Feel like he's not over his ex

[MindYaBusinessDon]

Met a wonderful man just over a year ago. He has 2 ex-wives and has a child with each. He co-parents effectively with both of them and everyone gets on well.
I saw this as a green flag and was relieved that everyone seemed mature and sensible.
He did say at the start of our relationship that he is still besties with ex-wife 2. We'll call her Joss. This didn't bother me in the least at first, but as time has gone on, I get the distinct impression that he's actually still in love with Joss.
She's moved on and due a baby with her new partner, but DP and Joss message constantly throughout day about everything that seems to float across their brain.
Had I known just how chummy they were I probably would have given the relationship a swerve to be honest. It's not that I'm normally a jealous type but something about him and Joss is getting under my skin.
Everything else in the relationship is absolutely great so I'm reluctant to leave, but I hate feeling so agitated everytime his phones pings.

Do I leave? Find a way to grow up and ignore it? I've no idea. Ive talked about it with my Therapist and she doesn't seem to know of a solution either so I'm hoping Mumsnetters will be able to help me get some clarity.

If your therapist can't help, the only thing to do is leave him.

What are your other options re dating? How old are you? Do you feel you might be "settling"? Do you want a family? I wouldn't touch anyone with that amount of baggage with a bargepole.

Have you asked him about his feelings for her, and told him this is bothering you? If not, you have bigger problems than Joss.

your inner self is telling you that this is not a comfortable place for you

it’s your instinct and there to protect you

dont lower your boundaries for any man because as you are finding out it results in unhappiness

of course you could mention to him you would like this closeness to stop before you walk away? I guess her partner can’t be pleased about it?

or if you think he will not stop I would walk away

I did tell him I was a uncomfortable with it, especially him sharing details of our day with her. Insignificant details really, pictures of what we are having for lunch, (no dcs with us that day) what film we are watching on netflix etc. Feel like it's an invasion of my privacy.
He seemed genuinely suprised that it was bothering me and swears he really is just friends with Joss.
He now makes an effort to keep his chats to a minimum when I'm in the room, but is more secretive around his phone.
I have no idea how Joss's partner feels about it.

We have no plans to marry or have any more DCs. We are both in our late 40s.

If you have asked him to be more considerate and he is being sneaky then I think you deserve better

theres no need to send pictures of your food? I mean me and my DP do that but what they are doing is crossing a boundary

why did they break up??

Im not too sure why they split up actually. I asked him when we first started dating and he just said 'the relationship broke down and I was absolutely gutted' and looked very tearful, so I decided not to probe further and he's never elaborated.

I thought the whole food sharing thing was odd, but I really don't use my phone that much so thought perhaps it was just me being 'old'. Joss is never off her phone anyway and talks incessantly about anything to anyone. I'm much quieter and more reserved.

Gosh that’s not very reassuring!

don’t be second best, it will destroy your self esteem

Sounds like she was the driving force behind the break up and he's still not over it. Although he agreed to divorce so 🤷‍♀️

Don't be second best. Your instinct says it doesn't feel right. And it doesn't really matter what other people would think was acceptable, it's not comfortable for you.

Maybe have another convo about the breakup (ignore the welling up, he's not 5) and be really honest that you feel he is over sharing and making you feel that the relationship isn't tenable.

Thank you. I am normally intuitive and have been feeling like I'm gaslighting myself by thinking perhaps it's me being too immature or insecure etc.

I've always suspected she did initiate the breakup.
I get the impression she's a bit of a cow actually. She got pregnant 'accidentally' within a month of meeting him, got a lavish wedding within 2 years and they split 2 years after that and her new partner is substantially better off financially than DP. But this is just speculation. DPs family love her still.

I quite enjoy being on my own and perhaps some space will give me some perspective.

have been feeling like I'm gaslighting myself

Avoid anybody who makes you feel like this. Don't worry about why/how/when/if, etc. Just get away. Really unhealthy dynamic.

I have been reading a few threads about exes. I am currently with a man who was ceremoniously dumped from a great height, blindsided etc, and I too feel like he is still holding a torch, though there's absolutely no communication between them.

I couldn't possibly cope In your situation OP, it would completely destroy me. I feel he has no respect for you, and neither has she. This is insensitive at the very least.

Your 'd' P is enjoying having his ego massaged!

I wouldn’t be okay with that. Anyone who’s that “in each others pockets” with their exes aren’t over them, IMO.

Contact should be about the children, and that’s all. Not sharing details of the latest relationship.

It’s as if he’s trying to make her jealous, or see if she is.

Do you know what, I never even considered he was trying to make her jealous, but thst makes a lot of sense now.
Well they can both get lost! I'm not playing role in this shit show.
Seriously don't get why she's messaging every hour of the day when she's apparently moved on.
He's always looking after Joss's bloody dog too while Joss and her new fella go away for the weekend. I asked if Joss had no friends of her own and he bleated something about it being Dds pet dog. She's 6.
Sod this for a game of soldiers. They can all be weird together without me!
Think my therapist can do one too tbh. She's been making me think it's my rejection sensitivity / narcissistic mother to blame, but it never felt like it quite sat right.

Well done.

their lives are still intertwined and you are being made a fool of

what they are doing is unacceptable, unnecessary and down right disrespectful to you

and stuff the darn dog!!! Unbelievable but not really given everything you have told us

i mean what’s the point of him having a relationship with you when he is still having one with her?! Minus the sex

You're in a love triangle. Fuck that. I could not be bothered with all that nonsense. Bin him off.