as the name says, please tell me how dating works nowadays

[datingadvicefortheclueless]

back in the olden days when I started seeing exH, you went out to pubs/clubs/parties and met people, you started staying round each others places more, then realised that you would have more drinking money if you only had one lot of rent to pay, so moved in together. In an ideal world, you wouldn't have got married and started having babies stupidly young though

So fast forward a large number of years, you've divorced the boyfriend you shouldn't really have married, and are starting again. You've successfully navigated OLD, and have been getting on really well with someone, who's now suggesting an actual date. How does that all work these days?

I'm assuming we're going out for dinner, so who pays? Do I insist on paying half, or do I let him treat me? And what are the expectations about post-dinner, do I let him drop me home (he'll be driving to my town), or do the same rules of not getting into a car with a stranger still hold true? Do I let him have my address if he offers to pick me up first (my instinct is to say not, but how do I phrase that in a "I really would like to get to know you better, but atm you're still a stranger off the internet and I don't know if you're an axe murderer or not yet" kind of way without either causing offence by implying he's dodgy, or implying I think he only wants to get in my pants?)

And sex, if my very long and very shit marriage had the first half being crap sex and the second half being no sex, but with my counsellor I've managed to get my head round the fact that that was a lot more due to ExH than it was me, so I'm in a much more positive place, how do I explain that I have practically no experience of anything other than pretty mechanical PIV sex (I've never given a blow job FFS!) and so I need to be handled like a 50 year old virgin? Im guessing a first date isn't the right place/time for that kind of convo, but I would like to have the discussion before we hit a bed preferably.

So at what point would sex generally be expected? We live about an hour away from each other, so Im thinking that if things carry on as positively as they have been, staying over may happen sooner that perhaps it might of we loved in the same place.

And finally, how does the "exclusive" thing work - back in the day it was expected you wouldn't be seeing anyone else if you were "going out" with someone, but the terminology has all changed, and wonderful as my DC are, they seem happy enough with the concept of dating more than one person at a time, which I struggle a bit with I think.

Is there anything else I need to know?

It’s same sex, so not directly applicable. But like you out of decades long relationship that started in a standard way pre the advent of the smart phone. We met and had a date a week. Slept together date 3 as we lived in different cities. Continued a date a week, with a daily call and lots of texting for 3 months. Decided we were in a relationship at that point (tho I’d always be exclusive once I’d slept with someone). Went on holidays together from that point and started to spend a weekend together.

But it was very clear we wanted to get to know each other in the early days. So a lot of it naturally followed but we had to put in work due to the distance as we couldn’t just casually meet midweek.

In a relationship now, but when I was OLD:

He pays or its 50/50. People are going on a lot of dates these days, so some men may not see you again if you expect a meal to be paid for each night. On the other hand, some women seem quite conventional and if he's asking, then he's buying, and if he doesn't then he won't get a second date. Personally I just preferred to split and then there's no bullshit surrounding expectation etc. Plus, in my experience online chemistry or whatever doesn't really translate to the meeting itself, so might be worth treating the initial meet as something less casual to see if there's anything there, then have a proper first date after.

Car thing is tricky because you are by and large still meeting a stranger. I would never let them pick me up at my house, but if the night had gone well a drop off would be fine. But you set your own bar on this one.

Sex - I think there are a lot of people in your boat, on both sides. I see a lot of posts about people in their 30s/40s with little to no experience, a lot of anxiety etc (i replied to one of these threads today!). I think apart from the situation you described, OLD has opened the doors for otherwise good guys who were just really shy in the past and not part of the get drunk and pull someone in a nightclub scene, who perhaps in the past would never have met someone but now actually has a decent way to do it! As much as there are a lot of jerks out there, I met some wonderful men also who had a lot going for them. I asked my partner how he would like to be told (and he said it would have been a relief haha!), and he said definitely not the first date at the table. He said if there's interest on both sides and the chat starts to get a bit sexual, then you could talk about it then. Just be sure that he's not the type who would try to take advantage of it. If any shaming or shit like that occurs just walk.

Im with you on the multiple dating. I hate it. My boyfriend hated it. I saw a post on here one time talking about how a woman just had a wonderful date with a great guy and saw potential, and when she got home she ended up sexting with another 'iron' despite aforementioned guys greatness. It seems accepted these days but if my partner or I had done that and eventually got together I think it would have really hurt me/him despite not technically doing anything wrong. I think its very commonplace, so just assume people are multdating unless they don't seem the type (and you still never know) or put in your profile that it isn't for you and would like to meet someone on the same wavelength. And just to clarify, although I feel that multidating is not a great way to approach relationships, im not judging.

