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Relationships

Navigating blending/becoming a family

42 replies

TorviShieldMaiden · 05/08/2022 14:20

My DP doesn’t have dc (not through choice, he always wanted them). I have 2 dc, they are 10 and 13. We’ve been together 18months. We were careful to slowly introduce, the dc like him, we’ve don’t days out, overnights, a weekend away and just did a week holiday.

DP has struggled on occasion because as he says, he’s just not used to dc. He doesn’t feel he is able to ‘parent’ them, and finds it really hard when they are stroppy/moody/whingy as all dc are at some point on holidays 😁

We went away with another family who have dc (although mostly grown up now) and they reassured me that my dc are normal, lovely but just as whingy as all kids their age, removed from their PlayStation/Wi-Fi 😂. The weather wasn’t great either so lots of spending time in small space together.

He’s not criticising my parenting or my kids. He is trying really hard. Any advice on how we navigate this?

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MaxOverTheMoon · 06/08/2022 11:06

Sorry OP but I actually do think it's your dc behaviour rather than normal blending stresses from your updates. It's really not normal to strop off and go missing in the woods. I'd be very pissed off if I had a partner with a dc that did that.

Maybe rethink some parenting techniques and put some boundaries in place.

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luckylavender · 06/08/2022 14:16

TorviShieldMaiden · 05/08/2022 16:12

He absolutely does want them, he’s always wanted children but couldn’t have them. I’ve actually said I would understand if he wanted to walk away and he said he doesn’t. It’s just that he isn’t used to being around children and is finding it hard.

You need to put your children first. I'm not convinced he's right for them.

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TorviShieldMaiden · 06/08/2022 14:39

Perhaps you’re right. I will of course put my children first. I will also be heartbroken, I love him and it’s the best and healthiest adult relationship I’ve ever had.

I am going to address my dc behaviour, because it was particularly bad this week.

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MaxOverTheMoon · 06/08/2022 14:57

OP it's not black and white, why can't you enjoy him as a boyfriend with no immediate plans to blend.

It's great you can recognise your eldest behaviour needs addressing, some people put their heads in the sand and get defensive and it doesn't come across that you do.

Enjoy these two parts of your life and who knows what will happen in a few years.

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DeadRight · 06/08/2022 15:02

I’m not meaning to sound judgemental, but does he need to have so much interaction with your DC? Can’t you not just have a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship?

You said you’ve gone slowly, but 18 months in with lots of family days out and a holiday already doesn’t sound slow. It sound full on. He’s being expected to get on board with family life when you’re not a family, and the kids are having to share their holiday with him. I would’ve hated that at that age!

No offence meant, but it might be easier for all concerned if you scale back the whole family thing.

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Aprilx · 06/08/2022 15:08

TorviShieldMaiden · 05/08/2022 16:12

He absolutely does want them, he’s always wanted children but couldn’t have them. I’ve actually said I would understand if he wanted to walk away and he said he doesn’t. It’s just that he isn’t used to being around children and is finding it hard.

I don’t have children, I would have quite liked my own, but I absolutely would not want to have been a step parent and would not have dated a man with children. I find it odd that you think him wanting his own children is the same as wanting to be around yours. Unfortunately it could be that this is not the right relationship for either of you.

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Endlesslypatient82 · 06/08/2022 15:09

TorviShieldMaiden · 06/08/2022 14:39

Perhaps you’re right. I will of course put my children first. I will also be heartbroken, I love him and it’s the best and healthiest adult relationship I’ve ever had.

I am going to address my dc behaviour, because it was particularly bad this week.

Why can’t you just date him. Casual. Cinema, meals out etc.

Leave your children out of it
and as they develop and mature (and hopefully you are successful in managing what sounds like poor behaviour) he can be more a part of your life

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Takenoprisoner · 06/08/2022 15:10

I think you're both being extremely sensible to have these conversations now, it shows you're open with each other and realistic about the challenges ahead. Just keep talking would and take things slow.

It's so refreshing to read a thread where the couple haven't jumped in feet first and moved in together after a whirlwind romance, with no thought given to the very real challenges they will face from such an upheaval.

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Endlesslypatient82 · 06/08/2022 15:12

A camping holiday
with an autistic child
and a poorly behaved stroppy teen
18 months in
op - surely you can see how this was unlikely to be a success

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jamaisjedors · 06/08/2022 15:18

I agree with @DeadRight about scaling things back.

To compare, I have been with my boyfriend for 18months too but he hasn't yet stayed over when the dc are there (15 and 17) and I am currently on holiday just the 3 of us.

He has met the dc and is interested in their lives but I don't think it's really necessary to include him on "our" days out and every day lives.

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MrsOwainGlyndŵr · 06/08/2022 15:26

What if he took the kids out by himself now and again, so he could start to forge his own relationship with them without you being around? Would he do that?

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Endlesslypatient82 · 06/08/2022 15:28

MrsOwainGlyndŵr · 06/08/2022 15:26

What if he took the kids out by himself now and again, so he could start to forge his own relationship with them without you being around? Would he do that?

Good grief op
please don’t even suggest this and put him in the position of feeling awkward.
and also - the children aren’t “rent a kid”!

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Ginger1982 · 06/08/2022 15:31

It must be difficult for him to blend in with an already established family and to maybe understand the dynamics. Before I had DS I didn't have a clue about kids. Not the same, but I'm an only child whilst DH has siblings. I don't understand their relationship, why they say certain things to each other or act in certain ways or even understand what a persons feelings towards a sibling are just because I've never had any.

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alwaysmovingforwards · 06/08/2022 15:41

OP, do your DC want this blended family arrangement?

Understand your perspective and you BF of 18 months.. how about them?

Or is it just a case of if you guys want to be a blended family then all systems go and the teenage kids need to get onboard?

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TorviShieldMaiden · 06/08/2022 16:27

Not at all, I am considering their feelings too. I have been on holiday with just them (well with my parents as well) and he doesn’t come on all our day trips and activities.

we will scale it back a bit. I think in hindsight a week was too much at this stage, I accept that.

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Minimalme · 06/08/2022 19:49

Do you have any plans to have children together op? I think that would make me worry more.

It is hard to not find other peoples kids irritating, especially when they have reached the teen years.

DP was probably depressed and shocked at how parenting a teen is in reality!

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TorviShieldMaiden · 06/08/2022 19:56

No plans to have dc together. I’ve always been clear that I don’t want anymore and our ages mean that it would be very unlikely anyway.

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