Hi everyone
I am new to this but have option come here to read and relate.
To sum things up, I'm in a toxic relationship with my other half for around 15years now. Things get worse each year. The past few years have been horrendous. But I'm at the point now where I have had enough. The mental and emotional abuse is just unbearable now.
Over the years it's gotten so bad that I just don't even know or recognise myself anymore. I am completely isolated, I don't go anywhere or do anything unless I have to (food shop/stuff with the kids).
My partner has an awful and hateful personality. He can say such mean and cruel things and always has to comment on everything. It doesn't matter what it is, it's the constant need for him to comment which is always belittling me.
Things have gone to a new low now where I've just recently found out he gets our kids to lie to me. With the line of don't tell your mam because she will get mad. So long story short my kids don't tell me anything they get up to with him for the fear of not being allowed to tell me.
All the metal and emotional abuse I've just got on with it, we go through patches of it getting really bad and argue about ending it and stuff but I always feel guilty in the end, have to find some way to fix it and it just gets brushed off then. We continue on then, not exactly loving or anything but just get on with life. I know this is ridiculous but I'm just the type of person who just wants things to be good, be happy and I don't understand why it can't work out like that. I know things aren't all sweet and roses and life is tough but it's not so wrong of me to want to have some happiness and to me that is keeping the family together for the kids, I can put up with the abuse, or so I've always thought I could. But things are just getting worse now. One thing I can't tolerate is lies or being lied to. Which I now know my partner does. It is so upsetting for me because when I confront him on the lies it always end out with an argument. I'm told I don't tell you because you will just go mad. Which is true and isn't true. I only have a problem if I'm being lied to. I am an overthinker and sumize everything. I can't help that , it's just the way I am. My previous relationships made me the way I am, with cheaters and liars, what do you expect. I carry all of that into my relationship and its so hard.
The problem I have now is any time I say this isn't working out with my partner it always comes down to him saying I have to buy him out of our house, the issue here is he doesn't pay for it at all. It's all paid for by me and by pure manipulation and stupidness he does own the house with me. He pays nothing towards the kids, nothing at all. We both work full time but he is so secretive about finances. I don't ask either because I would be lied to anyways and its just not worth it.
Anyways my issue here now is I feel I have had enough, things are just getting worse to be point I spend every day crying and thinking over everything, wondering how I am in this situation and what the hell I have done with my life. 15years down the drain. And all I want is for things to be good but I know it will never happen, too much has gone on, it's gone too far to fix and the resentment is just too strong.
I have called Women's aid so many times as I've no one else to talk to. I don't like having to burden my mother with this all the time (she doesn't know everything) as I feel I'm constantly talking about it, I'm told what I need to do but then I don't do it. I can't in the end because it's like when I'm at my most emotional state all I see is anger and wanting to say just get out but then I regret it straight away and live the next few days so emotional and sad and try to patch things up again. It's like my partner knows this and that's why it gets so nasty from his part because he knows I Will end up regretting it and changing my mind and going out of my way to try fix it.
The emotional and mental abuse I've never really dealt with, until I spoke to Womens aid and a therapist before and it's only when you speak out loud and someone else hears it that you realise how bad he actually is, but I always find myself having to say it's not that bad and now I think that is because I am always trying to put the blame on myself and trying to justify his actions.
I decided to go and figure out what I need to do (legally and support wise) before I ended up saying to my partner that enough is enough now and it's best we separate. As you can imagine this is a continous cycle we have so it never goes good. Things get really nasty and it's unbearable to live with him while this happens hence why I always change my mind. He is the type where he wouldn't care, he would easily continue to live in the house, ignore each other, silent treatment with the odd few (digs) from him. And it can continue for weeks never mind days.
I just can't do it anymore but since I've decided this I am going through the motions of being scared, angry worried and regretting it and I haven't even said anything to him yet, even though its so bad right now, we aren't even speaking to one another.
He isn't the type to react to this well. It can either go two ways, constant arguing and belittling me, ignoring me, bullying me into buying him out, or he can say he isn't going anywhere unless I buy him out and even if I did do that which I would have to get a loan for it (why should I if he didn't buy the house) that can take time. If I could get the loan I wouldn't see him leaving straight away either. I didn't want to have to go down the route of getting him physically removed, involving police or court order stuff because that does make me nervous about how he will react to it and how my kids will feel as trust me he would have no issues trying to turn them against me and in his own words he will say, you started this, this is on you, you want a war you will get a war.
The emotional damage this is doing to me is so hard to put into words. I know I am being stupid and probably won't ever get over this as I've lived this way for so long, I never even want to get into another relationship, I just couldn't do this again. Even the thought of it makes me sick. I feel like this will always be what I end up with and I just don't have anything left in me to ever do this again.
I already know how this will go, the kids will be told all sorts about me, how this is my fault and so on. How I am such a bad person when I honest to god can say I am not. I go out of my way for anyone and everyone. I am always the person to help and give advice while no-one knows how things really are with me. It's so sad it's unbelievable and no one knows what he is really like, they wouldn't even believe it i could guarantee that. He is a completely different person outside the house. He can do anything and everything for anyone else,would go out of his way to even do it. But I can't even get a small bit of respect. I don't ask anything of him because I just can't deal with the drama of it all.
I find it so hard to get over the fact that all of this wouldn't be happening if he just was a little bit nicer to me. He can see the hurt he causes and how upset and broken I am which is caused by him but it doesn't phase him. His answer to it is because I'm never happy, I'm not happy with myself and that's on me. My answer to that is, this is what you have turned me into. You are destroying me and for what? All I want is to be happy and to get along like normal people.
I just don't know what to do anymore and I know what the right thing to do is but I know I won't cope with it all, I don't want to have years of stress and still being upset over it as I know people say it gets better, but I know it won't. We have kids together, it's not like I can wipe the slate clean and have him completely out of my life. I know seeing him is just going to upset me all the time. He is the type that can just get on with anything, and will go out of his way to show that also as a f u kind of thing.
I just can't understand how I've ended up here and it just kills me. What have I done to deserve this shitty existence is what I always wonder. I'm not a bad person. He would even make comments the odd time to say how I've "changed"! And all I can say is yes, I have you have made me this way and I hate it, it isn't the way I want to be and that is what kills me.
I've ended up so bitter about everything, how I can be so unhappy and miserable and he just gets on with everything, does what he wants, when he wants and has no responsibilities.
I'm due to meet with a domestic abuse clinic this week and I am already dreading it.
As soon as I open my mouth I fear that trouble will come and I honestly can't deal with that.
Thanks for listening as I don't have anyone to talk to I am that isolated and its silly but I even find talking to womens aid a bit like they are angry at him also and saying i can't put up with the abuse, bullying and narcissistic behaviour from him.