not responsible for your mother’s or anyone else’s feelings, emotions, mental health.
Maybe see a counsellor for yourself to unpick being brought up by her.

Sounds very familiar! No advice as just beginning to recognize these traits in my own mother but just so you know you aren't alone!

Narcissistic personality disorder. My mother is the same. It is soul destroying sometimes.

Her childhood?

Thank you for everyone thats replied. I'm at work and cant really be on phone for long atm but am reading and really appreciate you taking time. To those who have similar mums - hugs.
She talks a lot to me about things and that is why I'm saying I wish I could help.
My dad is out of the picture, has been for years. She has got worse as she got older and more low.
I will look up those conditions thank you x

I second the recommendation of the Out of the FOG website. There's a forum there, plus loads of info about personality disorders and also loads of tips on how to handle such people.

Sounds very similar to my mum. My therapist recommended me one of the books mentioned above and suggested she may have a personality disorder. Genuinely hadn't occurred to me before but I think she's right.

I must admit like your sister I moved countries to escape a mother very similar to yours.

Very immature in her emotional responses, reacting to any attempt to make my own decisions with rage, verbal abuse or hysterical crying fits. She never lifted a finger to prevent my father from being physically and verbally abusive towards me either (instead use her usual hysterics to divert the attention to herself and make me feel guilty...). Used lies/manipulation to control.

I never saw her make a single friend, work or display any interests beyond shopping, watching TV and gardening . Pretty miserable and depressed all her life and always reluctant to have anyone in the house. Looking back now I also think she also regularly made things up/stories about the neighbours and loved to criticise everyone including her own sisters.

I was really embarrassed to go out anywhere with her as a child/teenager because of the things she did and said which were just, well, odd.

It is likely that there were some mental health issues or a personality disorder but she never showed any self-awareness or made any attempt to address her behaviour, and a she was living with an equally emotionally disturbed man so there was no hope that he would do anything either, it just was not a healthy environment. Various GPs kept pointing out to her that she had mental health issues/depression and should be taking medication or seeking counselling but she never followed through.

It was really exhausting as well because she was never happy in herself but expected everyone else to make her happy and fill whatever hole she had inside.

As people have suggested it is not your job to diagnose or fix your mother. All you can do is learn to minimise the effect she has on you and your life.

I just could not have her in my life and I only saw her sporadically once I became an adult and cut all contacts a few years ago. That might be an extreme choice but I had no real affection for her and I had to protect my mental and physical health at that stage.

Sounds very like my mother apart from the drinking and instead of emotional outbursts would manipulate through triangulation. My therapist suspects a personality disorder like 'quiet' borderline.

She has been like it her whole life, never changed, never sought help and made my childhood a misery by projecting all her issues onto me as her scapegoat, hence the therapy.

My experience of this is it never gets better. They are what they are and they try to drag you into their misery. Whatever you do won't make a difference. Me and my siblings are now NC with her and each other. She destroyed our family.

Your sister was very wise to get away. Perhaps some therapy for you to clarify the situation. You may not be aware how enmeshed you are with her.