What is this about? Urge to contact him

[notsuremakes]

I was in a fairly psychologically abusive relationship with a suspected narcissist, possibly a sociopath. It ended several years ago but I unavoidably see him sometimes - maybe once or twice a year if that.from time to time, he tries to hoover me probably once every two or three years. I know he is a bad man who is bad for my mental health so I avoid him.

I've noticed that when I am under extreme stress and pressure, I have an overwhelming urge to contact him or google him or check his social media to have some kind of third hand contact. It's like it's a weird form of (self abusive) self-soothing. A knee jerk reaction. It's only when I am highly anxious or distressed.

Someone I loved very much recently passed away and I'm not coping particularly well. This feeling of wanting to see him or google stalk him has returned in an almost overwhelming way. I'm not sure what it is or what's causing it. I haven't done anything and I won't but its' a horrible feeling.

Has anyone had a similar experience? What is this about? I feel like if I knew what was causing it I could manage it better. It's almost like a comfort blanket but there would be no comfort only pain.

I suspect it's just a neural pathway you may have built up when in the relationship.

When he caused you pain in the relationship did you feel a similar desire to reach out for him to soothe the pain (that he had caused)?

If so, some of this neural pathway still exists and when you're in a similar feeling of pain it tries to do the same thing like the traces of an old broken record...

Possibly looking for some kind of acceptance from him? Feeling the need to impress him or seek some kind of validation?

What mojo says sounds about right. It’s an interesting thought and explains how I feel about my ex too.

I have wondered this having experienced similar. I have wondered when I’m hurting I almost want to hurt more?? For a time he was my safe person but it turned. I wanted to rescue him but I wanted him to rescue me. It was toxic it’s almost like a weird craving. Just my take on it. Have you considered therapy??

Trauma bonding.

I experience this too. Op you are more astute than me identifying that it's on times of stress.

I'm glad it's not just me in some weird way. not that id wish this on anyone but makes me feel less alone and less strange.

@wheresmymojo that is interesting about "when he caused you pain in the relationship did you feel a similar desire to reach out for him to soothe the pain (that he had caused)". Id not thought of this before but I think probably yes as in when he was devaluing me {for which read - telling me how awful I was as a person} I would feel a big panic and want to make him love me again or at least like me. So maybe an element of that

@Jewel7 I did have a bit of therapy after the relationship if you could call it that endied but didn't find it helped much. its interesing about maybe wanting to hurt more. its definitely a type of self harming i think. because of my bereevement Ive been wanting to drink more than normal which maybe the same kind of thing.

Im praying that he doesnt try to hoover me now because i recognize taht im super vulnerable.

its awful id got to a point of him not crossing my mind at all. then was totally consumed with grief shock and no mental space and now shock wearing off - thinking of him so much and wanting to google him. still haven't done it though and holding on to the thought that my beloved friend would not want me to that either or have anything to do with him.