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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He checked up on me

51 replies

Rootbeam · 07/08/2022 23:01

I left my phone downstairs and had a
lie in the next morning. When I looked at my
phone usage, he’d been through a few apps to check my WhatsApp, messenger, notes and photos. I’m really upset, I hate the dishonesty and lack of trust. How would you move past this?

OP posts:
Cherchezlaspice · 08/08/2022 00:55

HeddaGarbled · 08/08/2022 00:35

It is wrong, we all know it’s wrong, but it is really tempting, like leaving your personal diary or your bank statement or your pay slip or a personal letter out. It’s not ‘checking up’, it’s being nosy. He shouldn’t have done it but he’s fallible, as most of us are.

I can honestly say I’ve never been tempted to look through my husband’s phone. Or anyone else’s. This isn’t a willpower thing, it just honestly wouldn’t even occur to me.

I also don’t want to see anyone else’s pay slip, dairy, bank statement or letters. Like, not at all.

I think nosy (to use your terminology) just assume everyone is nosy. It’s really not the case.

Shamoo · 08/08/2022 01:05

Odd thread with so many people saying it’s OK OP. My DP uses my phone all the time And knows my code, but certainly does not actively go through my private messages etc on there. I would consider it an invasion of my privacy if they did, even though I have absolutely nothing to hide. It isn’t acceptable OP. Have you said anything?

CookPassBabtridge · 08/08/2022 01:08

DarkDarkNight · 08/08/2022 00:40

How can you tell if someone has looked at your apps? Why were you even checking your phone usage?

It sounds like you were checking up on him too, like you left it there as a test then checked if he had looked. Don’t you have a passcode?

In my iphone I think it's in settings > screentime. It shows what apps have been accessed, how long for, what times of day you have been active etc.

ManAboutTown · 08/08/2022 01:12

Access to my phone is through biometrics or otherwise a password. Casual scrutiny would be almost impossible

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 08/08/2022 02:29

CookPassBabtridge · 08/08/2022 01:08

In my iphone I think it's in settings > screentime. It shows what apps have been accessed, how long for, what times of day you have been active etc.

Show quote history

Yes it is. The question though is why would OP wake up and immediately check to see the usage over night.

autienotnaughty · 08/08/2022 02:43

I sometimes have a read of dp messages as I'm nosy it doesn't bother him tho. It wouldn't bother me if he did it either. But if it bothers you you should talk to him and ask him, it's possible he's just nosy rather than distrustful. But if it's unacceptable you need to tell him.

needthezzzzz · 08/08/2022 03:20

I wouldn't be happy about this - although I'd have nothing to hide, it implies my partner doesn't trust me if they're looking through my messages and I would say something about it.

Coyoacan · 08/08/2022 03:54

@ManAboutTown Yes there are lots of stories on mumsnet like this and most of them get roundly condemned for doing so and told that if they don't trust their partner the relationship is dead in the water. Occasionally someone discovers that their partner is carrying on with someone, then yes, we do support the OP.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/08/2022 06:37

autienotnaughty · 08/08/2022 02:43

I sometimes have a read of dp messages as I'm nosy it doesn't bother him tho. It wouldn't bother me if he did it either. But if it bothers you you should talk to him and ask him, it's possible he's just nosy rather than distrustful. But if it's unacceptable you need to tell him.

I don't. Because not all secrets are my secrets. What if a friend has a miscarriage, is unhappy in her marriage, worried about her child's health? That's not DH's business. It's only mine because they choose it.

My friend who had repeated miscarriages made a choice not to tell anyone but me when pregnant again, because I was the support. DH certainly wasn't.

Also, I always wonder if a man is untrusting because he's untrustworthy.

girlmom21 · 08/08/2022 06:39

I'd be pissed off. You're entitled to privacy regardless of your relationship.

Shoxfordian · 08/08/2022 06:40

It would be a dealbreaker for me

gamerchick · 08/08/2022 06:57

I don't think it would bother me but I would be having a conversation about it and pointing out that it's immediately made me think he's cheating himself.

