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Original poster

New partner so nervous

32 replies

Aloneinmanchester · 06/08/2022 12:07

I have been seeing this lovely guy for three months. We took things quite slow to begin with and didn’t kiss until we’d been seeing each other for about 6 weeks so I knew that he wasn’t your typical guy trying to get in my pants asap. I’m really attracted to him and he’s so kind and attentive. We have tried to have sex a few times now but he gets really nervous and self-conscious and can’t get an erection or if he does get one, he then loses it before he can come. I’m gutted for him and just want him to enjoy it. Does anyone have any experience of this or tips? I have said to him that we can slow things down until he feels more ready but I think he still feels that he needs to try to impress me. I am willing to work through whatever the issue is - I just don’t want to make it worse or put pressure on him. We are both mid-30s.

OP posts:
Babdoc · 06/08/2022 12:10

Gay and in denial. Or ED from excessive porn use. Or asexual and trying to force himself. How long do you want to hang around hoping things will change?

abadgutfeeling · 06/08/2022 12:12

Had he had many partners before? Has this happened in the past? Is it general inexperience or is he just nervous with you because he likes you?

I'd probably explicitly take sex off the menu for now, say under no circumstance will you sleep with him! Lighten the mood and the pressure completely. Do a bit of touching and kissing and it won't matter if he has an erection or not. If he gets one I still wouldn't try having sex so he knows that is doesn't matter if he loses it. If you're meant to be together I expect it will happen eventually naturally

Original poster
Aloneinmanchester · 06/08/2022 12:22

He’s had two LTRs and has a child from one of them so must have had sex to conceive 😂
I don’t think he’s gay and I really don’t think he watches much (if any) porn. He says it takes a while for him to become comfortable and that he puts too much pressure on himself. Maybe I need to be more assertive with the no sex thing. I think he thinks that I want penetration when actually it isn’t that big a deal for me anyway.
I have had some awful boyfriends in the past and I know it’s so hard to find someone where you get that emotional connection. I’d really like to give it a go. I think I will say that any attempts at penetration are off the table for now and that we should just focus on getting more comfortable with each other.

OP posts:
Simonjt · 06/08/2022 12:30

Ah, this was us, well me, very awkward at the time, funny now. Just a bit of time really

Original poster
Aloneinmanchester · 06/08/2022 12:39

Simonjt · 06/08/2022 12:30

Ah, this was us, well me, very awkward at the time, funny now. Just a bit of time really

Thank you! That gives me hope. I’m seeing him on Tuesday so I will limit it to kissing/touching for now. Hopefully that will take the pressure off a bit for him. He’s so sweet and I am really falling for him.

OP posts:
Vainandjustrealised · 06/08/2022 12:48

What a soul

If he is great in other ways and you like him be as kind and patient as you can
Lots of encouragement

I think ED is humiliating for men

The only guy I ever broke up with over this was one who had red flags otherwise. He told me the ED was my fault as I always wanted to drink wine and he felt he had to drink wine with me.

crimsonlake · 06/08/2022 12:50

At his age I would guess at performance anxiety, but it's a sensitive, tricky issue.
I am in a fairly new relationship and for the first time in my life have encountered this issue but with a much older man.
As much as I was trying to treat the problem with sensitivity, there was a lot of ' is it me?' going on. Alternating with telling myself it does not matter..we can work through this and let's see how things go.
It is almost as if discussing the issue makes the pressure even worse for your partner.
I even found myself avoiding getting intimate and as much as I was trying to convince myself that I could live without the main event so to speak it is important to me for a fulfilling sexual relationship on both sides.
Surprisingly things sprung to life last weekend on their own accord apparently and I do believe him as he had already expressed doubt about taking anything which may help improve the situation.
I am keeping my fingers crossed that we continue to have more successes.
Let's hope with a bit of time things improve for you as it is a difficult situation to navigate.

Original poster
Aloneinmanchester · 06/08/2022 12:57

It’s good to hear that things are improving for you. I think it is performance anxiety for my guy. I know the “is it me” feeling very well but I don’t think it is here - he is very attentive and always wants to see me and I can’t see him bothering with that if he didn’t find me attractive. He also told me that he’s terrified of screwing things up with us so i think he wants to make it work. I think he just struggles to relax and enjoy it and I feel awful at the thought of putting pressure on him by continuing to try to have sex. I will try to build up his confidence in other ways too and hopefully things will get moving in the right direction. He’s a great kisser and really gentle and I love kissing so I am more than happy to take things slow.

OP posts:
rumplestiltskinp · 06/08/2022 13:00

He needs to be speaking with you about why this is happening. My guess would be porn addiction, it's rife. IT can be overcome but he needs to give up porn. If it is that! Could be anything but again, he needs to communicate and work through this with you. If he's not willing to do that bin him off.

Original poster
Aloneinmanchester · 06/08/2022 13:08

I do agree that a lot of men are addicted to porn but this lack of confidence isn’t just in the bedroom. I will notice sometimes that his hands are shaking or that he looks really awkward or blushes when I talk to him. So I don’t think it’s because he’s so used to porn that he can’t get off with a real woman. I could be wrong of course but I’d be surprised in this instance.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aloneinmanchester · 06/08/2022 13:10

But I agree on the communication front. I used to be incredibly shy and socially awkward when younger so I can empathise with him. I have also been told by people that they were intimidated by me when they met me (which I find weird because I still feel socially anxious and am quite introverted). I will try to get to the bottom of things in a gentle way.

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 06/08/2022 13:25

He can find you attractive and mine is clearly very attracted and attentive to me but sometimes when it comes down to it a couple may not be sexually compatible. I am sure that is not the case here.

