Dh always argues back.

[Whoops1]

I’ll ask him to put cardboard wrapping from Amazon in recycling and not left on hall table for months. He immediately accuses me of leaving x and y and never doing z. And still the wrapping doesn’t get picked up.
im sure if a mate asked him to do this he would? If he asked me I’d be a bit miffed because Id feel like a naughty child, but I’d stick it in the recycling.
maybe it’s how I’m asking? I thought I was doing a friendly,’would you mind’ but however and whatever I ask he’ll accuse me of worse. And lo! I’ve only recently got strong enough to ask and ignore the ensuing attack. Obviously if it’s a good point I’ll take it on board but it all seems tedious. Don’t want a row, just want to be able to have a tidy home.
Any suggestions ?

It's defensiveness- defend, attack, reverse victim/offender. Usually because of his ego but I imagine he reacts ok to his boss giving him an instruction.

How long have you been together?

Who's wrapping is it?

Your penultimate line is good: Don't want a row, just want to be able to have a tidy home then walk away and ignore his pathetic playground tactic.

If he continues, just say "I already sorted x and y and I have done z so let's be a team with you doing a, b and c'.

How long had it been left?

Don’t want a row, just want to be able to have a tidy home. Any suggestions?

Put it in the recycling yourself?

Thanks all! Good suggestions!
Was just being a bit overwhelmed with cleaning. soooo fed up with it. It’s his wrapping, and he’ll leave it forever. It had been there a week or so. Grumble! Will use the tips you’ve mentioned thankyou all.

Takes me back to when I lived with my ex.

'Can you wash your cup up before you go to work' - 'well you didn't do the hoovering' always attack and tell me what I had, or hadn't done. Instead of thinking 'oh ok, a bit petty but it takes 30 seconds - 'yes no problem dear'

My standard response became 'I'm sure you're right, but can you put the wrapping paper away please'

Thanks toohottotango sorry you had to divorce. I’ve frequently wondered whether I should leave him, or if I’ve just got a fantasy in my head of dream chap. Now I’ve realised I’m crap too. I swept upstairs and forgot to sweep up the sweepings. It takes two I guess.

My friend’s Dh does this and it’s got ridiculous. She doesn’t dare ask him to do anything now as his defensiveness is getting nasty.

Put it in his side of the bed?

We got back from a recent break and I had five poeple's suitcases and washing to sort out. I work part time, DH full time so I'm fine with that.
I cleared mine and the kids cases away and with DHs there were lots of clothes in there that I wasn't even sure he had worn and I'm not wasting time and money washing clean clothes.
"Please can you go through that case DH and put away when you didn't wear so I can wash the rest and put the case away".
He Ignored once, then the next time I asked then again. It's been over a week of stepping over this case on the kitchen floor! I left it there on purpose hoping he would just do it.
He stubs his toe on it yesterday so I said "Will you just do into it now and take out the clothes you didn't wear then we can put it away!!"
He had to laugh and finally did it but in a voice dripping with sarcasm he said "There. See, not that hard is it?"

I said "Ah good, glad it's not that hard as you'll be doing the whole case next time."

I swept upstairs and forgot to sweep up the sweepings. It takes two I guess

The difference is you remembered, went back and swept up. Even if you hadn't remembered, and your dh noticed and said 'have you forgotten, or could you sweep it up' I doubt very much you'd accuse him of not putting his wrapping paper away, then leave the bits for him to sweep up. So no, I don't think it does take two, in this instance

The male sex just don't notice mess in the house. Now if I was to muck about leaving mess in the garage workshop that's a major crime 🤣🤣

Ooh missyb1 it sounds like you might gently suggest the mumsnet classic,‘why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft. ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
also look up dr ramani on you tube and woman’s aid. slurpsloo and zoflora that made me laugh!
no,mtoohot I wouldn’t though i did yesterday and I knew it wasn’t me, just resentment, I played his game back at him. He immediately got grumpy and sloped off to work!
justasking ha! I wish! Even out garage is a mess. I hung everything on screws in the wall…he took them all down.er, why?! Madness.
ah well. He is a total slob, but I guess it could be worse. Tho am fed up of being maid. If he works all the time and you don’t, does he clean his own loo? Bathroom? Like the tree falling in a forest thing!

My husband is like this. I used to engage with his response but that approach is pointless. Now I say something along the lines of “yes you’re probably right but that’s not what we’re talking about/I’m asking you, please do it”.

I also point out his first reaction is to defend himself and blame others. Ie he ate a box of chocolate in the cupboard that was a present, I was pissed off and told him that and he said it was my fault because I should have put it out the way. I think in the past I might have reacted differently but these days I’ve learned and feel confident to call it out. “So you’re saying it’s my fault you ate the chocolate, really?! Do you see the problem with that reaction?!” And I laugh but stay assertive. I used to be more conciliatory and afraid of his response, he verges on verbally abusive behaviour sometimes and I have had to learn to have strong boundaries, walk away if he’s being unpleasant “I am not speaking to you if you are shouting, I’ll speak later when you calm down”. It’s working because he realises it’s not on but I realise that wouldn’t work with all. I think getting older helps and I was promoted at work so feel more confident that I could manage quite well without him financially so that was a shift in thinking for me.

Overall don’t let him disrespect you. I found Lundy Bancroft book v useful and various others like Men who hate women. I know it shouldn’t be so hard but together we’ve learned to discuss and disagree in a more constructive way and part of that was me being more assertive that I’m not taking his shitty behaviour and calling out when he’s being toxic. He is like a different husband now he knows I won’t engage or put up with his crap.

Finally, I do also think you need to pick your battles, agree standards and house chores up front, so it doesn’t keep repeating. Good luck 🍀

"My husband is like this. I used to engage with his response but that approach is pointless. Now I say something along the lines of “yes you’re probably right but that’s not what we’re talking about/I’m asking you, please do it”. "

This is the tactic I use. I always say 'we're not talking about x. We're talking about this'
Or if I'm feeling particularly arsey 'stick to the subject. Why are you trying to to attack me by bringing up all this other stuff?'

Thanks all, great tips! I mentally practised and today said,’ well you can pass the buck to me if it makes you feel better, but maybe we could actually work together to sort this out’ ! Felt like a sniffy school teacher…but it worked! He actually said, ‘we can adapt if it’s not done. ‘ whaaaa! Previously would have had massive arguments
result! Thanks very much 👍

A surprising number of people are like this.

Whatever the underlying reason, it’s emotionally immature.

I have two family members like this. Their “defence” is to attack!

I keep my distance. One of them NC right now, maybe for good.

I’d could not imagine having a ‘chosen’ relationship with such a person. It would drive me mad with suppressed rage 😤.

ps OP he sounds like a total dick. I wouldn’t put up with it.

I have many many moments when I agree with you both. It used to completely throw me. Thanks dr ramani and Lundy Bancroft!