Boyfriend started smoking weed and I don’t like it

[Haribo12345678910]

My Boyfriend (30) and I (23) have been together for the last 3 years. We have definitely have been through our fair share of highs and lows.

A couple of months ago my boyfriend got given some weed and we smoked it. This was my first time smoking weed.

Backstory: I have only ever tried a brownie before this with him during year 1 of our relationship. I fell asleep so it didn’t really have any mental affect on me. Boyfriend used to smoke it when a teenager and hasn’t done it since except the brownie. I already had a hatred for weed as my twin brother has been on it since he was about 15. I am not a drinker either I haven’t got drunk for about 3 years, but boyfriend rarely drinks either. He is however on antidepressants.

Anyway, I only had a couple of puffs (I don’t smoke usually and I’m pretty sure I only took it in my mouth so it didn’t do much. I decided it wasn’t for me. However my boyfriend has continued to smoke it at the weekends and sometimes during the week if the week has been extra stressful. I have made it clear to him that I am not okay with it. I don’t like it being in the house and I have set boundaries with him. He can do it outside and when he comes in he goes for a shower and brushes his teeth. All of which he has agreed to.

When I have brought it up in the past about him using it as a destresser, he says it’s legal in some countries and it’s a proven destresser at low dosages. However, here’s my problem with it, it stinks and you are just suppressing the problem. You’re not actually dealing with it. He has tried therapy before at the beginning of our relationship which did help a little but he stopped soon after. I will say he is a very active guy who goes to the gym 5 times a week so he does have that as a destresser but that’s not enough at the moment.

So I what I am trying to say is that I can’t move pass the weed regardless of boundaries I set. I can’t help but feel resentful towards him for doing something I don’t like but at the same time I would never force him to stop because it’s how he is dealing with his life at the moment.

The thing is before my current relationship if I was on a date with a guy who smoked weed that would of been a deal breaker for me. But obviously I love him and don’t want to change him.

Help I’m so conflicted.

If you have a hatred for it, why have you smoked it and had a brownie ? You sound conflicted within yourself.
To be honest, you need to dump him. He’s not what you want, and please don’t go and get pregnant by him.
End it, block him, done.

You're going to have to leave him.

If you have a hatred towards It and feel resentful towards him then tell him honestly how you feel.
For me, I couldn’t continue to relationship unless he tried to get support to come off of it and tried to get support for his problems. I feel like he’s using it as his excuse, as you say, to run away from whatever is wrong.
Tell him how you feel, one of you moves out and he either works on stopping or you’re done all together. It’s sadly entirely up to him to stop or not.

You are indeed going to have to leave him. If you’ve also got a hatred for it (and given you’ve seen this at first hand in your brother) why did you compromise your own principles here?. Are you really that easily swayed?.

This man using both cannabis and anti depressants is bad news He’s just storing up more problems for himself so I would not wait around to see how that pans out. It will all come crashing down soon enough.

Honestly, save yourself the stress now and leave him. It is not going to get any better. I've known a lot of regular weed smokers and it does not help their mental health at all, it makes them paranoid addicts who lash out at everyone around them. They are not chilled out in the slightest, despite what they may think.

We have definitely have been through our fair share of highs and lows.

This doesn't sound like a particularly good relationship even disregarding the weed. Despite the bollocks which seems to float around about a relationship being worth “fighting for” or “hard work” or that love can “conquer” anything else, a good relationship - whilst being something you might need to put some effort of work into - really isn’t characterised by “highs and lows” or lots of issues and strife; and particularly not in short relationships like yours and before major commitments like mortgages and children to add stress.

You clearly aren’t compatible, in the weed or anything else. You’re young, and you met him when you were a naive teenager. End it and find somebody you’re better suited with.

Dump him. Simple. If he can’t cope now, imagine having kids with him and his drug taking then.

End it. My ex boyfriend starting smoking weed during lock down. I kind of ignored it as we don't live together and didn't impact me. Well it did, I wouldn't hear from him or have a proper conversation as he was monged out on the sofa.
Then when I was there, he would stay up after I'd gone to bed to smoke it.
It's awful. It makes them distant and lazy. He just became a lazy man, really unattractive.