Original poster
Aloneinmanchester · 06/08/2022 15:02

crimsonlake · 06/08/2022 13:25

He can find you attractive and mine is clearly very attracted and attentive to me but sometimes when it comes down to it a couple may not be sexually compatible. I am sure that is not the case here.

Hopefully not! It doesn’t seem a new thing to him so I suspect it has happened in previous relationships too. He says he puts too much pressure on himself and it gets overwhelming. I am going to be really patient with him - he’s such a sweetheart and so much nicer than anyone I have been out with before.

OP posts:
DontBlameMe79 · 06/08/2022 17:04

A certain amount of patience is called for but eventually he has to perform, or it’s going to be misery.

No shame in some chemical help in my view, especially to get over the early nerves. But the harsh reality won’t go away - he knows this, hence the nerves. Good luck OP.

Original poster
Aloneinmanchester · 06/08/2022 17:18

Thank you. I will keep my fingers crossed that things progress naturally in time. You’re right that he knows that in the back of his mind and that this might be making it worse. Poor guy - I am so grateful that I am not a man.

OP posts:
Wakemeup17 · 06/08/2022 20:35

What happens when you go down on him? Or masturbate him? Does he come then?

Verbena87 · 06/08/2022 20:42

This was us too, he’d had a pretty toxic relationship then a while alone. I think there’s a stereotype that men will fuck anything and women need emotional connection to get off. Actually neither is gender specific. Time, talking, laughing together, getting secure in the relationship.

Was 15ish years ago for us. He’s the best shag of any of my partners. Still together and the sex is still good. Hope it works out for you two as well.

Original poster
Aloneinmanchester · 06/08/2022 20:49

Wakemeup17 · 06/08/2022 20:35

What happens when you go down on him? Or masturbate him? Does he come then?

So far, no. I have done both. He did get hard but couldn’t come and then said it was better to stop because he felt self-conscious. I was getting jaw ache too. He texted me afterwards to say that he had had an amazing time that evening but I wonder if he just did that to make me feel better. I will talk to him when I see him next week and hopefully we can work through it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aloneinmanchester · 06/08/2022 20:51

Verbena87 · 06/08/2022 20:42

This was us too, he’d had a pretty toxic relationship then a while alone. I think there’s a stereotype that men will fuck anything and women need emotional connection to get off. Actually neither is gender specific. Time, talking, laughing together, getting secure in the relationship.

Was 15ish years ago for us. He’s the best shag of any of my partners. Still together and the sex is still good. Hope it works out for you two as well.

Thank you so much - that gives me hope! I agree that there is a stereotype that men will shag anything which isn’t true for everyone at all. Hopefully taking the pressure off and reassuring him will help.

OP posts:
Elsiid · 06/08/2022 21:53

That sounds difficult. I hope it works out

Wakemeup17 · 07/08/2022 05:25

Aloneinmanchester · 06/08/2022 20:49

So far, no. I have done both. He did get hard but couldn’t come and then said it was better to stop because he felt self-conscious. I was getting jaw ache too. He texted me afterwards to say that he had had an amazing time that evening but I wonder if he just did that to make me feel better. I will talk to him when I see him next week and hopefully we can work through it.

Show quote history

Ok but that means it's most likely performance anxiety since physically he can get an erection. Our nervous system needs to be stimulated to get aroused but then needs to be relaxed enough for us to come. Some men need more time than others to get used to new partners. Patience and lots of time spent on laughing and bonding should help. But if the problem persists and does not get better I think a conversation is in order.

Suetodo88 · 07/08/2022 05:32

Sounds like performance anxiety. In spite of what you’ll here on hear porn use rarely causes issues like this unless they’re doing in ten times a day or something. Why should it do? Masturbation doesn’t cause ED. People here have an issue with porn so they like to believe this but it simply isn’t true.

Maybe try viagra for him? Even if it’s not ED that could get your through to a time when he’s not nervous and give him more confidence?

ManAboutTown · 07/08/2022 06:03

@Aloneinmanchester - you sound like the sort of woman any man would like to meet and I really feel for you on this.

This is a genuine problem though and will stand in the way of a successful relationship. Blokes generally do not like to talk about relationship issues and ED in particular. You clearly really like the guy so I would continue to make things relaxing and enjoy time together and see where it goes.

It isn't porn addiction that's for sure - more anxiety - and although that isn't ideal underneath it means he really does care

Original poster
Aloneinmanchester · 07/08/2022 11:33

ManAboutTown · 07/08/2022 06:03

@Aloneinmanchester - you sound like the sort of woman any man would like to meet and I really feel for you on this.

This is a genuine problem though and will stand in the way of a successful relationship. Blokes generally do not like to talk about relationship issues and ED in particular. You clearly really like the guy so I would continue to make things relaxing and enjoy time together and see where it goes.

It isn't porn addiction that's for sure - more anxiety - and although that isn't ideal underneath it means he really does care

Thank you so much. It’s useful to have a male perspective (I am assuming you are male from the username). I agree that it’s not porn addiction - I’d be so surprised if it was. I am going to say no attempts at penetration for the next month or so - just kissing/cuddling and getting to know each other’s bodies better. I do realise that it’s a problem if it doesn’t improve but I really hope that things will get better because he’s a real sweetheart ☺️

OP posts:
firsttimemom99 · 07/08/2022 11:41

Its so sweet to read this because it sounds like he’s such a sensitive guy! I’d say if you’ve waited 6 weeks before kissing, sex definitely doesn’t have to be something that’s necessary for you guys to stay getting to know each other. I would really appreciate somebody not being all about sex from the get go, despite the fact that it is based on feeling anxious etc. You obviously care about him enough to respect what he’s going through so I’d say just be patient and continue to enjoy your relationship. Good luck!