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Original poster

Is couple counselling worth it?

30 replies

thingamijig1 · 06/08/2022 21:46

I feel like DH and I have come to a crossroads in our relationship and we either seek help going forward or separate. We have 2 DC so separating is something I have wanted to avoid but after many conversations about our problems and no change ive honestly had enough.
In order to not drip feed i will explain our main issues. After a traumatic pregnancy with DD, who is now nearly 8, we knew we didnt want more children. We discussed DH going for a vasectomy, to which he at first agreed to. Years have gone by since then and he has made every excuse in the book to not have it done, even when my method of contraception cause bad mental health and had to be stopped. We are now using just condoms, which i feel is very risky and get anxiety from.
Our other issue is i am left at home alone with DC most evenings. The majority of evenings it is because DH is working, but when he is off he spends his time either out at sports with his friends or out drinking. I honestly cant remember the last time he suggested we did something together. He just doesnt seem to want to. I used to suggest we do things but i got sick of being the only one suggesting/organising anything.
He's a great dad, and if I'm honest we make a good team, but as a wife i feel totally neglected.
So my question, does couple counselling work? Do i just accept this is my life, or do we split up?

OP posts:
Original poster
thingamijig1 · 06/08/2022 22:19

Bump

OP posts:
Seriously79 · 06/08/2022 22:23

Counselling helped us both separately, but not as a couple and we split.

My DH dragged his feet with his vasectomy, so I made enquiries for sterilisation, and had my first consultation. He then realised how serious I was and got himself booked in.

Original poster
thingamijig1 · 06/08/2022 22:52

So you went to thearpy but split up anyway?
That makes me feel its probably not worth it. Im holding so much resentment towards him just now, both about the vasectomy and the drinking/absences that i think splitting up is inevitable.

OP posts:
LocalHobo · 06/08/2022 22:58

Counselling only works if you both want it too.
How much does your (D)H want your marriage to work? From your comments he does not seem very committed to changing the dynamics, however I have only heard your point of view obviously. If you both feel strongly that you want to stay (happily) married and are prepared to change accordingly, then yes, it works.

SweetSakura · 06/08/2022 23:06

I think it is worth doing whether you split or not. You are still going to have to co parent a child together

(Well my ex is an abusive arse so we essentially parallel parent, but DH's ex is very sensible and it is great seeing how well it can work)

curvymumma79 · 07/08/2022 00:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Successgirl2022 · 07/08/2022 00:45

I personally wouldn't divorce in this case.

I would never insist on an operation either if he is against it.

I would carry on planning our days out/weekends off myself if you are better at it. He is better at something else.

I would ask him to compromise and have some extra time a week/a month as a family and stick to that promise. If things don't improve, then, yes, he is risking losing his wife.

Buildingthefuture · 07/08/2022 06:35

Yes, couples counselling does work, but you both have to want it to. You both have to admit there is a problem and be willing to acknowledge your part in it. It’s not always easy to hear, but sometimes, a stranger pointing things out is the kick up the backside people need to make change. In your situation, I would give it a go, but if he remains adamant there is no problem, and refuses to make changes, I would look to separate. Resentment is the death knell of many relationships…..

ManAboutTown · 07/08/2022 06:55

Women putting pressure on partners to have a vasectomy which they really don't want has always seemed sinister and unpleasant to me. If you are really keen to not have any more children you can always get sterilised yourself.

The neglect thing is a totally different issue and I can understand why anyone (male or female) would get annoyed and frustrated with this. Have to be straight here and say it's the footy or me.

KangarooKenny · 07/08/2022 07:26

I think you should get yourself sterilised as, be it with him or a future partner, you don’t want to get pregnant.
Perhaps he is thinking, like you, that you might split and that he wants to be able to have kids in another relationship. That would remove the resentment about the vasectomy.
So then you have the being alone in the evening. Do you have any friends to go out with, or a hobby/gym you can do ? You need equal time off from the family.
Id suggest he also needs to commit to ‘you’ time, and agree to date night.
If he’s happy as it is and doesn’t see a need to change, I think the answer is obvious.

Original poster
thingamijig1 · 07/08/2022 10:23

I thought he wanted to change things, but after recent conversations and the lack of change in his behaviour makes me question this.
I havent pressured him into getting a vasectomy. He said when our daughter was born he would get one before my mirena coil needed to be changed. It was changed in January 2020. My mental health has suffered a lot due to fake hormones being pumped through my body for the last 20+ years. I had the coil removed in March this year and my mental health has improved, our relationship has not. I am willing to be sterilised, however it is a massive operation for a woman to have this done and if he isn't willing to go through a 15 min procedure to save me having another major gynecological procedure then he doesnt really care much about me does he??