If it's something you're not comfortable with, then that's your choice. He shouldn't have to change, and neither should you. It's just a compatibility issue. My partner smokes weed, he told me about it from the day we met and I don't mind. Yes there have been times where he's had life struggles (family/friend deaths) and he's smoked more than I'd like him to - but I tell him this and he takes it on board. I definitely couldn't be with someone that smoked it all day every day as I'd be worried what their true personality was like if they were masking it with constantly being stoned. But someone smoking a joint an evening, a few times a week doesn't bother me. Just as people use wine/beer to destress. I'm much like you in the sense that I don't smoke or drink (I'm a social drinker every few months but wouldn't just sit and have a glass of wine at home alone). But only you know what you want to tolerate, and that's fine, we all have different boundaries xx

This would be a dealbreaker for me. I watched a close friend’s marriage disintegrate slowly due to her husband’s use of weed. Save yourself a couple of years of misery and leave him now.

Same here. Absolutely zero tolerance for drugs of any kind in friends, family or partners.

He doesn’t care about your feelings on the subject, and is becoming a habitual user. I think it’s sensible to tell him that if he doesn’t stop then it’s over.

Monged out? Charming!

He was 27 and you where only 20 when you got together.. and now he's on weed ? A creep and a loser you know you can do better

It’s a dumpable issue.
Talk to him, tell him there is no future if he continues down that path

I hate drugs (pot landed me in hospital for the first time with my bipolar) so I would have to give him an ultimatum and if he carries on, bin him.

It's not an evidence based treatment for stress- he needs to see his doctor for that instead.

It does effect them in relationships, it makes them turn inwards more.

If you don't like it, you should leave. If you want, give him an ultimatum but it will likely be pointless because adults generally don't like their behaviour being prescribed by their partners and without marriage you don't really have any leverage other than your presence.

I use cannabis pretty regularly and I wouldn't stop because a partner demanded it. It would be the same for pretty much any hobby or pastime. Anyone who takes that much of an issue with things I enjoy is probably not someone I should be in a relationship with in the first place.

If you genuinely want workarounds, tell him to get a vaporiser. Much less smell and what smell there is will dissipate very quickly.

The "masking the problem" is a weird one, considering he is on anti-depressants. What do you think they're doing if he's not also getting therapy?

Leave him. You are young. You say you've already had your fair share of ups and downs. He's now wasting money on drugs. Move on from him. You have got the rest of your life ahead of you, concentrate on yourself op.

It's slang for intoxicated with drink or drugs isn't it? That's what the poster was trying to convey.

I can’t move pass the weed regardless of boundaries I set. I can’t help but feel resentful towards him for doing something I don’t like

The first part of this is totally valid - if you really don't like something about your partners behaviour, whether that's smoking weed, humming in the shower or doing the crossword badly, you've got a right to break up with them over it. It doesn't matter whether other people would or wouldn't tolerate it, if you can't or won't deal with it you don't have to.

But as to the second part I do wonder if you're being fully honest with yourself when you describe it as just "something I don't like". Is it just that you see it as a nasty/smelly habit, like normal smoking for example? Or is it that you've seen the impact it has had on your brother's or other people's lives? That you worry about how it's psychologically affecting your partner, or how it might change him in the future? That you are very bored with the new life where you sit at home with a doped up partner each evening? Or something else?

Personally I dated weed smokers in my teens and v early twenties before deciding I would never do so again. (I am not averse to the occasional smoke at a party or festival, or the people who do that, but habitual drug users are not people I want in my life any more.) The main reason for that was that I saw that the boyfriends I had who smoked weed habitually were deeply unhappy people who used the drugs to calm their brains down - but the result wasn't actually calm, it was more of a daze. The underlying problems remained and IMO the weed totally sapped their motivation, and their ability to change or even their belief that changing their lives was possible. They were depressed, the weed didn't help. And they were mentally "absent" when smoking (daily) leaving me alone basically.

Dump him.

Are you ok @Haribo12345678910 ?

Not only are stoners boring, strong weed can induce Phsychosis unlike the hashish from days gone by.

ive him an ultimatum but it will likely be pointless because adults generally don't like their behaviour being prescribed by their partners and without marriage you don't really have any leverage other than your presence.

Yes it's a leverage like in marriage or any relationship- the relationship would be at an end if OP stayed strong and enforced her boundary.

The "masking the problem" is a weird one, considering he is on anti-depressants. What do you think they're doing if he's not also getting therapy?

Treating his depression with an evidence based treatment with less tangential effects than weed. They mightn't know how anti depressents work but they know they work. And people who turn to weed as an escape from their problems aren't as likely to get therapy etc as people who get evidence based, reputable treatments. My stoner ex didn't even take medication for his issues. He believed doodling was a treatment, but was still really fucked up. If he'd had money for treatment he'dve spent it on flakey, quite hippy treatments with a poor evidence base. And/or probably more drugs as 'therapy.'