Parenthood ruining my relationship

[antlerlily]

In the weeds with DS (8 months) and feel like my relationship with DH has taken an absolute battering.

We have no time for each other, no time for date nights (no childcare even if we did) and honestly I don't think I'd have the will for a date if I had the chance. I think all we'd talk about is DS but I'd rather be on the couch relaxing at this point than make an effort which is starting to scare me.

I'm just so bloody exhausted. I know he is too. And I'm with DS basically all day so once he's in bed I often crave just two hours of alone time before going to bed myself. That means even at home together DH and I are pretty isolated.

I'm worried I'm starting to get a little resentful too. DH travels with work, and yes it is work, but it's also getting out of the house, not having to deal with weaning/mess, hotel rooms with uninterrupted sleep, nice dinners etc etc. when he's home he is very involved and present absolutely zero complaints there I'm just starting to wish I had more of a life outside of DS but crippled with guilt at the thought of pursuing a career.

I don't know what to do... I know it's a slippery slope/bad cycle to be in but it's like I'm too exhausted to care? Is it normal for the relationship priority to take a massive backseat for the time being until DS is a bit older?

Anyone go through anything similar?

It sounds quite normal to me. Sorry, that's probably not helpful but it does get easier.

So so normal. You always read advice saying prioritise each other, go on date nights, spend time together in the evenings but it’s not always that easy. My DH and I are 15 months in and I have just completely given up with myself and my appearance, I resent my DH at times (especially when he has a shave, shower, does his hair, and I haven’t washed my hair in a week!), I barely have 5 minutes for myself it seems because even when DH is with our baby I’m cleaning/laundry/tidying etc.
The exhausted thing definitely plays into it. Are you sleeping well at night or still up a fair bit? Do you and DH take it in turns to have a lie in at the weekend? We introduced this recently and it has helped even if I don’t sleep but just rest with tv on.
I would say first get some time for you, once baby is in bed- bath, book, skincare, work out, whatever you want to do. Or can you go out with a friend, even once a fortnight, nothing too late, just an hour somewhere local. Once you have a little bit of that established, then try and work on your relationship. You can’t give from an empty cup. Plan a date night at home, get a bottle of wine in and try and new recipe, go to bed early just so you can both lay there and chat before going to sleep.
Just small steps to begin with, they add up to bigger and better changes as time goes on.
But yes- totally normal, don’t feel pressure to have everything sunshine and roses, babies are life changing. We are battered too 🤣

If I felt like you I'd be looking for some part-time work. I've always worked though because I need time away from the little terrorists.

I think this is pretty normal. I've felt like this after both my dc. I know 8 months feels like a long time, but in the scheme of things it's not. You'll find yourself coming out 'the other side' in the not too distant future. Your lo will start to consistently sleep through, they'll become a bit more independent and you'll hopefully feel like you have more inclination and motivation to feel more like yourself and also with your relationship. Just make sure you keep communications open with your dh.

Normal- you have a Baby, a human being who is entirely dependent on you. Your relationship is still there, it’s just taking a back seat, as is time for yourself. The days are long but the years go quickly when you baby is young, try not to wish it away.

This is parenting. Its why couples go from the height of love to divorce by time the first DC is in high school.

Identities change, needs change - it all changes and I think the ones that stay together, change together.

I have no advice other than to get time alone (don't be a martyr to your DC) and talk about everything - including the difficult stuff.

Completely and utterly normal. The balance re-equilibrated when I went back to work at a year PP. I think you need to be asking yourself what thoughts you have (probably subconsciously) internalised to have such crippling guilt about wanting a career. It’s fine to be a SAHM if it’s what you want…but it doesn’t have to be a given.

Welcome to motherhood.
It can at times be relentless but it really does get better.
Don't wish it away too much because one day at times you will wish your child was a baby again.
Sleep as much as you can when you can (I stupidly used to do housework).

So normal, it's amazing how easy it is to resent them when they get to do things like shower and brush their teeth unattended. Luckily things go back to normal fairly quickly once you're on a more even keel if it was a decent relationship to begin with. I'd really look at getting something outside the house too though, whether it's work or a hobby or volunteering - you need to have a place to feel like you again.

