Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this assault?

33 replies

MischiefManagedAlways · 06/08/2022 21:39

This may seem like a really stupid question but I just need a bit of a sense check.

Just came back for a meal out with my husband and he starts cuddling me in bed, no problem. He then hints at sex but as I’m on my period I said not today as I just don’t like having sex whilst on my period.

He then decided to pick me up and positioned me so I’m sitting on top of him. I repeatedly tell him no and then he’s inside me. I managed to get off him and now he can’t understand why I don’t want to be near him at the moment because I almost feel like he’s assaulted me.

Am I being over sensitive or as my husband assaulted me?

OP posts:
MilitantFawcett · 06/08/2022 21:47

This is absolutely assault and I don’t blame you not wanting to be near him right now. You “repeatedly told him no” and he ignored you. Does he regularly ignore your boundaries or make you feel like you’re “over sensitive” when you assert them?

Original poster
MischiefManagedAlways · 06/08/2022 21:48

No this is the first time anything like this is ever happened which is why I guess I feel so shocked.

OP posts:
bloodywhitecat · 06/08/2022 21:48

It is assault without a shadow of a doubt.

AmbushedByCake1 · 06/08/2022 21:49

That's rape, OP.

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 06/08/2022 21:50

He assaulted you, I'm so sorry. Do you have someone nearby you can be with, a friend or family member, someone to talk to?

Original poster
MischiefManagedAlways · 06/08/2022 21:52

Rape did cross my mind but it also most didn’t feel serious enough for what happened if you see what I mean.

No, unfortunately I haven’t got anybody close by at the moment.

OP posts:
becks_624 · 06/08/2022 21:54

It is absolutely rape

pompei8309 · 06/08/2022 21:56

Trying really hard to understand, so you were not wearing knickers? tampon? pad? or how did he pick you and he got inside you just like that?

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 06/08/2022 21:57

MischiefManagedAlways · 06/08/2022 21:52

Rape did cross my mind but it also most didn’t feel serious enough for what happened if you see what I mean.

No, unfortunately I haven’t got anybody close by at the moment.

Legally it absolutely is rape:

The legal definition of rape is when a person intentionally penetrates another's vagina, anus or mouth with a penis, without the other person's consent.

But it may feel less serious to you because you managed to get him to stop at the start of him raping you. But that doesn't make it any less serious. You would be well within your rights to call the police or to ask him to leave.

But equally you can take the time to decide what to do, if you feel safe enough right now. It's whatever you feel you need right now that's important.

Gut · 06/08/2022 21:58

That's not assault.

That's rape.

The police would be happy to clarify that for him.

Original poster
MischiefManagedAlways · 06/08/2022 21:59

pompei8309 · 06/08/2022 21:56

Trying really hard to understand, so you were not wearing knickers? tampon? pad? or how did he pick you and he got inside you just like that?

I was wearing a dress with underwear and a pad on and he moved my underwear to the side and entered me.

OP posts:
MilitantFawcett · 06/08/2022 21:59

I’m so sorry OP :( This must be so difficul to get your head around. He needs to understand this behaviour is absolutely reprehensible and can never be repeated. Has he tried to explain himself at all?

Original poster
MischiefManagedAlways · 06/08/2022 22:01

MilitantFawcett · 06/08/2022 21:59

I’m so sorry OP :( This must be so difficul to get your head around. He needs to understand this behaviour is absolutely reprehensible and can never be repeated. Has he tried to explain himself at all?

Thank you. He doesn’t seem to comprehend what’s he’s done. He thinks I’m being overly sensitive and claims not to hear me telling him no

OP posts:
Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 06/08/2022 22:08

MischiefManagedAlways · 06/08/2022 22:01

Thank you. He doesn’t seem to comprehend what’s he’s done. He thinks I’m being overly sensitive and claims not to hear me telling him no

Show quote history

If he claims not to have heard you saying no then he clearly also wasn't paying enough attention to you to make sure it was a yes.