The only other thing I'd say is that try not to invest too much before you've met. It's very easy to become attached and almost a couple beforehand, then meet and there be absolutely no chemistry in person. I've found speaking on the phone helped with this and makes it a bit less awkward also, but until you've met all bets are off! Also, persistence is key. The important thing is to stick with it even if it doesn't work out and try not to become too jaded. I found it a learning experience but as long as you're quite good at filtering out red flags beforehand, then I think most of the men you will meet will at least give you a good date if nothing else!

Whenever I’ve been on a date, the man has always paid. Even though I’ve offered to pay 50/50 the man has always insured that he pays. Not that’s it’s a rule, it must be just the type of men I go for.

As for sex, I use the 3 date rule (no sex until at least the third date) because with OLD there are so many men just out to get laid so it sort of sends the message they need to make an effort to date me properly before they have sex with me. That way I can ensure they’re not just after sex.

What are you hoping to eventually happen?

To cohabit? To get married again? To blend families? I think having an idea as to what you'd like to have in a relationship will dictate how invested you want to be.

The man has always paid,but most dates, it's only been a cup of coffee, so not exactly breaking the bank. Went 50:50 when it was an actual meal and hotel. Have also done 50:50 on activities, where we needed entrance tickets.

Current one has insisted on paying for a couple of meals, so I might bake him a cake or something before I see him this weekend, which is not at all financially equivalent, but is in other ways.

In my experience, if a man really really fancies you, he'll insist on paying for the first date. He'll want to look good more than he'll want to save money.

50/50 for dinner. Meet at the restaurant and taxi home. I have done my share of online dating and would never give my address on the first date no matter how the date seemed to be going

Never give your address, always meet at a mutual area. Never allow him to drive you anywhere. 50/50 pay for meal unless he insists. A lot of men are multi dating which is common on OLD. If he wants to meet with you again he will let you know. OLD is brutal so never get your expectations high, just enjoy the moment and if you get a second date and you want a second date then thats great. Gone are the days you met at a pub and then started 'going out together'. Its seems a lot more complicated. I did 7 years on OLD, had a couple of short term relationships which never lasted. I have ended up with a guy I knew from 31 years ago through a mutual passion I started up when I was dumped 7 years ago!

@litterbird

How do.uou know the current relationship won't end either? There is absolutely no way to predict whether a relationship that started on OLD or in the real world would last.

I have OLD dates loads, met current partner this way. I would normally meet in a pub somewhere half way or in town. I treated it as a pre-date, kind of like you meet them out. It’s really easy to get attached through text, but different in person. no swapping addresses.

I remember a guy I was texting, really witty texts, but in person couldn’t speak. It was a silent awkward and disappointing date.

If we go out to eat I always offer to split the bill. If they insist to pay that’s fine as I will pay next time - if I want to see them again. If I don’t I really strongly insist to pay as don’t want to be known as a gold digger. Being equal in a relationship is important to me.

now with my partner he pays I will pay next time etc. it will work out.

You need a thick skin

Prepare to be ghosted / slow faded

Most are just after a shag and will say anything to get one

Go into it with a very open mind and don't get over invested initially

Go 50/50 on a date so if they pay all of the date they'll expect a second date

Trust what you're gut is telling you, its very rarely wrong

Look up all known red flags

Good luck

thanks everyone, thats all really helpful - this kind of thing is so different to thirty odd years ago!

Im glad to see that my initial feelings were along the right lines too

I would say that your tone in your OP is a bit passive eg you assume you are going out to dinner. You are every bit as much in charge as he is. I would say - first date should be brief eg a coffee and treat it as a getting to know him a bit better. If that goes well then yes a dinner. I would always insist on paying half - sometimes they would accept, other times it didn't. I had a "date buddy" who knew where I was going and I would text her before and after. Re the exclusive thing this is something you can usually gauge from them, what they say and their behaviour but you cannot expect that early on.You can however make your opinion clear at some point. The three date sex rule is a load of bollocks in my opinion especially in your scenario. Wait until you are comfortable and ready. I was very much in your position and am now married to someone I met online. Many people I know are too. Do remember it is a numbers game though and don't get too invested too soon. Look for someone "on your level" as it were.

You can play the "numbers game" a long time or not, I think it's also to do with how desperately you want to be in a relationship.