Tangelablue · 08/08/2022 07:09

My ex used to go through my phone alot. He was looking for something he could use against me. After a while it made me suspicious of what he was up to and I did go through his phone. Turned out he had been cheating. The relationship was toxic and abusive, he did not believe I had a right to any privacy and would spend hours going through old emails, facebook messengers and WhatsApp.
How long have you been together for and are there any other red flags?

MintJulia · 08/08/2022 07:19

He's completely out of order, that's like opening someone else's post, and is just plain rude.

It's also pretty controlling. I'd make it clear you don't expect him to be so ill mannered in future. If he can't respect your privacy, I'm not sure how you can stay with him.

toastedcat · 08/08/2022 07:31

fifteenohfour · 07/08/2022 23:44

@toastedcat very easily? Open your phone up swipe up and all your recent apps are still there in the background if you haven't closed them. Which he obviously didn't. Who cares why she did it first it's an extremely common thing to do on your phone?

That's actually not what she said, she said she checked app usage which apparently is some kind of detailed report of when apps were opened. Why would that even occur to you to do?

Also who closes apps every time they use them? I have about 100 apps open all the time

CrunchyCarrot · 08/08/2022 07:35

I wouldn't be happy with it and would confront him (not in an angry way but assertively) as to why he had done that.

BigFatLiar · 08/08/2022 07:41

Perhaps he thinks you're having an affair, it would be standard practice on MN.

Wouldn't bother me though we use each others phones if its more convenient, same with computers. We know each other passwords, don't care, if I'm sharing my life with him I'm not worried about my phone.

Elderflower14 · 08/08/2022 07:50

If you haven't got a password on your phone put one on now!!!!

Original poster
Rootbeam · 08/08/2022 08:10

Sorry, I was tired last night and just made a quick post - ‘he’ is my partner and father to our children. My phone battery has been running low lately and feels like I constantly have to charge it, I was looking through battery, phone usage etc and noticed screen time had peaks of usage when I was asleep.. checked what had been looked through and was embarrassed to see he had gone through a few things on my phone to check on me. I Have a passcode which he knows and don’t care if he’s on my phone, I’ve got nothing to hide, it’s the fact I know that he doesn’t trust me. It’s so hurtful.

OP posts:
dehloh · 08/08/2022 08:17

Also who closes apps every time they use them? I have about 100 apps open all the time

I close mine. Always.

Divebar2021 · 08/08/2022 08:23

Since when is “ he was just being nosy” make it ok?

gamerchick · 08/08/2022 08:25

Rootbeam · 08/08/2022 08:10

Sorry, I was tired last night and just made a quick post - ‘he’ is my partner and father to our children. My phone battery has been running low lately and feels like I constantly have to charge it, I was looking through battery, phone usage etc and noticed screen time had peaks of usage when I was asleep.. checked what had been looked through and was embarrassed to see he had gone through a few things on my phone to check on me. I Have a passcode which he knows and don’t care if he’s on my phone, I’ve got nothing to hide, it’s the fact I know that he doesn’t trust me. It’s so hurtful.

Name change fail?

You need to ask him why OP. It'll drive you batshit if you don't.

sammylady37 · 08/08/2022 08:25

This would be an unacceptable breach of trust and invasion of privacy for me

User354354 · 08/08/2022 09:09

I would hate this. Not because I have anything to hide, my DP and I often use each other's phones.

But if he read the messages on my girls chat I would be horrified 😂

ilyx · 08/08/2022 09:38

@HeddaGarbled

It is wrong, we all know it’s wrong, but it is really tempting, like leaving your personal diary or your bank statement or your pay slip or a personal letter out. It’s not ‘checking up’, it’s being nosy. He shouldn’t have done it but he’s fallible, as most of us are

Speak for yourself. My boyfriend left his phone out unlocked once and I immediately locked it as I wouldn’t ever invade his privacy.

Its absolutely disgusting and the fact you think it’s acceptable and “normal” to behave this way. It isn’t. People with morals don’t as they would feel guilt over going through someone’s PRIVATE messages.

I had a parent like this who’d go through my private diary and lacked boundaries in many ways and needless to say I am no contact her.