Enthusiastic consent should be the bare minimum and I am guessing one look at your face would have given away the fact that you weren't enthusiastic

Please don't let him make you feel you are wrong here

MilitantFawcett · 06/08/2022 22:12

I hate to say this OP but his reaction sounds really worrying. What he did is an utter betrayal of your trust and undermines the relationship between you. Would he be “over sensitive” if he didn’t want to participate in a sex act and you forced him?

EarthSight · 06/08/2022 22:12

Technically it is rape. There are cases of rape that are maybe more immediately distressing to the victim but it is what it is nevertheless.

He then decided to pick me up and positioned me so I’m sitting on top of him. I repeatedly tell him no and then he’s inside me

Your husband has crossed such a serious boundary, that once crossed, I don't think there's any coming back. Words and gestures are the only thing women have, given that men are stronger. Once men show they're willing to disregard those words to get what they want, you're in dangerous territory.

He's told you through his actions that he doesn't really take you seriously, and that he thinks he can push to get what he wants. He's treated your body like it's an object, like you're a blow-up doll to penetrate and your autonomy, your humanity doesn't matter. It's disgusting.

These are not the actions of a loving, respectful man. It wouldn't surprise me if it this was one of a number of instances of disrespect, abuse or boundary violations in your relationship.

Sorry you had to experience this. It's a lot to get your head around.

Gaveitall · 06/08/2022 22:15

What he did is known as “marital rape.”
Please take it very seriously and maybe tell the police.
It needs to go on record even if you don’t take it further.

In your shoes I think I’d quietly get my act together (finances, important papers etc) & leave him.

Im so sorry this happened to you. It’s awful to have to put up with that. I hope you’re OK.

EarthSight · 06/08/2022 22:15

MischiefManagedAlways · 06/08/2022 22:01

Thank you. He doesn’t seem to comprehend what’s he’s done. He thinks I’m being overly sensitive and claims not to hear me telling him no

Show quote history

Sorry OP but I think that's bullshit. I think he knows he's done something wrong, something serious, and is trying to get out of it. Even if he didn't hear you he must have seen your facial expression at one point. If he was just looking at your body only, then that's just weird and just further makes me think that he regard you as an object to use.

Fladdermus · 06/08/2022 22:26

It's rape. And he heard you say no, he just doesn't want to admit it as he knows what he's done is wrong.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 06/08/2022 22:26

I'm so sorry to say but it is rape. My husband has rubbed up against me in bed and I've said no and it hasn't gone any further. You said no and he did it anyway. It's rape and the fact he doesn't seem to acknowledge this is very worrying. You need to leave and I never say that

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 06/08/2022 22:35

Words and gestures are the only thing women have, given that men are stronger. Once men show they're willing to disregard those words to get what they want, you're in dangerous territory.

This, this is so important OP

Its a little like men who physically abuse women. The first time might be a slap, but once they know that they can get away with that it will escalate, because they have crossed that barrier.

Whitehorsegirl · 06/08/2022 22:38

How horrible.

You made it clear that you did not want to have sex. he ignored you. I am sorry OP but this is rape. The fact that you are married does not mean that he can do whatever he wants with your body.

You stated that you told him ''no'' several times so there is no way he could have missed the fact that you were not a willing participant and now he is blaming you for being ''too sensitive''.

I know it is a shock that your husband could have done this to you but unfortunately this is what happened.

You need to leave or kick him out. There is no coming back from this. I would report him to the police and tell them you do not want him in the house anymore.

I truly can't get my head around why so many men think this type of behaviour is OK: betraying the women they claim to love just because they think their need to get laid is more important than anything else.

Kinneddar · 06/08/2022 22:39

It's not assault - its rape. Don't minimise it by calling it anything else. There's no way he didn't hear you. He chose to ignore you

Please report it. Next time could be a lot worse & now he's crossed that lime, there will be a next time

PortMac · 06/08/2022 22:43

Yuck. He sounds disgusting. Sorry that happened.

MilitantFawcett · 06/08/2022 22:48

This must be an unbelievable shock especially if this behaviour is out of the blue. He is unrepentant, doesn’t care that he hurt you and so all the people saying there will be a next time are right I’m afraid.