OP posts:
Byllis · 07/08/2022 10:55

If you decide to do it, be aware that both of you being happy with the counsellor’s approach is paramount. It’s even more important than in individual counselling.

I had couples counselling many years ago. I didn’t get on with the counsellor at all, while my partner did. She actually ended up becoming another bone of contention. All these years later, while we are still together we cannot even touch this subject because it sets off bitter arguments and brings back horrible memories of not being listened to.

So not only do you both have to be willing to give it a go in the first place, but you have to have someone you’re both comfortable with.

Successgirl2022 · 14/08/2022 23:04

In this case, I would trust the condom and my husband.

I know no contraception is 100% reliable but I would do that without insisting on vasectomy.

Your husband does love you if you are together. Men just often show it in a different way.

Successgirl2022 · 14/08/2022 23:05

What do you think your and your husband's main love language(s) is/are?

Successgirl2022 · 14/08/2022 23:07

I had counselling on my own in 2009 when our son was 2.5y.o. It helped me very much.

My husband refused to go.

Successgirl2022 · 14/08/2022 23:09

He even said to me: 'Go and they (the cousellor) will laugh at you! :)

How immature and defensive was/is he then and now!

Successgirl2022 · 14/08/2022 23:09

😀

Pantsomime · 14/08/2022 23:14

Stop having sex if your relationship is rubbish and you resent him, does it not give you the ick anyway? If you do split up you won’t be having sex with him anyway. If you withhold sex it may help him realise you are serious. Ultimately though if he has no respect for you, is that not the end?

Titsywoo · 14/08/2022 23:14

Successgirl2022 · 14/08/2022 23:04

In this case, I would trust the condom and my husband.

I know no contraception is 100% reliable but I would do that without insisting on vasectomy.

Your husband does love you if you are together. Men just often show it in a different way.

Rubbish. The OP clearly said her DH hardly spends any time with her and the family and is out with friends most of the time.

OP if your DH is keen to do counselling too then go for it but his actions show he has checked out t of the relationship to some extent. Do you get on? Have fun together? Are you intimate and affectionate?

Bouledeneige · 14/08/2022 23:20

I went to couples counselling after infidelity in my marriage. I was clear that it was for me to work out what I wanted. It helped me clarify and evaluate and I decided it was over. We divorced.

It wasn't a waste of time at all. We both got to speak clearly and to hear each other. It was a shame we didn't do it sooner.

PickAChew · 14/08/2022 23:21

Hardly relationship goals, In any sense @Successgirl2022

Justcallmebabs · 14/08/2022 23:41

My husband and I had counselling for months after he had a breakdown following a long period of alcohol abuse, just over a year ago. Our relationship was in a terrible place and I was 8 weeks pp with DC2. It was terrible. Counselling honestly was the best thing we could of done but he had to hit rock bottom before he considered it. After 8 months of weekly sessions we stopped and have since managed to maintain the lessons we learnt. It has completely changed how we communicate overall (still bickering about stupid everyday stuff though!) and I am still trying to heal but when I compare where we were summer last year 2021 to now it’s unrecognisable.

just be warned, once the sessions get going it gets worse before it gets better. Just have to try and stick with it.

johnd2 · 15/08/2022 00:01

Yeah I would say it works very well but I second the comments above that firstly you both have to want to go and want the relationship to work as equals. But secondly and more importantly you both have to accept your part in the status quo. Whether it be misplaced expectations or communication failures.
There are some things best worked on in individual counseling separately eg boundaries, past trauma or triggers etc, and if there is controlling behaviour or other abuse that would need individual counselling as joint counselling would be damaging (as it gives the abuser more ammunition and feedback)
Although you have hinted at controlling behaviour from your side (expecting him to have a minor op) it sounds like that's more like misplaced expectations rather than abusive control!
Good luck,I think counselling will make things clearer for you.

johnd2 · 15/08/2022 00:04

Also the aim of joint counselling isn't necessarily to improve your relationship, it's more like help you get more clarity about the right kind of relationship you both need.
This could be a strong marriage, or it could be co parenting or even low contact in the end.
That isn't a failure of the counselling or a waste of time or money, as long as you are comfortable with the outcome by the end
Hope that helps.

Yeehaww · 15/08/2022 00:29

If u need to even consider councilling - it's already over