Recovering from infidelity with a partner who doesn’t help me through it.

[Mummy2babyA]

My situation is very complex and I know that there is only me that can do something about it and leave my partner once and for all.

3 or so years ago, I discovered that my partner of a year had been cheating on me practically the whole time that we were together. He was involved with I don’t know how many woman or to what extent this was with each, however I read and saw a lot of intimate things between him and some of them, this continued after I had moved in with him and I had no idea. It devastated me as I was so in love and not ready for the relationship to end so we decided to try and make it work. However this has turned out to be a total disaster, I have zero trust for him and my esteem and confidence are rock bottom. I have anxieties that I have never experienced before and he doesn’t know how to deal with this so then lies to me to keep me quiet. I can’t discuss any issue I have as he just loses his temper and shouts at me. I struggle on a daily basis and just feel so low. I have since had a little boy who is amazing and my little best friend, I protect him from any of this so sit on a lot of my anxieties instead of speaking to my partner as he will not reassure me and will start shouting and I don’t want my baby seeing or hearing that. So I pretty much just suffer in silence, scared on a daily basis that he can be doing anything behind my back and I don’t know what to do. I have tried to leave several times but always end up coming back thinking that this time it’s going to work, but it never does. I am so unhappy the only light in my life is my little man and I have an amazing support network. He has at points become physical, sometimes I have retaliated and so can’t put that full responsibility on him but I just don’t want this anymore. I feel he has no respect for me, I agree to come back as he promises to change but never does, he spends most of his time glued to his phone or his PlayStation, talks to online players who I have no idea who they are, he is an electrician so travels for his job another thing that adds to my anxiety as he used this as a way to meet woman, by having the morning off and I would just think he was working. He doesn’t help with housework at all, neither does he help with our son, he has some playtime with him and will watch him whilst I do housework but other than that nothing, he doesn’t put him to bed, bath him, get up in the night/morning with him to give me some rest as I’m always so tired. He doesn’t feed him, give him a bottle, clean bottles or sterilise them. I feel like I’m a single parent and when I ask him he blames me saying because I have asked him to do something differently, an example being, I asked him not to dress him in his best clothes whilst in the house as I like to be organised with his clothing he just said he has backed off and leaves me to do it. I don’t think he cares and thinks about how I’m feeling. He is only bothered when I’m gone. But I can’t seem to stop coming back. Im at such a loss, I have set up counselling to see if that will help. Financial and housing doesn’t help as he is the earner as I bring our son up, I can’t save as I have no personal money coming in as he earns too much, I don’t want to be homeless with our little boy and tbh I could just do with anyones thoughts who may have been in a similar situation.

You need a women's shelter, the freedom programme, he is physically abusing you

The cheating and the poor parenting and the pathetic manchild behaviour are actually not that important in all of this, the important thing is you being in a place of safety. Once you are there you will have the time and support to sort out things like finances, child care, housing etc.

You need to get out, you know you do.

When you get out next time (remember it takes abused women on average 7 attempts to leave their abuser) block him on everything. Ask a trusted friend / family member to do the contact with your son and do not have any contact with him at all.

In terms of money can you start squirrelling cash, get cashback on the grocery shop or just tell him it isn't acceptable that you have no money of your own and that he needs to transfer you x amount a month. You can also claim child benefit and he will have to pay it back in tax if he leaves you with nothing (he can't stop you!)

In reality though you don't need money to leave. Pack up your stuff - move important stuff to a friends like passports/birth certificates etc before hand. Also anything you can get hold.of in terms of what he earns for child maintenance claims.

Present yourself at the local council. They will find you accomodstion until you can get yourself sorted. If he is clearing £50k then you will get a good maintenance.

To give you some numbers:

Maintenance ~£450 a month (assuming he earns £50k)
UC ~£580 for you and your child plus housing allowance of £450 ish depending on area.

You can get that from the day you leave (appreciating there will be some delay in claim lag)

Good luck!

Thank you guys for putting the effort to reply to me, I appreciate it and it’s nice to have outside input so I don’t think my support is being biased to me. I do feel partly responsible on the physical side tho as I have retaliated towards him physically when he’s got me so upset and wound up, but not everytime, other times he has got angry, thrown objects, hit the fridge/wall, and then pushed me to the ground and once headbutt me. I feel we’re probably just as bad as each other.

my mum has the same opinion to go into a refuge, which last time was my plan to do but because I couldn’t get the help when my mind frame was strong I didn’t. My partner is aware of this and yesterday because he got angry at me for being anxious told me to leave and go into the refuge and ‘make out’ he was abusing me again. Which makes me question myself, is it abuse? Or is it just a toxic relationship that needs to end. I just don’t know, my head is a mess. I couldn’t leave yesterday as my last experience with woman’s refuge was no one available at weekends but I have packed us both a suitcase to try and get myself into that mind frame on Monday, but already I’m feeling weak, questioning myself. I can move to my mums but she’s over 300 miles away and he made me feel like I’d be stopping him seeing his son if I did that. My sisters is overcrowded. I will see how I go Monday. The council have been aware of my situation several times when I’ve left but again each time I come back. I just don’t know anymore :(

If I were you I'd go to your mum

He isn't interested in being a dad. He's useless.

He can see your son if he wants...visitation can be arranged.

I can move to my mums but she’s over 300 miles away and he made me feel like I’d be stopping him seeing his son if I did that.

Do this.

He's an abusive arsehole.

Go to your mums as a circuit breaker so you can plan how to get out permanently.

She can help you while you do so and the distance will mean you're less tempted to go back to him.

Next time you feel bad about moving him far away from his son, read this back:

he doesn’t put him to bed, bath him, get up in the night/morning with him to give me some rest as I’m always so tired. He doesn’t feed him, give him a bottle, clean bottles or sterilise them.

He's a shit dad who doesn't really care about his son. Not really, or he would do any of the things he doesn't do.

Not having an arsehole misogynist in his life isn't the worst thing that could happen to your son tbh.

Leave, go to your mum, sort something out from there. This is no sort of environment to bring up your child.

It's not unusual for someone who is being abused to retaliate - it doesn't make them "just as bad", although it's obviously not a good outcome. And what it absolutely means is that the relationship is FUBAR and for your child's sake you need to get out of it.

Children growing up with domestic violence in the home are considered victims of domestic violence as well, even if they're never physically touched.

I agree with previous posters - get out ASAP, or stay if you don't want your life to improve.

Go to your mums, even if its just to get yourself together and organise the changes you need in your life

He is a terrible partner, a bad father and you owe it to your son and yourself to get away from him

Hi sorry to those who replied I’ve only just settled my lad into bed. I am trying to build up the courage to go to my mums next week whilst he is working and have begun packing us both a suitcase each, my partner practically lives in front room in front of his ps5 so hasn’t even noticed a thing.

It is very true that the distance may help me stop keep going back. I just hope I can find the strength to make the change.

Thank you for your views on it, it’s really helped. I know there are people in a worse position than me in life, but I reckon there’s better than this. I just feel so guilty for my son but I want better for him.