Is my boyfriend gay?

[Toffeepieandcream]

I have been datin a man that I'm really keen on for couple of months. We get on brilliantly so far, he seems kind, funny and the sex is fabulous. He was married for many years but got divorced two years ago. He told me recently that he had a fling with a man when they were young - 18 ish. He described it as 'just a fumble' but blow jobs were involved, touching and kissing. He says a lot of men do it when young and he was just trying it out.

I'm not homophobic and very much welcome men and women being able to explore their sexuality and not feel the need to conform to strict 'rules' any more. However, I'm wondering if this man might be gay and just not admitting it to himself. Basically, I don't want to get hurt.

What do people think? Could he be in denial? Do a lot of men experiment when young? He says he is not attracted to men at all and only did this the once (30 years ago). He seems very attracted to me and had a fair few heterosexual relationships before his marriage. As far as I can tell, his marriage was monogamous.

Isn't it more likely he's bi?

None of us can really answer this question for you I'm afraid OP. If you have reason to think he's lying to you (he's categorically told you he's not gay) or lying to himself then I'm afraid you'll have to end it. But really, unless you have a reason not to trust him then personally I'd see where it takes you.

I don't understand why you'd think he was gay if you feel he is physically/sexually attracted to you. Perhaps he's bisexual, but does that matter to you? If so, why?

It never appealed to me at all but I suspect more men have tried than care to admit it. Sexuality is supposed to be a spectrum ranging from exclusively straight to exclusively gay and sounds like he is a little way from the former without being anywhere near the latter. From your post I am in no doubt he isn't gay. Might be a bit bi but this is decades ago and there is nothing in his relationship history to suggest he pursues it,

It's odd that he told you so soon in your relationship (if I were him I would keep quiet about it full stop) but given everything else seems to be going so well I would put it to one side unless something else arouses your suspicion

Yes, you're both right...I mean Bi. It only matters because I'm scared of investing and him then being attracted to someone else and leaving me! I know he could.do this with a woman but it kind of increases the chances if he's attracted to men, too. I am actually a very confident woman and feel attractive...I knownuts not sounding like that. but I like this guy, it doesn't happen often and I want to know really if people.think a lot of men do experiment with other men. My experience, and I know a lot of gay and bi people, is that they are open about their sexuality and always knew they were gay or bi. The straight men I know, largely, do t seem to have been qorh other men. My professik means that sex is discussed a LOT, by the way, hence the conversations on the subject :-)

Thanks, @ManAboutTown , that seems reassuring. You're probably right @ Laquilla, I need to stop stressing and see where it goes.

Nothing in this post screams 'I am a confident woman'

It's a bit grim to imply that bi people can't be trusted in monogamous relationships. He's been open with you about his sexual history and that should be enough.

As the fabulous Kathy Burke famously said... "most men would fuck a ham sandwich".

What?!

OP, you've asked him and he's told you. Why do you think we'd know better? Why don't you trust him to tell you about his own feelings? It's not going to be a very healthy relationship if he tells you how he feels, and you refuse to believe him because of your own insecurities.

What?!

Why do you feel you can speak for most bisexual women? What the hell would you know about their feelings? Or are you just basing this on some bisexual women you've met personally, who didn't fancy you much?

Sorry OP, but your next message smacks of biphobia. I get this all the bloody time and it drives me up the wall! So because someone is bisexual (not that your dp actually is) they're more likely to become restless, find someone new or cheat, simply because they're attracted to both sexes?

People need to stop saying that like it's a numbers game. Yes, I'm attracted to both sexes, but I'm very picky with the kind of person I actually find attractive. You could have a heterosexual person who is easily attracted to multiple opposite sex people. It varies person to person. It has nothing to do with sexuality.

You think one teenage same sex fumble is likely to reflect his preferences more than many, many adult years of opposite-sex relationships?

Experimenting is fairly normal so is being experimental but knowing you're straight. He may also be bi. But he's with you

Who cares if he can feel sexually attracted to men as well as women? He’s attracted to YOU.

Geez, when my son talked about biphobia I thought he was being melodramatic. Bisexuality doesn’t mean we have to find men and women attractive, just that we could.

There’s a couple of really wierd posts here!! Lol😂
Just because a person is bisexual doesn’t mean they can’t be faithful!
where on earth do some people get their ideas from?!?!

Being bisexual doesn’t increase the likelihood somebody is going to cheat. Either somebody wants to be in a monogamous relationship or they don’t. Either somebody is trustworthy enough to be honest about whether they want monogamy within a relationship or they’re not.

If this man has it in him to cheat he will probably cheat regardless of whether he is bisexual or not. If he is trustworthy and wants to be in a monogamous relationship he will be trustworthy regardless of whether he is bisexual or not. It’s prejudiced to think bisexual people are more likely to cheat or lie in relationships than anybody else.

It doesn’t sound like this man has done anything to make you think he would be untrustworthy or a cheat within a relationship. If he’s been open about this fling with a man I’d also assume he’s telling the truth when he says it was just the once as if he was trying to hide the fact he is still interested in dating men he likely wouldn’t have told you about the fling. It might be that he was just experimenting and is straight or it might be that he is bisexual or something else. Sexuality isn’t binary or black and white, bisexual isn’t always 50/50, it might be he is mostly attracted to women but that he can be attracted to men in some circumstances or was in the past but isn’t now. Ultimately though it shouldn’t really matter, the important thing is whether he is looking to be in a monogamous relationship and can be trusted not to cheat - the same things that would be important with any partner.

He might be bi but that isn't going to make him more likely to cheat.

If a straight guy might find maybe 4 out of 10 women attractive, a bi guy might find 4 out of ten people attractive, they just happen to be men and women.
It doesn't automatically correlate to a larger number of people even if there is theoretically more options. He may be pickier in other ways.

And none of that makes him more or less likely to cheat in a relationship- shitty people are shitty people and their sexuality does not make a diffence to that

oh look mumsnet and bisexual stereotypes