Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Domestic violence - best way to help?

9 replies

PurpleCatCuddles · 05/08/2022 23:43

Massive content warning ahead for abuse

DSis has been in an abusive relationship since 2019. I've supported her emotionally through each time she has left but she has continued to go back again. She just called me saying that he is very drunk and getting aggressive again. They're in the pub so in a public space but she's afraid to go home with him.

We are hundreds of miles away from each other. I want to do more than just listen - I want her to leave for good. What should my next steps be? I'm not sure which pub she's in as she did tell me the name but there are three in the area. I don't know if I should be phoning the police, booking her a hotel room (do they even go this late?) or speaking to her in the morning and urging her to leave.

I know that tomorrow she will have moved on and it'll be sunshine and rainbows again. I can't bear to watch the cycle repeat itself.

Any advice welcome please.

OP posts:
Danoo · 05/08/2022 23:48

Eugh... poor you. I think ask her really directly, how did that make you feel.

What got me out of it was distance. I went to my family and one of the children got chicken pox and I couldn't fly home, and then the second one got chicken pox just as we were about to fly back. I had the space to finally realise, I could build another life away.

So sneaky, go away with her for a one week holiday and then engineer missing flight home. Some will disapprove of that plan.

Maytodecember · 05/08/2022 23:50

If you call the police and they go to the pub I doubt they’d do anything if he’s just drunk, not throwing punches and the like. They’ll probably just suggest he goes home and sobers up, unless your DSis speaks out.
ive read woman leave an average of 7 times before they leave for good, not sure how accurate that is. I had a relative who never left even after he tried to kill her, she became desensitised to it.
Would she do something like the freedom program? Or at least look at the Women’s Aid website? I expect she, like my relative, minimises the abuse.

Original poster
PurpleCatCuddles · 05/08/2022 23:51

Danoo · 05/08/2022 23:48

Eugh... poor you. I think ask her really directly, how did that make you feel.

What got me out of it was distance. I went to my family and one of the children got chicken pox and I couldn't fly home, and then the second one got chicken pox just as we were about to fly back. I had the space to finally realise, I could build another life away.

So sneaky, go away with her for a one week holiday and then engineer missing flight home. Some will disapprove of that plan.

I am thinking similar but more upfront. She has always said she wants to live closer to me - we are stepsiblings so grew up apart but her father is from here. However he is holding her back.

I'm tempted to get her up for a break and then just be like, look, do you really want to go back to that life?

In the short term though... I've found out that she is at the pub that is also a hotel, so I think I'm going to pay for a room. He's now stormed off with the house keys. Arsehole.

OP posts:
Danoo · 05/08/2022 23:52

I know a lot of people are scared to be alone. But if she's literally scared to be alone with him then ask her tomorrow, as calmly as you can how could being alone be worse.
Whatever she says, just drop it then. Only ask once. The question will have been placed in her head.

Original poster
PurpleCatCuddles · 05/08/2022 23:52

Maytodecember · 05/08/2022 23:50

If you call the police and they go to the pub I doubt they’d do anything if he’s just drunk, not throwing punches and the like. They’ll probably just suggest he goes home and sobers up, unless your DSis speaks out.
ive read woman leave an average of 7 times before they leave for good, not sure how accurate that is. I had a relative who never left even after he tried to kill her, she became desensitised to it.
Would she do something like the freedom program? Or at least look at the Women’s Aid website? I expect she, like my relative, minimises the abuse.

Oh she absolutely minimises the abuse and will absolutely not speak up if the police turn up - and she'd never talk to me again. She's in deep.

I can't seem to find the women's aid website for where she lives.

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleCatCuddles · 05/08/2022 23:52

Danoo · 05/08/2022 23:52

I know a lot of people are scared to be alone. But if she's literally scared to be alone with him then ask her tomorrow, as calmly as you can how could being alone be worse.
Whatever she says, just drop it then. Only ask once. The question will have been placed in her head.

That's a good shout thank you, I'll try this.

OP posts:
Danoo · 05/08/2022 23:53

I think you sound really supportive. If you plan it really well, a mixture of really nice experiences, plus practical supports then she would know it was possible.
I wish you all the luck because it must be torture for you.

Original poster
PurpleCatCuddles · 05/08/2022 23:55

Danoo · 05/08/2022 23:53

I think you sound really supportive. If you plan it really well, a mixture of really nice experiences, plus practical supports then she would know it was possible.
I wish you all the luck because it must be torture for you.

Thank you, yes it's utterly shit. She is now the third sibling I've had to try and get out of a domestic violence situation. The worry they have all caused me over the last 7 years... jesus christ. I know it's about her but I seem to be the only somewhat stable one so they come to me and it's a lot!

OP posts:
Dartmoorcheffy · 05/08/2022 23:55

Just let her know that you are there when she's ready. It's so so hard to walk away from your life, even when you know its for the best.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page