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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband ended our marriage

15 replies

Upsidedown1 · 08/08/2022 08:57

My husband and I have been together for 20yrs married 10 with 2 children. Just at end of june he ended our relationship as we had been bickering and arguing for about 6/7 wks prior to that .. every argument came down to him drinking n going out and not coming home at a decent time .. there for no time was spent as a couple or family as he was always to tired to do anything with us the next day .. we have been separated for about 8 wks and tried to make it work a few times in between that last time only 3/4wks ago each time i haven't managed to even make it home as he always texted to say he cant do it, he doesnt think it will work, think it will go back to how they use to be us arguing … i believe he just doesnt want to change his ways for his drinking .. i think he might be depressed as he lost his mum a few yrs ago and never got over it .. yday he told me he was out and kissed someone else … again i know we are separated but i’m still devastated … please please tell me it gets better .. i feel like i’m never going to get over him

OP posts:
pointythings · 08/08/2022 09:04

Right now your husband prioritises alcohol over his relationship with you and his DC. That's no environment for children - he's doing you a favour by walking away, however much it hurts. Please contact Al-Anon or a similar organisation to get support for yourself; you will feel so much less alone when you talk to people who have been where you are now. Let your husband go, make sure you get a fair settlement and live your best life - one without an addict in it.

girlmom21 · 08/08/2022 09:06

You need to stop trying to fix him and work on looking after yourself and your children. You need to be your priority.

When you're standing on your own two feet and your children are thriving you'll realise you don't need him to drag you down. That's when it starts getting better.

SummerWhisper · 08/08/2022 09:06

I'm so sorry you are going through this because of his choices. I hate to say this but I think telling you about the kiss was to test your reaction to a full-blown affair that he isn't fessing up to until he has to. Stay strong 💐

Rapidtango · 08/08/2022 09:07

There'll be more than kissing. Just let him go, focus on you and your children (and a divorce). He doesn't want to make the changes necessary for your marriage to survive, so obviously doesn't see it as important.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/08/2022 09:13

You cannot fix him nor his drinking problem. Attempting to further do either will destroy you from the inside out.

Put you and your children front and centre in your lives now. Not him. His primary relationship is with drink and his thoughts centre on where the next drink is going to come from.

Janesdufflecoat · 08/08/2022 10:56

When you say

'we have been separated for about 8 wks and tried to make it work a few times in between that last time only 3/4wks ago each time i haven't managed to even make it home as he always texted to say he cant do it'

Have you moved out of the family home?

Original poster
Upsidedown1 · 08/08/2022 14:50

Yeah i moved with my youngest to a family members home my oldest floats between me and her dad as the room at the familys home is tight

OP posts:
mummymeister · 08/08/2022 15:02

Honestly, for the sake of your own health, you need to cut all contact with him now that isnt in respect of either the children or finances. He is trying to be hurtful, thats why he told you about kissing someone. Message him asap and tell him this. you dont want to know what he is doing or who he is doing it with.

Tracy834 · 09/08/2022 09:21

Why did you move out why not him

Original poster
Upsidedown1 · 09/08/2022 09:48

I cant afford the house, but was just so upset at the time i left

OP posts:
Cyberworrier · 09/08/2022 09:51

Hi OP,

I'm sorry to hear you're in this situation. Your husband is treating you very badly and you need to prioritise yourself and your children. I know it's hard when you're used to life with an alcoholic/someone who is drinking heavily, but honestly life is so much calmer and more pleasant away from the chaos, mess and stress of being with the alcoholic.

There's a thread for people who are affected by a loved ones drinking, please come and join us there.

Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking www.mumsnet.com/Talk/alcohol_support/4581221-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking

I have recently split from my husband because of his drinking and difficult behaviour. I have since found out that he was cheating on me. I suppose I'm saying this because of what you say about your husband staying out late etc and now saying he's kissed someone. It sounds very suspect and it's an atrocious way for him to treat you. Maintain your self respect and distance yourself from this awful man. He may have been different once, but don't stay with him for the man he was twenty years ago, be honest about who he is now. And think of the impact you putting up with his shit will have on your children, as well as your well being.

Dery · 09/08/2022 09:56

Can you move back into the family home and have him move out? It sounds like that’s how it should be?

LittleOwl153 · 09/08/2022 10:37

You need to move back in. Don't let him treat you like shit. Assuming you jointly own the house why the he'll should you and your kids suffer for his pathetic tantrums. If you can't afford it then that comes as part of the divorce, but don't let him sit pretty playing Disney dad to the eldest and making them unsettled. Kids (however old) need a secure home. Do t leave your eldest to deal with his drinking.

Text him today and say you are moving back to ight. If he doesn't want to be there then he can move out but the kids need a safe and secure home.

And then get yourself a good divorce lawyer. You are worth so much more!!

Itwillworkifyoutryit2222 · 09/08/2022 10:51

@Upsidedown1 it will get better, it will get easier, and from what you’ve described- it’s going to get better than it’s ever been before. Eventually, you will be glad he’s made this decision for you (for some reason this tends to be around about the time they decide they’ve made a mistake.

One thing I think you need to ready yourself for is another woman, it’s rare in my experience that a man leaves a relationship without having another to go to. Just try and get yourself used to that idea now, it’s more likely than not. I promise you that you will feel much, much better eventually and sooner than you think. Dealing with someone who drinks too much and goes out on the town like a teenager when there’s a family at home is not something you should have to put up with.
Definitely move back into the house, and make it clear that if he is seeing other people that’s not to happen around the children for now.
Be strong
💐

Dullardmullard · 09/08/2022 11:03

Once you’ve got over the devastation find your anger. Do not try and fix him he needs to do that himself. You can only change you. He’s already checked out as he’s told you of the kiss. No man does that if trying to sort a marriage out.

move back in to the home, he can’t tell you, you can’t. Find a SHL and take it from there.

good luck

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