More to a marriage?

[missminimum]

Currently sitting on sofa next to DH who is asleep. This happens every evening. I will go to bed around 11pm most nights, which usually wakes him up, but he stays up, despite barely being able to keep an eye open. He often stays up until early hours but will get up for work around 6.15am, take 1.5 hours to get ready, then leave for work around 7.45. I often can't get to sleep waiting for him to come to bed, or get woken when he does, then struggle to get back to sleep. I am then woken for him to get ready for work, when he could get up later and be quicker at getting ready. I have tried talking to him, saying it is not healthy for him or me, but no change. Every evening sitting next to a sleeping DH on sofa is rather depressing and does not make me feel that he is bothered much about me. When he is awake he spends a lot of time yawning loudly. I don't think he is depressed, just in poor sleep habits. Is it just me or is this married life?

Watching with interest as I have similar problems with my DH. Sorry I don't have any solutions. Agree it's a sad state of affairs and inconsiderate of your DH to awake you up. I have spent a lot of our 14 year marriage sleep deprived.

Can you talk about it at an optimum time of day such as afternoon or early evening, and be really insistent that the situation is completely unacceptable, amd changes need to be made? Mine goes to bed at 2am most nights, but he seems to mange on this..with a nap in the evening quite often right when we could be doing something nice. It's so frustrating.

Sleep problems are unbelievably complicated, you have my sympathies. I have a really normal sleep pattern and have been lucky enough to never ever struggle to sleep - even the night my beloved father died I slept like a baby, it’s a family joke! My DH is the opposite - all through childhood he slept badly, when I met him at uni he was almost nocturnal and although as an adult he’s adjusted his sleep pattern so he can function in the adult world he still would stay up until 2am and sleep until 11am every day if he could.

What’s helped us is that I don’t wait for him to come up to bed with me if I’m tired and ready to sleep. I don’t get woken up by him coming in - probably partly because I’m a deep sleeper but also because I make him put his pyjamas outside the bedroom door to change into and he creeps into bed silently. If he doesn’t he gets a bollocking. He also makes an effort to come to bed at the same time as me most days a week because we both appreciate it’s nice to go to bed with your partner. I also make an effort at the weekend to stay up much later than I would if I was on my own. We compromise on that. It’s hard work to create a routine that works but it is possible if you both want to respect each other.

He doesn’t sound very respectful of you to be so tired he yawns all the time and falls asleep on the sofa. My husband wouldn’t do that - if he was doing that he makes the effort to go to sleep earlier for a while.

@Coatdegroan The nap is not acceptable. Adults shouldn’t have to nap and doing so shows he need to adjust his sleep pattern to get more sleep. If my husband (who often sleeps at 2am!) was doing this I’d have to put my foot down. Have you discussed this with him? Does he not prioritise spending time with you over staying up to 2am?

Is he asleep throughout the evening? It was 11:15pm when you posted and whilst I don’t know why he wouldn’t go to bed, it isn’t an unreasonable time to be asleep. What does he do if you nudge him and tell him to go to bed? If I see DH nodding off, I would suggest he goes to bed and he would be happy to. But that rarely happens.

Usually I go to bed first and I am up first as well, I am a lark and he is an owl. I also spend 1.5 hours getting ready for work, that includes sitting down and having a leisurely breakfast. I might get up soon, I doubt DH will be up before 9 or 10am, we don’t really tell each other when we should be getting up or how long to spend getting ready for work. I would be irritated if DH spent most of the evening asleep on the sofa, but I think it is up to him want time he goes to bed and gets up.

The sleep pattern is wrong and clearly damaging your relationship. Everyone sleeps in a different way but I would always assume that 11-6 is bedt. Yoime and anything else needs thought - shift work for example.

For couples with two jobs and/or kids I always found that sacking out on the sofa for a couple of hours before bedtime was the period to air thoughts and plans.

I was exactly he same. He is being very selfish. The answer was separate bedrooms. It’s bliss.

