Unable to deal with this guilt and feel evil - really need help

Rosemarytime · 2022-08-05T10:07:35+00:00

I've been with my partner for 5 years. Last year, he dumped me because we were living together and couldn't stop arguing, and he didn't want to take it further. The whole breakup was super messy and I actually found out I was pregnant a week after, to which I had a termination. I was a few days later and he was not the best through it, telling me if I had any doubt then that was non consensual because I always said I'd get an abortion before. He was moving away for work (army) and I had planned my whole life to move with him too, which ended up he went and I stayed in our hometown. So I was dealing with the breakup, termination and him moving without me. Anyway, I finally got over it months later after thinking I was literally dying with the breakup. I enjoyed being single. I loved the attention. I was 22, so I was finally able to experience "fun". I loved feeling desired and like I was actually a catch. I was out constantly with friends and just was so excited to wake up every single day. During this time, I kept in touch with DP and we weirdly came to a neutrality where we didn't argue but couldn't let go. I never actually got with anyone during this time, or even dated. Just enjoyed attention. Anyway, 6 months pass and DP asks to start seeing me again, and it's like a brand new relationship. We don't argue, it's as if it's entirely someone new. I feel different too, I don't start arguments like I did before, and I'm not anxious anymore. I feel like my self esteem and worth is back. However, during this time I was single, I used to speak to someone online in a sexual manner. It was purely fun and he used to love to buy me things, that was his "thing" and I loved being showered in gifts. During the first month of our relationship, said man got in touch and we exchanged a few sexual messages. It was 5 messages in total. Since that night, I have felt sick. This was 8+ months ago. I told him straight after I could no longer talk and I was taken. I deleted the app I used to speak with him on and never went on it again. But I deal with guilt and shame every single day, to the point I am completely obsessing over it. I feel so evil and awful, just like an inherently bad person. I don't know if I would have felt this bad during what happened previously, but I feel bad now because things are so different. I don't know what came over me, I should never have done it, but I beat myself up daily and I just feel so sick to my stomach. I have cried and cried and been on edge day after day, I've not had a break for the last 8 months from this shame.

BlueSuffragette · 05/08/2022 11:20

OP, stop and take a break from all this catastrophising.
You are back in a relationship with your DP that is going well. You didn't cheat on him. You've not slept with this other person. You just enjoyed a few brief messages and the attention from them. You have now stopped them.
Stop looking backwards and look forwards to building a lovely, happy future for yourself.
You have nothing to feel shame about. You were living your life that's all.
Just move on and enjoy every new day without looking backwards. Onwards and upwards. Have a fab time and enjoy your new relationship with DP. Good luck, you've got this. xx

Dillydollydingdong · 05/08/2022 11:22

So what exactly are you feeling so bad about? Just because you had reconnected with an Ex and still exchanging flirty messages with the other man? Oh come on, it's a bit dramatic to say you're evil. It was maybe a bit naughty (maybe not!) There's no guarantee you'll stay with the Ex anyway! Stop beating yourself up!

Original poster

Rosemarytime · 05/08/2022 11:52

BlueSuffragette · 05/08/2022 11:20

OP, stop and take a break from all this catastrophising.
You are back in a relationship with your DP that is going well. You didn't cheat on him. You've not slept with this other person. You just enjoyed a few brief messages and the attention from them. You have now stopped them.
Stop looking backwards and look forwards to building a lovely, happy future for yourself.
You have nothing to feel shame about. You were living your life that's all.
Just move on and enjoy every new day without looking backwards. Onwards and upwards. Have a fab time and enjoy your new relationship with DP. Good luck, you've got this. xx

Thank you @BlueSuffragette. I really appreciate it. You wouldn't say it was cheating even tho I was back with my ex? I just feel so awful. Like I could have potentially threw away everything I have now over something so small and silly. Anytime I speak with DP's friends or anyone who knows us both, I just shy away because I feel like they know I did this (DP obviously doesn't know) but it's not even possible. The guy is overseas miles away and doesn't know much about me, plus I'm super private on social media. I just feel horrendous x

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Original poster

Rosemarytime · 05/08/2022 11:53

Dillydollydingdong · 05/08/2022 11:22

So what exactly are you feeling so bad about? Just because you had reconnected with an Ex and still exchanging flirty messages with the other man? Oh come on, it's a bit dramatic to say you're evil. It was maybe a bit naughty (maybe not!) There's no guarantee you'll stay with the Ex anyway! Stop beating yourself up!

