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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Gay man says he’s in love with me

12 replies

Howcanthiswork · 06/08/2022 19:51

NC for this because I’m confused and don’t want this associated with my long term username.

I recently met a fantastic man. Good looking, single, funny, etc. Just great and we get on brilliantly. I knew he was gay from the outset and he has been very open with me about his sexuality. We’ve known each other for a couple of years now, speak on the phone every other day, text a lot, etc. It’s been pretty flirty but secure in the knowledge that it was just fun. In my mind it’s been a joyful new friendship as I have known from the start that it couldn’t be anything else.

We were out for dinner the other night and he told me that he was crazy about me, that he was falling in love with me, that he wanted to kiss me and go to bed with me. We ended up back at his place and kissed for hours. It was lovely, but we didn’t take it further, We talked and talked, including about the possibility of a relationship. He was adamant that most peoples sexuality is somewhere on the Kinsey spectrum and sometimes life throws a curveball they don’t expect. He’s never been with a woman before but truly believes that we have something and can be happy together. He also says he has talked to a couple of close male friends who have urged him on and told him not to waste a chance at love.

For my part, I do fancy him and we have a pan amazing connection, no question about that. If I didn’t know he was gay I could fall for him in a nanosecond and would definitely have slept with him, it’s the only thing holding me back. But I can’t get past the idea that a gay man can’t just turn straight for the right girl. It’s abhorrent and smacks of conversion therapy. We’re both in our late 30s and he is completely out to his friends and family with no issues so this isn’t about repressing himself or hiding in the closet. In fact I think a relationship with a woman would actually be a difficult thing for him to navigate. I really think he means it and he couches it all in the words of love and relationships not sex. But I can’t see how a man who is turned on by other men can suddenly be sexually satisfied with a woman, surely there will always be a missing piece. I just feel like there is a big fat broken heart around the corner, probably for both of us.

What do I do?

OP posts:
mama93345 · 06/08/2022 19:54

Sounds like he's bisexual. Or does he really need to label himself at all? It seems he fancies you and also has deeper feelings too. Maybe it's the fact he's labelled himself up to this point which is now making him feel constrained by that label. That seems to be the only sticking point. He needs to follow his feelings.

maranella · 06/08/2022 19:58

Well you don't do anything that you're not comfortable with, for starters!

Having said that, I know a gay man who is (AFAIK), happily married to a woman and they have two kids, been together a couple of decades. He says he isn't attracted to women, he's attracted to her and specifically her. He was out and proud and completely gay before they met, so it can happen.

SleepingStandingUp · 06/08/2022 20:03

How would you feel if his label read bi instead of gay? Even if this were his first female relationship?

MumTrain · 06/08/2022 20:04

I think it’s fine, as long as you can get past it. He has labelled himself gay, but he might be bisexual, pan sexual or he just loves you.

Howcanthiswork · 06/08/2022 20:09

@maranella that’s pretty much exactly what he said to me. I don’t think he is bisexual or even thinking about changing his sexuality. He said he doesn’t fancy women, but he fancies me because we have an amazing connection (and we do). I’ve read back through a couple of years of WhatsApp and I can see our relationship building over time. Didn’t see it at the time, but it is obvious now.

I just don’t know what to do. It would be incredibly easy to follow my heart and leap in to something and see if it goes the distance. Weirdly, I think it might. Take away the fact that he is gay and I would definitely say he could be the one. But I don’t understand and he can’t explain it either.

OP posts:
FollowTheRain · 06/08/2022 20:11

Well he’s obviously not gay if he wants to have sex with you. He may have thought he was but sounds like he’s bisexual, gay men don’t want to shag women. So really it depends if you’re okay with him being bi that’s all there is to it really.

NrlySp · 06/08/2022 20:15

Take it very very slowly. Don’t rush sleeping together.
Ask him to take sti tests if taking it further - sadly gay men are at a higher risk of contracting sti as a rule. Non pc thing to say I know but unfortunately true

Howcanthiswork · 06/08/2022 20:17

I take the point about labels. If the label said bisexual but this was the first relationship with a woman it would make more sense to me. He has always said that he only has sex in relationships and isn’t interested in casual sex as he needs feelings and emotional warmth not just physical pleasure. I think I interpreted that as him feeling like he could squash down the homosexual side of himself rather than being his first female relationship.

OP posts:
Badger1970 · 06/08/2022 20:31

I think I'd explore it, but very very slowly and carefully.

And I agree with a PP about the health risk - that would sadly be my main worry. Just make sure that you look after your own health/needs as well as his.

CuriousMe2024 · 28/02/2024 20:26

Hi, can i ask what happened? Did you try? Did it work? I ask because i could have wrote your post myself.

Measwellj · 26/12/2024 20:30

I'm curious as well, as I'm currently dealing with something similar

StarlightLady · 27/12/2024 08:02

For starters put all labels to one side. Don’t see him as gay. Don’t see him as bisexual, see him as “sexual”. As for him not thinking about changing his sexuality, it really is not a choice thing.

Arguably, we are all on Kinsey somewhere, l’m right down the middle (female), but didn’t discover my bi side until my 30s, so it’s a sort of reverse situation.

Anyone can break your heart, if you fancy him and feel the passion, go for it. If he feels the passion though, l would argue he is not 100% gay, but does it matter?

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