Relationship pondering. Not sure what to think.

[ViewFromMyWindow]

A bit of background for context...

I'm late 40s and in my first 'proper' relationship. I've dated throughout my life but I've always ended things by about 6 months for various reasons. When I was younger, it was because I felt things had run their course and I didn't believe I was loveable so there wasn't any point in sticking around for longer. In more recent years, it because I had seen red flags/dropped masks and have spent so long on my own that I wasn't going to risk my peace of mind and security for anything that didn't enhance my life.

Between 26 and 37 I was in a 'pseudo relationship' with my best friend (male) from school. I say pseudo because we (eventually) lived together and had a child together (I already had one) but we didn't fancy each other, didn't love each other beyond platonically, and our relationship was almost entirely sexless (measured in many years rather than months of no sex). We were, and still are, respectful of and towards each other and co-parent brilliantly. The children are now 23 and 17.

So, in real terms, my current relationship is my first 'proper' relationship. Full of firsts (for me) and he is absolutely lovely. We have been together for 9 months.

But I'm having thoughts and feelings I don't know how to process.

I'll not list them all but these are the main ones playing on my mind at the moment.

He has loved and been loved before. He is very good at being in a relationship having had 2 long term (20 years and 10 years) before me. I'm glad about that but sad that I don't have any of my own which makes me feel inadequate and wondering what I actually bring to a relationship.

He has loads of photos on fb of his previous (10 year) relationship - right from the start and has only put one of him with me on there. I can't help but wonder why. My experience has been that other men didn't because they were embarrassed by me, or there was a woman/women who they wanted to think they were still single. I don't think either of those apply...

I just don't know what a relationship looks like or what the sex should be like after 9 months. I worry about that too. In my previous flings, the sex had pretty much dried up by about 3 months. I've no experience of sex in a long term relationship. For me, sex has always been scratching an itch rather than a way to bond/express love etc. Perfunctory and without love.

Just lots of little things that are firsts. If we go out, he stands by me, strokes my hair, kisses me and tells me he loves me; every now and again, he brings me flowers; when I go round, he has often bought in things he knows I like; this morning, we woke up together and he snuggled up behind me and held me, as usual, and I realised that no one had ever done that before. All the lovely little things that are probably a normal part of a relationship are just so alien to me and it makes me a little sad that I'm only experiencing them now for the first time.

I'm not a jealous person but I do feel sad and inadequate about things. I wonder how I compare to his exes as a girlfriend/partner, whether there's more I should be doing.

I just don't know what a relationship looks like or what the sex should be like after 9 months

Which authority do you think decides what should be happening? This is a genuine question; can you name who it is? (it is one specific person)

Comparison is the thief of joy. Enjoy it, these are the days.

No. And obviously, I understand what you're getting at but I have no relationship dos and don't (apart from the obvious) to draw on, no experience at all really. It's been me, myself and I (and my children, obviously) for such a long time.

Even when I've been dating, I've regarded, and referred to, myself as single.

I think getting used to someone else being there for me is odd as much as anything.

I know. But it doesn't help.

The point is that the 'dos and don'ts' are your own feelings. They are the authority here. You don't need experience to deduce whether or not you like something. You don't need relationship experience to decide if something makes you feel good.

In fact, if a person's experience tells them that it's normal to 'x/y/z', then they might put up with their partner doing it, even if they don't like it. For instance, if you had a rat phobia, you might make your life hell by living with a partner who had pet rats, because there's nothing wrong with having pet rats. Your preference would be what stopped you. Your knowledge and experience of yourself.

If you wonder if there's more he'd like you to be doing, ask him. I regularly do this with my partner, 'Just wanted to check there's nothing on your mind, you're not carrying any worries around with you..?' If you don't know what you bring to the relationship, ask him. If you feel insecure regarding his exes and it seems like he's got a lot of photos of them up, tell him how you feel. A relationship is 2 people relating to each other, not a bunch of tips and tricks about how to 'get it right'. Find out how he feels. Let him know how you feel. Be straightforward, be clear and honest, be you. That's it.

OP, I have two long term relationships prior to my current one. I didn’t know initially how to behave in this relationship or how I compared to my DPs exes. And that’s ok. Because it’s a very different relationship with a very different person, and it was starting over again and learning by trial and error what OUR relationship should look like. He liked me for being me, not for trying to be someone else.

Several years down the line and I’ve realised we now have our own little habits, sayings and rituals that grew naturally that I never did with other people. Don’t (over)think about it too much and try to relax in to the first joy of “finding your feet” in the relationship.