It was sexting, which I feel awful about! I just didn't want to say no, and as stupid as it is, in the back of my head I was worried maybe the guy would ask for the things/money he spent on me back and I didn't want any drama. I just went along with it, had about 5 mins of confidence and then felt physically sick. I just feel horrendous x

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Hadalifeonce · 05/08/2022 11:57

You have done absolutely nothing wrong. You stopped communicating with this person when you got back together with your ex.
I really cannot fathom why you think you are evil, you are not. You were young, single and having a good time, exactly as other young, single people do.

Original poster

Rosemarytime · 05/08/2022 12:00

Hadalifeonce · 05/08/2022 11:57

You have done absolutely nothing wrong. You stopped communicating with this person when you got back together with your ex.
I really cannot fathom why you think you are evil, you are not. You were young, single and having a good time, exactly as other young, single people do.

I think maybe I've worded my post wrong. I sexted the same individual a month into being back together with my ex. So I know to some degree I have :(

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BeenthereGotTee · 05/08/2022 12:06

Forget about it - you had no idea whether your partner was back to stay or was going to dump you again. It happened. I thought it was going to be the termination you were going to talk about. Were you both in agreement about that?

cestlavielife · 05/08/2022 12:09

You are 23 or 22?
You were with your current dp from 16 to 21? That is very young
We all do crap things when young
See a counsellor for your self esteem

Original poster

Rosemarytime · 05/08/2022 12:20

BeenthereGotTee · 05/08/2022 12:06

Forget about it - you had no idea whether your partner was back to stay or was going to dump you again. It happened. I thought it was going to be the termination you were going to talk about. Were you both in agreement about that?

@BeenthereGotTee the first day I found out, I had a bit of a moment where I was thinking maybe I didn't want to. I communicated this to him and flew off the handle, saying he would never have engaged in anything if he knew that was ever a possibility, because I always said I'd get an abortion should I fall pregnant while being young as we both have careers. He said that this was essentially me holding this against him and it was non consensual, and using it as a weapon. I in the end decided to have one, and to this day I don't regret it, because I was not in any position to bring a child into this world

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Original poster

Rosemarytime · 05/08/2022 12:21

cestlavielife · 05/08/2022 12:09

You are 23 or 22?
You were with your current dp from 16 to 21? That is very young
We all do crap things when young
See a counsellor for your self esteem

23, 5 years in total on and off

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ChloeKellyIsAnIcon · 05/08/2022 12:26

OP, what you've done isn't that bad and not worth the level of guilt you are feeling.

I've been with my DH for 25 years, but a month or two after we got together I kissed my ex-boyfriend. I've never cheated on DH in the last 25 years. I think what you do in the first few weeks of a relationship, before you know it's going to turn into something serious, doesn't really count!

Give yourself a break, forgive yourself and move on.

Original poster

Rosemarytime · 05/08/2022 12:36

ChloeKellyIsAnIcon · 05/08/2022 12:26

OP, what you've done isn't that bad and not worth the level of guilt you are feeling.

I've been with my DH for 25 years, but a month or two after we got together I kissed my ex-boyfriend. I've never cheated on DH in the last 25 years. I think what you do in the first few weeks of a relationship, before you know it's going to turn into something serious, doesn't really count!

Give yourself a break, forgive yourself and move on.

