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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner of a year doesn't contribute...

67 replies

boyff · 08/08/2022 09:36

Been together over a year.
He spends every night at mine.
Last month he was "skint" so I got food etc
Obviously I pay all gas /electric
So this month has left me short and 2 weeks till pay day.
He said last week on his pay day he would "give me some money "
We have decided to go away for a weekend in September £100 each
Today is his pay day and he transferred the £100 hotel but nothing for me.
I was relying on something and he knows that...

OP posts:
Ragwort · 08/08/2022 10:47

Sorry to be harsh but you are enabling this, what's stopping you from saying 'this clearly isn't working out, please leave and go back to your own home'. If he hasn't got his own home to go to - tough, that's not your problem

Were you so desperate for a 'partner' Hmm that you just drifted into living together?

You can't have been on Mumsnet long ...there are countless threads about these sort of men.

Get rid.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 08/08/2022 10:50

Why are you tolerating this? Do something about it.

IncompleteSenten · 08/08/2022 10:51

He's sponging off you.
He will continue until you stop letting him.

WaveyHair · 08/08/2022 11:05

He is sponging off you so he can spend his money on his own things.

He paid the hotel as it was a visible cost - you need to do the same for everything else.

His response will tell you everything you need to know about him as a partner. Be prepared to walk away from the relationship if he is not willing to do this.

Triffid1 · 08/08/2022 11:09

Agree with every other poster - he's a cocklodger. Where was he living before? I'd put money on with his parents or couch surfing. He's not "staying with you" he's living with you. Which means he should be paying half of all the costs. I bet he's not doing his share of the cooking/cleaning/shopping/maintenance either?

At best, have a conversation and hope he realises. But more likely, kick him to the curb. It's so disgusting and unattractive.

[To give an example, when DH and were getting serious but still not living together, I earnt a lot more than him and lived alone. He was in a houseshare. He spent 4-5 nights a week at mine. He offered to pay for food etc, but I didn't mind as it was easily affordable. But he did regularly buy top up items like bread and milk etc. He also did lots of chores - bins, vacuuming, tidying up after dinner etc etc. And he'd buy me little gifts that he knew would be helpful or I'd like. That's what a normal, nice, non-cock-lodger man does].

jammiewhammie65 · 08/08/2022 11:11

So what are you going to do about it because if you allow yourself to be taken for a mug you will be treated like one !

Meltingsocks · 08/08/2022 11:45

Delete and block

k1233 · 08/08/2022 11:46

If he won't pay half costs, he doesn't live with you. I made the same mistake. Don't be me. He sponged off me for 4years. I was an idiot.

rookiemere · 08/08/2022 11:56

When you say he spends every night at yours, does he actually have his own place?

AgentJohnson · 08/08/2022 11:59

Keep the £100 and dump. He wasn’t a partner, he was a freeloading cf who you should of called out sooner.

Quitelikeit · 08/08/2022 12:02

Well he seen you coming!!!

I can’t stand greed. No way would I entertain this man. Not for a minute

Bananalanacake · 08/08/2022 12:03

What would happen if you put your foot down and told him he can stay over once a week, rest of the time he stays at his. You can have a relationship without living together you know.

newtb · 08/08/2022 12:11

I'd also say he's not a partner.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 08/08/2022 12:20

He is a cocklodging tosser - get rid.

bucketsoflove · 08/08/2022 12:34

Keep the £100, cancel the weekend away and tell him to get lost. You deserve to be treated much better than this, so you need to reinforce those boundaries and take care of yourself.

scoobydoo1971 · 08/08/2022 12:51

Sponger who will bleed you dry of every penny for the rest of your life...dump him.

CantGetDecentNickname · 08/08/2022 13:00

Agree with PP. Keep the £100 and cancel the hotel. If he mentions it you can send him a breakdown of half of all your bills and food costs which he has accrued during the time he has been living with you and ask him to pay that before he spends another night in yours. I bet it adds up to quite an amount and it is worth your while seeing how much you have already been taken for so recommend working it out. You won't need to dump him then as he will already be gone...

Sounds like he is living with you rent free with no bills or food costs - he is a real user. It would be cheaper to get some bin bags, bag his stuff up, put it outside and change the locks. A decent person always offers to go 50/50, or buy their round etc. You shouldn't have to ask for money, especially to get your own back from someone.

StClare101 · 08/08/2022 13:23

For god’s sake!!!!! Get rid of him. Raise your standards.

liveforsummer · 08/08/2022 13:27

rookiemere · 08/08/2022 11:56

When you say he spends every night at yours, does he actually have his own place?

I asked this as it's relevant. Obviously paying half of everything is harder if he's also paying the whole of it for his own home, and going back there in the day etc. if he's staying rent free with parents (more likely) it's far far worse

hotfroth · 08/08/2022 13:56

What a sponger. You need to get tough, and don't stand any nonsense of the "Oh, but you would be paying for water/rates/electric anyway" nonsense from him. Either he starts paying a sensible contribution or he is out.

Triffid1 · 08/08/2022 15:36

hotfroth · 08/08/2022 13:56

What a sponger. You need to get tough, and don't stand any nonsense of the "Oh, but you would be paying for water/rates/electric anyway" nonsense from him. Either he starts paying a sensible contribution or he is out.

Yes. I see this a lot IRL and on here. The correct answer is that if YOU are saving by you spending time at MY house, then I should ALSO be saving by you spending time here. The benefits should be split. And no, having a cock in the house is NOT the main benefit for me.

BMW6 · 08/08/2022 17:37

Not another one!

Come on OP, you KNOW what he's doing and you're just taking it!

I don't care if he has a solid gold cock, looks the spit of Brad Pitt and is kind to puppies kittens and children. HE'S USING YOU. YOU ARE HIS ATM.

FFS. How many more.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 08/08/2022 17:55

Don't cancel the mini break, go on your own and cancel him.

wellhelloitsme · 08/08/2022 18:08

He's not a partner, he's a shit boyfriend.

wellhelloitsme · 08/08/2022 18:09

Oh and if he's with you every night then technically you shouldn't be claiming single persons council tax I don't think?