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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Leaving my husband

6 replies

littleimo · 05/08/2022 19:50

I’ve been married for 15 years, we’ve been together for 22 years, I love my husband dearly and he is a good dad to our children 13 year old and 8 year old. He works away a lot! We have had various discussions over the years regarding him working away, I have struggled with my mental health these past 5/6 years and I also have Ill parents who need caring for and I work part time, so I am run ragged some days. I have little to no support from family when he’s away, and financially most of my wages go on the children, petrol and I pay for our food when he’s away.
I’m at the stage now where I’ve realised I will never ever be my husbands main priority, he supports us financially to an extent but I need more emotional support. This I have told him more times than I can remember and he does try but after a few weeks everything just falls back into the same old ways.
Over the past 3/4 years I’ve noticed when he comes home he always seems stressed, pick at things such as the house not been clean enough, how I do certain things in the house, if I let the kids go on I pads to long. I then get it into my head he doesn’t want to be home which then affects my mental health and self esteem.
I feel guilty saying this as in comparison to other peoples lives these are only little things but over years of him nit picking at me, feeling and being alone emotionally I’m thinking I will be better off mentally on my own. My main worry is how will I manage financially, as I said before my husband pays for the main bulk of the bills, my wage as I am only part time is way less than £900 a month, I don’t no where to start if I can claim benefits if I can afford to rent somewhere or stay in our current house and pay the mortgage. I feel trapped and have no one to talk to.

OP posts:
Runaround50 · 05/08/2022 23:35

I think it might be a good idea if you went to see someone from citizens advice re what you may be able to claim benefit wise.

Is the house jointly owned?

Although your husband is supporting you financially, you don't feel supported emotionally. Maybe it's time to put the cards on the table. Either he starts supporting you more, or you split.

You may be able to claim more than you think.
There are benefits calculators such as turn2us and entitled2, which can help calculate benefits etc.

It's a tough one and only you are best placed to decide how to move forward.

I'm in a similar boat. Partner of 21 years, but at a crossroads with how to proceed (we are different people now, with probably a different outlook on life expectations etc)

Is he stressed with work? With your MH? Maybe he's struggling to cope too?

Antarcticant · 05/08/2022 23:44

Is there an option to increase your hours to full time at work?

littleimo · 06/08/2022 00:10

Yes the house is jointly owned,
He is a worrier over money and I understand he has pressure with him been the main earner in our relationship, we have spoken about it many times over the years yet he is reluctant to find a job closer to home so I could maybe do more hours or find a higher paid job.
I speak openly to him about my mental health and he says he understands and try’s his best to support me but again he’s never home to actually support me, Over the years I have said I can’t continue the way we are but then I feel so guilty that I’m ungrateful as he really is a fantastic dad and I know deep down he thinks he’s doing his best.
Thank you for your advice with citizens support I will have a look into this,
sorry to hear you are too having relationship issues, I hope you working things out and you find your happiness again wether it’s on your own or you stay together.

OP posts:
littleimo · 06/08/2022 00:15

No I have asked a few times but if I’m honest I don’t think he would stop working away even if I did.

OP posts:
plinkypots · 06/08/2022 00:27

I think I'd try couples counselling first. You're about to put yourself in a situation where you have even less support. He may find a new wife/child and your kids will get even less of him. I think everyone owes it to their kids to at least try couples counselling before throwing everyone's lives in the air.

littleimo · 06/08/2022 09:02

I’m open to try couples counselling I will speak to my husband although when he’s only home 3-5 days every 4-6 weeks I’m not sure it will help if I’m honest!

OP posts:
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