Thanks for your replies. It was around 11pm when I posted and falling asleep at that time on the sofa and needing a nudge to go to bed I undestand. The issue is he often falls asleep from 9pm meaning our evenings are not very interactive. If I nudge him and suggest he goes to bed, he says he wants to stay up or he will try to stay awake but nod off again. During the day, he will not relax and barely sits down, which is exhausting. I appreciate we may keep different hours to sleep, but it's more that i find our evenings rather depressing with either him yawning loudly or sleeping. When he does come to bed he is not quiet, he has started sometimes to use the main bathroom to change before bed, which has helped. It just find it may be a sad reflection of the state of our marriage I have talked to him, but little has changed

He won’t change. They very, very, rarely do.

if you have already discussed it, told him how it impacts you, explained how unhappy it makes you, and he still isn't prepared to change his ways, then there is no point discussing it again.

you need to change what you do.

if he is in the house, you have childcare if you need it. So go out. Anywhere. Just be out. Book club, friends house, cinema, library, dance class, women’s institute, local gardening group, local charity, gym, college course, swim. Anywhere. Just build yourself a life outside of watching a selfish man nap every single evening. You'll soon see how boring he is and what else there is to enjoy in life. And you will also see his reaction.

Another thought is he is avoiding intimacy for some reason.

In response to your question, I do think that is a bit of married life. Sometimes a week will go by where I have seen and been around my partner a lot, but I don't feel like we've had any quality time together so we will make time on the weekend to go out for food and drinks to 're-connect'. In saying that, I don't think it is unreasonable for him to be tired at 9pm if he is getting up at 6.15am. What happens before 9pm? What time do you both get home from work? Surely there is a bit of time before 9pm where you can spend some time together?

It just find it may be a sad reflection of the state of our marriage I have talked to him, but little has changed

Thats the main issue for me, the fact you’ve told him his behaviour is disturbing your sleep and he clearly doesn’t care. You also feel alone in the evenings and again he doesn’t care about that. It sounds very sad tbh and is a reflection on the state of your marriage.

I’ve accepted neither of us can change (Dh’s natural sleep time is 9-4, mine is 12-7) so we make time for each other before 9 each evening. Whilst he does fall asleep on the sofa, he will go off to bed around 10 and he’s mastered the art of silently getting ready each morning so he doesn’t wake me up. It’s called being considerate which your dh doesn’t seem to want to be.

Sorry that last para should have begun “Dh and I have different sleep patterns.

I need to have another talk with him, but conversations like this are never easy as he is over sensitive and gets things out of proportion. When he goes into the office, which is meant to be 9-5, he gets home around 7.30 to 8pm, he used to get back later, but has made an effort after me raising it. His commute is over an hour. He then will not sit down to eat his meal, until he is washed, changed and has dealt with any post etc, so this usually means it is 8.30 before he starts go relax ( it used to be later but he has tried to get home earlier recently as I said). Shortly after eating he falls asleep on sofa. On days he is working from home, it is slightly better, but he will go swimming or to yoga in evenings, plus until recently an evening class. I need another conversation with him and to put more effort in

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Can you sleep in a different bedroom? This will ensure you get your sleep and will at least have the energy to take up a hobby in the evening.

If you've spoken to him and nothing changes, you have to make a change yourself.

My dh works shifts so is in bed after teatime. I found myself getting very bored and fed up with sitting, trawling through Netflix by myself. I made a conscious decision this year to find a hobby to do on an evening. I feel so much better in myself as a result, life feels more fulfilled

Mine used to do this or else he'd work in his office and sleep for a couple of hours on the sofa in there, it was incredibly lonely. I divorced him

Sorry, I know it’s not great, but I can’t see what else he can do. By the sounds of it he has a long, tiring day. Him having a shower/getting changed etc after work isn’t unreasonable, and neither is him wanting to make the most of WFH and do some exercise. How are your weekends together?

I sometimes get too tired to go to bed. Easier to doze on the sofa than get upstairs, clean teeth etc. Then stay dozing for hours. I’ve learnt I have to get up to bed the moment I notice I’m starting to feel that.

He needs to do the same. You get better sleep in bed, and it’s not as if he’s enjoying his evenings just dozing.

Thanks for your responses, need to think about doing more with my time and not expecting him to be company in evenings