Long relationship - do you love your DH/DP ?

KangarooKenny · 2022-08-07T11:49:29+00:00

Been together over 30 years, used to adore him, now I think we’re together because it’s all we’ve known for 30 + years. Don’t think I love him, I have an affection for him as we’ve been together so long and he is my kids father, but don’t feel ‘love’. No sex for a couple of years, but that doesn’t bother me now. Sleep in separate rooms. I frequently think that I want to be fully in charge of my life/home etc, then other times I like the company.

WhatIsModeration · 07/08/2022 12:54

I think it's completely normal to feel like this. No-one stays madly in love forever and a day (well not the same type of love they had in the early days).

I've only been with DH 7 years (married 4) and I feel differently towards him now than I used to.

Skelligsfeathers · 07/08/2022 13:49

I've been with my dh 30 tears and i absolutely love him. He is my best friend, my everything.

I miss him when he works away.

Why have you stopped being intimate? Separate bedrooms and no sex is really sad.
Without intimacy, it is not really a marriage is it?
Sharing a bed is about the cuddling, talking, etc isn't it?

Anothernick · 07/08/2022 14:25

We've just had our 30th wedding anniversary, still love each other. We do sleep separately most of the time but an active and fulfilling sex life remains one of the strongest foundations of our relationship. Of course it hasn't all been plain sailing, we've had our ups and downs, but we have come through.

Forkandknife23 · 07/08/2022 14:41

I could have written your post word for word, OP. I'm trying to decide if this really is enough for me. Like you, I often want my life to myself but do worry I'll be lonely.

Runaround50 · 07/08/2022 15:30

Yes I hear you Kangaroo.
Been with OH 21 years.
I'm thinking affection rather than love.
He's the father of my two children.
We've been through loads, including ill health.
I'm in menopause now and sex life has taken a huge nose dive.
However, we have have been on holiday this week and he can still hit ' the spot' I've discovered! We kind of bed hop at home, mainly due to my crap sleep and his snoring. However, I quite like the feel of wandering hands right now!

I too often think of living alone in own ( rented house ). I am in two minds what to do about that.

It's all normal. Remember Shirley valentine?

Good luck.

Floralnomad · 07/08/2022 15:34

Been together 37 years , married for 33 yrs and yes I still love him .

Original poster

KangarooKenny · 07/08/2022 16:35

Forkandknife23 · 07/08/2022 14:41

I could have written your post word for word, OP. I'm trying to decide if this really is enough for me. Like you, I often want my life to myself but do worry I'll be lonely.

Loneliness and the kids ‘choosing’ him are what keeps me here.

OP posts:

Original poster

KangarooKenny · 07/08/2022 16:37

The thought of having sex with him gives me the ick. I think it comes from resentment from him not sorting his penis problems out, plus years and years of snoring that he’s done nothing about. I don’t want him to touch me or kiss me.
I’ve put on weight due to lockdown/peri, so I’ve no doubt I give him the ick too, before anyone says anything.

OP posts:

Runaround50 · 07/08/2022 16:40

Kangaroo, do you think you would leave and start afresh?
How old are the Kids? You?
I reckon I could do it, but whether it's the right decision or not , I don't know.

FeelingwearyFeeelingsmall · 07/08/2022 16:41

We've been married 35 years. Haven't had sex for about 8 years and sleep in separate bedrooms because he snores and has night terrors.

I probably love him more now than when we married. The passion and lust has gone but now there's a deeper love rooted in everything we have experienced together. He's far from perfect (and neither am I ) but he's my person and I would not want to be without him.

overitall1 · 07/08/2022 16:54

FeelingwearyFeeelingsmall · 07/08/2022 16:41

We've been married 35 years. Haven't had sex for about 8 years and sleep in separate bedrooms because he snores and has night terrors.

I probably love him more now than when we married. The passion and lust has gone but now there's a deeper love rooted in everything we have experienced together. He's far from perfect (and neither am I ) but he's my person and I would not want to be without him.

