I’ll start off by saying I never thought I’d be in this position.
When you hear of women splitting from their partners because they feel lonely in a relationship and are happier living alone, I never understood it, my view was that if you’re not leaving for another person and it’s just a case of you both living quite separate lives, you might as well still be together right?
How wrong was I…..
To start me and my husband have been rocky since 6 days after giving birth. I had a very traumatic birth that ended in an emergency C-Section and out of the blue 6 days after giving birth, still in pain and medicated to the eyeballs I get shouted at and hurled abuse for over 3 hours, told I’m moping around and crying too much (I had a bad case of the baby blues after the experience) I should stop sitting on my arse, I didn’t thank him enough for everything he’s been doing around the house and I never appreciated just how hard it was for him during the 3 days it took to give birth, all I’m bothered about is the baby and I’m already ostracising him from myself and the baby. WTAF?
On top of that I was told he’ll stay off work for 2 weeks to stay with me and the baby, instead he went back to work 3 days after we got home.
He did call the next morning to apologise profusely and said I didn’t deserve any of that, but that still didn’t stop him from going back to work though.
Since that point it hadn’t really got any better until 3 months later when we had an enormous fight that turned physical. Long and short of it is, he came home from work with nothing good to say, trying to start a fight for over an hour, I finally snap, he hits me and I hit back, hard, giving him two black eyes.
I do not condone this and have apologised again and again for what I did but he doesn’t seem to grasp the fact that if you start fights and come out worse off, don’t start them in the first place. Since that point however, he’s absolved himself of any responsibility and instead focussed on the fact I have injured him, throwing it up in my face at every opportunity.
Since that point he has been more distant than ever. Not just from me but from the baby too, he doesn’t show her much interest at all and it feels like a real struggle to get him to be a ‘part of our family’ if you get my meaning.
He hardly talks to me about anything, doesn’t involve me in anything he does unless I make the effort to get involved in his hobbies and comes home spending more time either watching telly or on his phone.
We had a blazing argument the other night to which I said I want to sit down and lay the cards on the table, no BS just honest thoughts about each other as without that we can’t move forward.
He eventually told me he doesn’t have really any regard for my feelings, when he’s not at home I don’t even cross his mind and when I try and involve him with the baby he feels like I’m being fake. I can’t tell you how much that all broke my heart to hear that.
Before the baby I thought we had a fantastic relationship, loving, caring and overall made a great couple and team, but apparently his regard for my feelings and lack of presence in his mind started years ago, again completely heartbreaking to hear, especially as after my first miscarriage he was the one to suggest trying for a baby again, it’s not like I had to convince him about the idea.
Another problem in our relationship is his relationship with his sister-in-law. They talk and message all the time, with him telling her about our relationship problems as well as just keeping in touch about life. I have raised that I find this disrespectful but his answer is that she is his friend and brothers wife who has been in his family as long as I have so it is not a problem in his eyes. What my real issue is that if I don’t cross his mind when he’s not at home (and presumably not the baby either as we both come together) then how is it so easy to think of her and take the time to message her but not me? This includes day to day things that he doesn’t even talk to me about or show me at times. Since that argument he has changed his password on his phone because he doesn’t want me to go snooping through and overreacting to innocent messages.
He says he loves me and wants to work things out but I can see and feel the resentment in him and it’s eating him up.
We have been together since we were teenagers and are now in our 30s so we have been through a lot together but in all this time I have never felt like such a stranger to him.
I listened to a song from years ago that we labelled as one of our songs and it reminded me of so many good memories and how good it was between us that it made me cry like a baby and instantly knew I wanted to make it work no matter what had happened. Although a few days later I’m feeling like it can’t ever be like that again as I feel he has changed so much and his resentment towards me will always get in the way.
I did tell him about the song but it didn’t seem to trigger any emotion in him at all.
The only thing that seems to be good between us is the sex which is so confusing for me because if we can connect on that level then why can’t we on any other?
I want to try and do nice things for him so that he still feels wanted but at the same time I’m struggling within myself to fully commit to doing that as I am so, so hurt over what has been said so it’s like a stalemate.
I did also recommend going to couples counselling but that was a flat no, absolutely no budging on that one, not even for the sake of the baby.
Sorry for the long post, but if anyone else has been in even a remotely similar situation that can give me some guidance I’d appreciate it xxx