Single mother by choice (DC conceived using a sperm donor) so it's all on me. I knew it would be, intellectually speaking, but some days are really really emotionally tough. My DC is in nursery so in a way that has helped me get my routine back, and some time to myself (even though I'm at work).
When are you thinking of returning to work Op, @antlerlily ? Do you have help form your family other than your partner?

Thanks for replies everyone. I feel very emotional (hormonal) tonight. DH and I bickered earlier over something stupid and have spent evening in separate rooms.

I guess I feel humbled. When we first got together/married it felt certain we'd be the ones who beat the odds. We'd never go to bed angry, stop having sex, lose the passion once we had kids. But hey I guess cliches exist for a reason 

I plan to go back to work part time but part of me worries putting DS in daycare all day as he still so young. I don't know if I should sacrifice myself just a little bit longer until he is at least 1? Also worried my field will be difficult to find something just PT only so may be months before I find something suitable.

@anthurium sooo many things including my relationship would be so much easier if family were nearby but we have no one. One babysitter we trust who is rarely available evenings. Have considered having grandparents come stay so DH and I can have a trip away to reconnect but seems quite unfair on DS who only sees grandparents once every few months and doesn't 'know' them. I think when he's older it will be ok but not for awhile yet...

Thanks again for everyone's reassurance. Just feel like I've fallen in a trap that I was so certain we would avoid. Feel very humbled and disappointed in us

I had the same feel about nursery. But remember you aren’t choosing between the “blissful mum and baby time” and “ evil nursery and being a failing mother”. That first one isn’t an option. You aren’t going to suddenly have a personality change and feel better about this situation. My son loves nursery and tries to break down the door when he’s dropped off and still runs to me at the end of the day.

Also, take lunch dates if that’s when the baby sitter is available. It doesn’t have to be the evening. Get the grandparents to visit while you stay home but pop out for a coffee and work up to an overnight. Do something for you even if it’s small.

I also have no family and a husband that works one week in three at the moment you have to be ruthless with what works for you. People say it will pass, and it will but you can make it pass more quickly!

Please don't feel guilty about wanting a career. You can be a brilliant mum with a career. It doesn't make you a lesser parent. You have to be more organised, so it brings its own stresses, but if it makes you happier and more confident, that is good for your child in the short and longer term.

You sound completely normal, maternity leave can be very isolating.

Don't feel guilty about nursery, it's healthy for a child to mix with others. Go back to work part-time, and then eventually, back to full time.

Also, can you find a sports centre that has a creche, while you do whatever exercise you prefer. I found that building up my fitness gave me loads more energy and meant I was much more able to cope.

You've done eight months, by xmas you'll feel much more positive and optimistic x

While I never understand 'don't have time to have a shower' brigade (I had two under two, no family, husband who worked away a lot and I always had one), it can be relentless.
Having a good bedtime routine so i had evenings free was something I did from day one. I also did not expect myself to keep the house in the same clean condition as before. If you can get a cleaner in. Also daycare - one day a week, a couple half days? I went back to work when my son was five months. Never felt guilty. When I stopped working due to medical issues when pregnant with my second he still went in a couple days a week, though we were able to afford it.
I think you do need to prioritise your relationship with your partner. But it is early days yet, and you both have to step up in order to do so.

Just get your grandparents in for a stay (if possible) and within their time with you go out for an evening. It sounds a little like you are worring about what might happen rather then actually seeing what will happen.
You clearly need a break your relationship with your partner is so, so important. Your child deserves to have loving parents and if that means a little time away then do it.

My little is 5 months currently and I will be going back to work full time when she is 8 months - equally for financial reasons as well as my own sanity! I'm not ashamed to admit that, and I don't see why I should be.
My partner and I went out in an evening when she was 3 months (albeit for only 3.5hrs) and it was great! She's not damaged by it and survived being looked after by my sil! Tbh I can't wait to do it again!!

I agree with pp that your claim to have not washed your hair all week is a little over the top. I would try to gain a little more perspective on things and remember that other parents know what its like and won't judge you for taking some time for yourself. You should try not to judge yourself either! Are there any groups you could join to find a babysitter/other parent to help out?

Welcome to parenthood. Did nobody warn you?
Seriously, hang on in there. You'll get used to being last in line, it's not the end of the world. Grab help where you can. 18 years will fly by.

@DeadbeatYoda Are you ok? You post has that strange double layer feeling where on the surface you want to sound witty and sarcastic but actually you just sound like you need a hug.