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I feel like this is a bit controlling or weird
23

Hausfra · 05/08/2022 21:35

Me and my ex broke up a month ago. We share a child, we kept arguing and decided to take a break. Lots on, uni both working I care for a family member etc.

Anyway he brought back our child to my house whilst I was out, he still has a key and I was fine with this as he will come and get our son his stuff whilst I’m busy. Anyway I came back today and said hello, he said something along the lines of you’ve been treating yourself, or spending money or something

He gestured to my very cheap bracelet and said nice jewellery, then said something about shoes, I was wearing Birkenstocks so I was like these?!?! He said no the designer sandals upstairs in mu wardrobe (They’re not mine) I just went ohhh they’re not mine. I then said why was you up there anyway, he said oh putting stuff away… but our son’s stuff doesn’t go in my wardrobe, and all his stuff was back downstairs.


It might not be controlling but I feel like it’s weird to look, then make a comment.

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Hausfra · 05/08/2022 21:36

Maybe i’m making a big deal out of this than it is, and I want to say something just not sure what

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ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 05/08/2022 21:38

He has no right to snoop through your things. I wouldn’t let him have a key.

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MuffinMcLayLikeABundleOfHay · 05/08/2022 21:40

No you are not making a big deal. Your instincts are right, he shouldn't be looking in your wardrobe.

You need to change your locks and he needs to see his son on his own territory.

It can be a simple job to change a lock yourselves and if you post a picture of the lock people can help you to do it.

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Hausfra · 05/08/2022 21:41

Well now I want to draft a little message saying I would like it back, we have also done well so far to get on. I don’t want to rock the boat but it doesn’t even make sense why you would look through my wardrobe in the first place. Looking for another man??

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Vapeyvapevape · 05/08/2022 21:41

Take his key off him .or change the lock. He has absolutely no right to snoop through your things.

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PetalParty · 05/08/2022 21:45

This is akin to trespassing if he no longer lives there and the relationship is over. He should NOT be going through your stuff. He’s proven himself untrustworthy and you don’t know what else he might do in your house. He obviously still feels a sense of ownership over you. Definitely cintrolling behaviour.

Some people turn nasty at the end of a relationship, even if it takes some time for that to become evident. I wouldn’t be eager to find out what’s next.

Get your keys back ASAP.

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Hausfra · 05/08/2022 21:54

I can’t say he was going through my things he may have opened the wardrobe door, but still he had no need, then to pick up the shoes then to mention it to me.
I don’t get the issue anyway, maybe he thinks a man is treating me?!

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PetalParty · 05/08/2022 22:02

Usually, it’s that the former partner doesn’t want you living better than when you were with them, partner or no.

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hotfroth · 05/08/2022 22:19

I reckon he's looking for evidence either:
That you have a new bloke, or
That you are spending maintenance money on yourself and not the dc.

Whatever, he's been completely out of order and I agree with others, you need to put a stop to him coming in the house when you're not there.

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Hausfra · 05/08/2022 22:26

Ha there’s no maintenance in this situation… but yeah I sent a message saying I want the key back don’t like him looking round my house for god knows what

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WoozieFloozie · 06/08/2022 12:49

You should have asked for the key when you see him, is there any chance he could/would get a copy cut?

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Craver · 06/08/2022 12:59

I would change the locks as he may go to the trouble of getting another key cut. That way you can feel secure.

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StrangeCondition · 06/08/2022 16:28

Definitely change the locks unless the house is partly his, you can't trust him not to copy your key

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Brigante9 · 06/08/2022 18:59

I think you should change the locks.

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Natty13 · 06/08/2022 19:09

"Hi X, I'm not comfortable with you being in my house when I'm not there. Can you return my key next time you are dropping off DS. Thanks!"


No need to overthink it. Your ex not having access to your house is a normal thing and ot doesn't need any explanation. Your discomfort is enough to end this arrangement.

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RandomMess · 06/08/2022 19:14

Sounds like he was snooping looking for evidence of a new partner tbh why else even go in your bedroom?

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category12 · 06/08/2022 19:31

Why's there no maintenance money? You're going to have to start having some uncomfortable, confronting conversations at some point, unless you're doing 50/50.

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IncompleteSenten · 06/08/2022 19:38

You should change the locks. Even if he gives you your key back, you have no way of knowing if he made a copy.

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Aquamarine1029 · 06/08/2022 19:42

IncompleteSenten · 06/08/2022 19:38

You should change the locks. Even if he gives you your key back, you have no way of knowing if he made a copy.

Exactly this. Change them immediately and be sure he has put any surveillance/tracking equipment in your home or car.

It's bed enough that he was snooping, but it's really fucking creepy that he told you he was doing it.

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Aquamarine1029 · 06/08/2022 19:42

*hasn't put

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frozendaisy · 06/08/2022 19:55

Yeah he could easily get a copy cut or just refuse to give you the key back.

It's fairly straightforward to change a lock barrel just need to get one the same size etc.

You had to "explain" a pair of shoes in your wardrobe. Which is nonsense. I would say this to him as well. You are a grown woman with a child you should never have to explain any of the contents of your wardrobe to anyone.

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Chattycathydoll · 06/08/2022 20:03

My ex did exactly this. And I completely understand not wanting to rock the boat. He escalated to snooping in my diary; misunderstanding an entry and thinking he was doing childcare while I saw a man (it was a doctor’s appointment.)

Despite all my trying to keep things calm, he still screamed awful names at me in front of our four year old. I wish now I had nipped it in the bud and been formal from the first since it didn’t solve anything.

I started to relax 2 years later after moving house, and he weaponised that all over again. I would say definitely take the key back and emotionally withdraw. Be cool and calm. He’s controlling so I expect he’ll respond with manipulation/emotion again but if you can reiterate you’re doing things based on guidelines for what is best for your child, there isn’t much for him to argue with. Keep the focus on the kid and nothing else. I redirect all conversation about anything else and it’s been stable since.

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DottyLittleRainbow · 06/08/2022 20:09

Change the locks.

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