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Long marriage sinking
4

louise020 · 06/08/2022 10:41

Hi, I'm not sure what I am asking I just need to vent I think
We've been married for 20 years, and I feel like we've just gone flat.
If I'm really very honest I'm not sure if I really like him very much any more. I'd really like this to not be the case and I really don't want to be a single parent and all that entails.
I think covid hit us hard, we were very isolated.
But now it is like there's not a lot of friendship there. We don't laugh together etc. he's more ok with it than me, keen to have sex still but I'm
Not so interested as I feel unconnected.

He's started taking antidepressants recently as I said we need to do something drastically as it was getting bad, his mood is very low and hard to live in a house like that.l, where the other person barely speaks.
So I want to give it time for this to maybe help. It's the first time he's tried this and probably should have long ago so I need to give it a chance.

Is it possible to pull it back do you think? Maybe fiend more time together, try to get something to talk about and regrow the relationship?

I'm so worried I will look back in ten years with regret.

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easylisten · 06/08/2022 12:01

Sounds like the 20 year itch to me. You both need to decide whether to plough on and work things through or go your separate ways. Single life may be a culture shock after so many years in a relationship.

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louise020 · 06/08/2022 12:10

The 20 year itch? Grin
I've heard of seven but not 20.
I've had a few itches along the way. I think some of it is pure jealousy of other peoples relationships, so I've deleted social media as it feeds my dissatisfaction. I think I need to try a bit harder to improve things, it's easy to say it's all his fault but it takes two to tango and we used to get along really well.
I'm so worried I will look back and regret my choice though. It's so hard. Kids are still young and intense so I think worth giving it a bit more time.

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sleepymum50 · 06/08/2022 12:35

Yes, it’s probably worth it. But don’t just carry on waiting for something to happen

Make a plan/strategy with objectives and a timescale.

So he’s started on antidepressants and you have to wait a while for those to kick in. Look up how long. When they work it can really help.

Loss of interest in sex can be due to a couple of things (and more). The menopause often causes a lack of libido. It’s often difficult to feel attracted to a man if he’s lazy around the house, you end up feeling like a parent not a wife.

If you are both on the same page could you go to relationship counselling. Read appropriate books together, online articles? If not, then do it on your own and take any advice where you find it.

I am currently separating from/divorcing my husband. I don’t think my situation is the same, as my husband bullies me. He admitted this once when he’d had a few drinks. He has blown hot and cold. He accepts the marriage has run its course, but still finds the need to punish and scold me for wanting to leave.

We are still in the same house. I did not think he would be so mean to me, but here we are. I knew there was no hope for us.

But if you think there is a chance, I’d say go for it. If it doesn’t work after you’ve thrown your all at it, then you can leave with a clean conscience.

Best of luck either way

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WTF475878237NC · 06/08/2022 12:38

Sleepmum50 has excellent advice. I read on here all the time how couple's "try" to make it work but often that entails just wishing things would improve with no clear action plan to make it happen.

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