Husband left me, now wants to work through it

[Millypad]

We've been married for six years, have two little ones aged 18 months and 3. Our relationship was lovely for 4 years, but we both suffer from mental health troubles (I have been struggling with PND and undiagnosed ADHD - finally about to start meds) and he has had depression, and since lockdown/second baby was born it's not been great at all. We live in very close proximity to his family and they're our landlords too, which is something I've found difficult - not because I don't love them but because I wanted us to be our own unit and to be a bit closer to my mum and dad too. Over the past year they've made a few mentions that I need to give him more of a break with the kids etc and that he's suffering and I'm not paying enough attention to it, and then finally when he left in April, he said 'I don't want to be with you' 'tell me what you're going to change' and 'I love you, but you're bad for me' and I've been more privy to his family's concerns that I was asking too much of him in terms of work/parenting etc.

I think I didn't realise how bad my mental health had got, but because I'm kind of alone here it felt like nobody had noticed. My work is all online and freelance, and I split it with childcare, so I don't really see any grown ups and as mentioned before my family are a bit further away. But his has got really bad too, to the point where he lost loads of weight last year because he found eating tough. He has a very stressful job (teacher) too, and I know he found that difficult.

We've stayed very close because of the babies and it's clear there's still something there, so we've booked some RELATE sessions. However, I feel so hurt about how my life was upended and the hurtful things he said, and also because I seemed to be the sole recipient of the blame from everyone. How do I begin to move past this? Should I?

I would start by saying we can't move forward if everyone thinks I am to blame for everything because I am just not.

See what he says.

His family seem to be feeding into his narrative that everything is your fault. While that continues I don’t see how you can move forwards

Sounds like narcissistic behaviour to me blaming u for everything and how r u going to change. No mention of how he will change. Selfish bastard x

He is blaming you as his parents are enabling him to believe this. As your PIL are also your landlords they have you over a barrel.

It sounds like they have only heard his side of the story and not yours which is unfair. When you head to the RELATE sessions I would mention that to kick off with so the dynamic is clearly visible.

'tell me what you're going to change' is also completely the wrong attitude. You are a team so you need to be honest with other, forget the blame game, and decide what you are both going to change to turn this around.

There is no way, as a couple, you can move past it in the LT, if BOTH of you don’t take responsibility for what has happened.

Thats incl him taking into the fact he isn’t the only being ill and he can’t just be off the hook (of course his parents will say that. It doesn’t mean it’s the truth iyswim).

You are clearly wanting to give it another go. So I’d start by highlighting that. See what he says, how he reacts and if he then goes into the ‘yes but I have it worse than you’. That will tell you whether there is any chance to save that relationship.

Whether you an forgive the hurt he caused you is a complete different question. I guess again this will depend on how he reacts and if he takes some ownership of his part in the situation. But if you can’t get pass it, then you can’t. It’s ok for you to feel that way because he hurt you.

It takes two to work on a marriage and it sounds like he doesn’t believe he has anything to change. I personally would not consider reconciliation if he has that mindset. He can’t change what he won’t acknowledge.

How is your mh now, are you well enough for joint counselling?

I’m glad you are coparenting well together but that’s no guarantee that either of you can do that as a couple.

Be kind to yourself and don’t rush into anything.

Thank you all for your thoughts, it's really helpful to put it out there and hear from someone else other than my own brain 😂I do love him, hugely, but don't know how you can ever let yourself be vulnerable again after someone tells you they don't want to be with you anymore - the trust is gone! And I do have worries about how much needs to be untangled. But bleugh. Let's see.

His family sound like a large part of the problem. Of course it's natural to favour your own offspring. But they should at least make an effort to be fair to you. They are being very unreasonable adding to his blame and demands on you. Is there any way you can move away from them?

Meanwhile, is there any truth in his belief that you aren't pulling your weight? If he's a full-time teacher, you're probably doing all the daytime childcare as well as your own paid work. Before you start trying to take more of the load off him, make sure you're not taking on an impossible burden.

Can his family help with childcare to give you both a bit of a break? That would be the only benefit I can see in having them nearby.