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Original poster

Something like Freedom programme?

11 replies

Lluxstent · 07/08/2022 12:45

A young relative is in a relationship so littered with red flags that is unreal.
She has bruises all over her arms that she says are from playfighting and the young man is displaying other controlling behaviours.

She won't listen to any of the loving adults in her life.
I wondered if there was something like the freedom programme that we could persuade her to engage in.
I am not sure the F.P is suitable.
Any advice would be gratefully appreciated.

OP posts:
Skelligsfeathers · 07/08/2022 14:10

.

SpringAspen · 07/08/2022 15:37

Can't think of anything similar to FP unfortunately. Why wouldn't it be suitable?

Original poster
Lluxstent · 07/08/2022 17:45

It may well be suitable. I just wasn't sure. They are not at the living together stage and i think i thought the freedom programme was for people in more serious situations?

Would it be suitable do you think?

OP posts:
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/08/2022 18:40

shop.thriveprogramme.org/

www.facebook.com/thrivewithphilippa/

LastWordsOfALiar · 07/08/2022 21:51

Has anyone addressed the bruises with the boyfriend?

"Boyfriend, if the bruises are from play fighting then you need to ease off. It's not on for men to hit women, even if you are playing. Good men don't hit".

I know it's tempting to stay out of it so as not to alienate the girl but she and he need to know you know and that is not acceptable. Starting quiet can make someone feel they shouldn't speak up, no one will believe them, or it's normal.

It's not and someone needs to do something (report to police if need be - it could be enough to make her see what's happening and also put a flag next to her name if she needs to contact them again or anyone else has concerns)

toffeechai · 07/08/2022 21:55

LastWordsOfALiar · 07/08/2022 21:51

Has anyone addressed the bruises with the boyfriend?

"Boyfriend, if the bruises are from play fighting then you need to ease off. It's not on for men to hit women, even if you are playing. Good men don't hit".

I know it's tempting to stay out of it so as not to alienate the girl but she and he need to know you know and that is not acceptable. Starting quiet can make someone feel they shouldn't speak up, no one will believe them, or it's normal.

It's not and someone needs to do something (report to police if need be - it could be enough to make her see what's happening and also put a flag next to her name if she needs to contact them again or anyone else has concerns)

Do not do this. Talk to her, not the boyfriend.

If he is abusing her, talking to him could be dangerous for her or cause him to alienate her from you.

OldFan · 07/08/2022 22:15

In Australia there's a programme called the Shark Cage which has a workshop which is primarily aimed at young women. There's a little video she could watch online

There's a book 'How to Spot A Shark' www.ursulabenstead.com.au/shop/How-to-Spot-a-Shark-p426903520 There are other bits in their shop you could buy if you wanted to work through it with her.

I think Freedom Programme would be ok- there's one session about sex which she could skip if she's not ready for it.

But really, you can't do much until she's ready to, she has to engage with this sort of info herself- she may not realize her relationship is abusive and you can only give your opinion on that, if possible without doing so in a way that will drive her away.

OldFan · 07/08/2022 22:18

i think i thought the freedom programme was for people in more serious situations? Would it be suitable do you think?

@Lluxstent I did Freedom and my involvement with an abusive man was not a full-on relationship and only abusive in certain ways. Anyone can do it. I think it's info people should learn quite young really, to help them avoid/get out of abusive relationships.

LastWordsOfALiar · 07/08/2022 22:30

toffeechai · 07/08/2022 21:55

Do not do this. Talk to her, not the boyfriend.

If he is abusing her, talking to him could be dangerous for her or cause him to alienate her from you.

Show quote history

If he's abusing her, he will likely try to alienate her anyway, if he isn't already.

If no one says anything to him, then it's as good as accepted in his eyes, no? Maybe he's grown up around violence and thinks it's normal. Maybe he thinks people don't notice, or worse, that they do but don't care and won't do anything about it.

I get what you're saying and I do think it depends on the situation, but this girl already has bruises all over her arms and likely in places people can't see too.

If I were the girls family, I 100% would be making sure someone had serious words with him. In the hopes this slows him down until she decides to leave him (hopefully).

I realise this is unlikely to stop him. But it will let them both know that people see it and won't accept it. It's important they both realise it's wrong (which at a young age they may not actually be aware that it's not normal and not acceptable).

Abusers are often cowards. Many wouldn't say boo to a goose outside of the relationship.

OldFan · 07/08/2022 22:36

If I were the girls family, I 100% would be making sure someone had serious words with him.

This'd just make him more determined to convince her the family members are evil, or prevent her seeing them.

Unless maybe it's in a kind of 'All-American' way, by male relatives running the bloke out of town. But that isn't the easiest thing to do in the real world.

Original poster
Lluxstent · 08/08/2022 01:02

We have repeatedly made our feelings known. Her parents have had awful rows with her. I have had conversations with her.
She just keeps saying we don't understand.
Unfortunately, we all understand far greater than she does.

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