This is pretty much us. I am perfectly happy, and as far as I know so is he. We share interests and hobbies (but also have our own) and I'm living with my best friend. Sex really isn't the be all and end all of a relationship despite what the media suggests.

princessleah1 · 07/08/2022 16:55

Same situation for me. Kids grown up, been together 35 years. Ive been in two minds about the relationship for a long time but never had the ooomph to leave. We've been through a lot together which makes it hard.
We still have sex but I'd happily do without it I'm honest.
I've suggested separate bedrooms as I think having my own space may help things. I need to re establish my identity after so long and having a "room of one's own" may help that

dalisdrippingclock · 07/08/2022 16:59

I could also have written this. I'm torn between wanting to try really hard to rekindle the passion and then I just think how much easier my life would be without him. Sadly, financially we would barely get two apartments for our house and there are the kids to think of.

Midlifemusings · 07/08/2022 17:05

Every relationship progresses differently. Some people are still in love many years on. My parents have been married 55 years and they get emotional if separated for more than a day or two. They love spending time together and miss each other when apart. My friend's parents on the other hand discovered at the 45 year mark that really it was only their kids that had kept them together and they really didn't enjoy each other's company and they have recently separated.

minesalargered · 07/08/2022 17:08

Been together 25 years. He's horribly compromised physically due to huge medical event and has been in hospital for 3 months. Even so, even with this awful situation, he's still my best friend and soul mate.

Tricky one OP, but you seem dreadfully unhappy.

mydogisthebest · 07/08/2022 17:13

All couples are different but I don't think it is normal to stop loving someone because you have been together a long time.

Me and DH have been married 42 years and are very much in love. We are also each other's best friend.

My parents were married 68 years when they died last year and absolutely adored each other. They held hands all the time (in the street, on the sofa)

LastWordsOfALiar · 07/08/2022 17:18

16 years here so not as long as you. Yes I love him. But I'm not madly in love with him, like the beginning. I truly don't know any couples IRL, who have kids, who have kept the same love they had before kids. Family life, the drudgery, monotony, financial struggles, routines etc take their toll. That's normal.

My parents have been together 40 years. They have a complex relationship, love each other but very much not in love and bicker more than they laugh.

Unless one has health issues, I don't think me and my OH will ever have our own rooms. Personally I think that rids you of any intimacy and could be a slippery slope into losing any spark that's left.

Wombat27A · 07/08/2022 17:27

Whereas we've always had separate rooms as we're on different time zones usually and I'm hot and talk in my sleep...

It's what you make of it. I love having my own space.

Original poster

KangarooKenny · 07/08/2022 17:28

The intimacy was rubbish because of his problems, but he did nothing about it. When the sex went, and the resentment started, I didn’t see why I should put up with his snoring any longer.

OP posts:

mydogisthebest · 07/08/2022 17:44

LastWordsOfALiar · 07/08/2022 17:18

16 years here so not as long as you. Yes I love him. But I'm not madly in love with him, like the beginning. I truly don't know any couples IRL, who have kids, who have kept the same love they had before kids. Family life, the drudgery, monotony, financial struggles, routines etc take their toll. That's normal.

My parents have been together 40 years. They have a complex relationship, love each other but very much not in love and bicker more than they laugh.

Unless one has health issues, I don't think me and my OH will ever have our own rooms. Personally I think that rids you of any intimacy and could be a slippery slope into losing any spark that's left.

I think the relevant words in your post are "who have kids". Me and DH don't have any and honestly think that is a major factor in why we are still so happy and in love.

Among our family and friends it is the couples who are childfree that seem the happiest by far. In fact the majority of the ones with children are divorced.

Not always the case though as my parents, as I said, were incredibly happy and in love

cheekychatta · 07/08/2022 17:52

After many years the passion has faded the sex has dwindled but we still love each other, it's morphed into a friendship and partnership . I don't want or need anyone else .

NotReallySure · 07/08/2022 20:48

Sounds really difficult. I can't really advise from experience, but there's a difference between a new, less passionate kind of love, and no love/just affection. Must be really hard. Don't stay for comfort/fear of the unknown though. X