That makes sense. Did you ever feel guilty or worry he'd find out? It's overrulint my life :(

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Whatsonmymindgrapes · 05/08/2022 12:37

@Rosemarytime You’ve posted about this before haven’t you? Didn’t he pressure you into an abortion because you’d said before you’d get one? If your the poster I’m thinking of your Dp doesn’t sound great. I don’t think you have anything to dee guilty about…you’re not evil!

GreenManalishi · 05/08/2022 12:38

You say your self esteem and worth is "back" yet at the same time you feel like an inherantly bad person, you're obsessed, you feel evil and awful.

The two don't stack up, I'd seek some counselling for what you've been through and give yourself a break. You are not evil or awful for sending and receiving some text messages, it's just not the case. See if you can find out why this is affecting you so badly, get some help with this.

Take it easy on yourself.

Original poster

Rosemarytime · 05/08/2022 12:38

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 05/08/2022 12:37

@Rosemarytime You’ve posted about this before haven’t you? Didn’t he pressure you into an abortion because you’d said before you’d get one? If your the poster I’m thinking of your Dp doesn’t sound great. I don’t think you have anything to dee guilty about…you’re not evil!

@Whatsonmymindgrapes not me! I've been a long time lurker but never posted about a termination, I kinda bottled it up and never discussed it, but it sounds very similar!

I keep trying to remind myself that maybe I should take into account everything that happened previously and try and not feel as guilty, but it never works

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Musti · 05/08/2022 13:00

I am not sure being in this relationship is healthy. You were very young when you started with him and haven’t had a chance to live and grow up.

But you shouldn’t feel guilty. Whilst not great it was a one off and you were probably unsure of your relationship and maybe wanted to keep your options open.

Original poster

Rosemarytime · 05/08/2022 13:13

Musti · 05/08/2022 13:00

I am not sure being in this relationship is healthy. You were very young when you started with him and haven’t had a chance to live and grow up.

But you shouldn’t feel guilty. Whilst not great it was a one off and you were probably unsure of your relationship and maybe wanted to keep your options open.

Second paragraph is definitely true! I was waiting and waiting for the end to happen again.

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BlueSuffragette · 05/08/2022 13:55

OP, you need to move on from torturing yourself with this. It's nowhere near as bad as you think. The person you were in contact with has long since gone and moved on. Time you did the same. Life is too short to be stressing and miserable. Let tomorrow be a new start, the first day of the rest of your life. Enjoy it xx

Original poster

Rosemarytime · 05/08/2022 14:41

BlueSuffragette · 05/08/2022 13:55

OP, you need to move on from torturing yourself with this. It's nowhere near as bad as you think. The person you were in contact with has long since gone and moved on. Time you did the same. Life is too short to be stressing and miserable. Let tomorrow be a new start, the first day of the rest of your life. Enjoy it xx

@BlueSuffragette I hope so too. I found out shortly after that he had a girlfriend (who knows how long for), I didn't know this in the slightest as he kept it hidden and one day I was scrolling and noticed it on someone he follows profile. When I last checked, they had broken up and I started to spiral so much that it was my fault. My friends pointed out how many pornstars, models, only fans etc he followed so clearly I wasn't the only person he was talking to as he followed tons of girls. I kept thinking maybe he would randomly message someone off my list and it would be fed back to DP, I have only one person on my following out of hundreds who knows DP. I know he would never say anything now, but worried he had already maybe told a friend of mine and they've not said anything :(

We are in different continents and my friends have swore on everything it's almost impossible for him to do and he doesn't seem the type, but my guilt is making me feel awful like my brain will magically make it happen x

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Original poster

Rosemarytime · 05/08/2022 18:41

GreenManalishi · 05/08/2022 12:38

You say your self esteem and worth is "back" yet at the same time you feel like an inherantly bad person, you're obsessed, you feel evil and awful.

The two don't stack up, I'd seek some counselling for what you've been through and give yourself a break. You are not evil or awful for sending and receiving some text messages, it's just not the case. See if you can find out why this is affecting you so badly, get some help with this.

Take it easy on yourself.

I appreciate this and agree, I clearly have more work to do. Thank you x

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