He won’t be there and it’s breaking me, not slept a wink

[Brikemye]

Hi, I posted a couple of months ago on the same thing, hope it’s ok to post again, im feeling so low and sad.

my Due date is in two weeks. Around 11 weeks ago DP left me. We’d been arguing but after counselling (mine), chats with very honest friends and family, all have said that his response has been extreme. He didn’t say he wanted nothing to do with the baby, in fact he didn’t mention them at all, but hes not replied to any of my attempts to contact him since. I suggested talking, meeting to chat, asked him which names he liked, it all went unanswered. After a few weeks I gave up. People around me said he’d get in touch and come to his senses at least concerning our baby and his involvement, but he hasn’t. I text last weekend to remind him of due date and said I will text to update him and he’s welcome to be the first person there afterwards. Still no reply.

I just saw another post on FB with a birth announcement and they’re all there together, the norm. I just can’t believe he hasn’t been in touch or even wants to be there.

He works long hours and is very career focused but outside work has limited social contact and his family are (even in his words) very dysfunctional. They have not been in touch either and seem like they have no intention of ever being.

i think I was always less confident that he would get in touch than others around me were, mainly because he is quite socially awkward and he is good at diving into work and forgetting anything else exists. This is a man who told me having a baby was the thing he wanted most in life and that he had always wished for it. I know on some level he is sentimental and loving and the absolute cut off I can’t understand. The only relevant factor was he was due for a huge promotion this month, biggest in his career that will ever happen and he will definitely be obsessing over that. There’s no other woman and no other kids so no other distraction for him.

I had to order baby things online as I was so sad about doing it all alone. I have a friend to be with me in a couple of weeks but I just cannot get my head around why he would do this. It’s been so long now and honestly, had you said ‘who out of everyone you know would want nothing to do with their baby’ he would genuinely have been so low down the list! I know it can be any man who does it but genuinely i cannot understand it at all. Neither of us are young and of course a man in his 40s can go on to have kids whenever but it’s still unusual I think at this age to do this compared with say 25.

just feeling sad and want to cave and call him, I just want him to know his son. It all seems so sad.

I am really sorry you are going through this, he is behaving appalingly and you and your baby deserve better. Did something trigger his leaving or did it come out of the blue (other than the arguing)?

I'm sure others will be along shortly with good advice but I would say focus on ensuring you have an alternative support network around you for when the baby comes - it is good you have a friend for the birth but reach out to other friends/family too so you are not on your own. Burying himself in his work is no excuse, he has shown here he can't be relied upon at a time when he should be stepping up. I am really angry at him on your behalf! x

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I think that you should forget about him. The baby needs a parent that is willing to be there in hard times too, and he isn't. He is useless for your child and better that he distances himself now than in a few years which will break your babies heart. The baby has you, and that's all it needs: a loving parent that will be for them regardless. Please don't beg him in any way to be part of your childs life, because he will only end up hurting them.

Many women go through this. It is shit to realise that you will parent alone, but you can absolutely do this.

Take care

I too am sorry this is happening to you. Awful behaviour from him. Awful.

But...

This is who he is. And he doesn't want to be involved, upsetting as it is for you. There is nothing you can do to change his mind. You HAVE to ignore him and accept this.

Give yourself 15 mins a day at a specific time (mine was 5pm) to think about him. By that I mean, when thoughts of 'what might have been', longing and sadness pop into your head, think "nope, not now - will make me too sad, I'll get back to that in my 5pm slot'. At that time, you can wallow for 15 glorious mins but come Day 6, you find you can't be arsed! You're too busy with other stuff!

I was AMAZED how well it works! Combined with No Contact (delete all - ALL - emails, texts, his number etc), you realise you are over the ex waaay more quickly.

Plus, you're gonna get ALL the baby love and he's gonna get none.

You win!

I know you think you can't delete his number or email because 'baby' but he doesn't want to know. Hard as that is. You need to protect yourself and he'll find a way to contact you if he needs to.

Thanks @TrueNorthernBird @fairycakesarefr33 @stayinghometoday

finding it all so so hard :( I agree just stepping away is best. Thinking of what it ‘should’ be is just absolutely heartbreaking. I really loved him and can’t believe he’s ever have done this to us.

Gosh that's so hard. How dare he behave that way! It's so unfair on you and your baby. The idea of only 15 minutes per day thinking about it is good.

You said he has a dysfunctional family - is it possible that something in his childhood/background is now rearing up and causing his behaviour? It's so abnormal and sounds like it's out of character. It is NOT an excuse for his appalling behaviour but perhaps there are very deep rooted reasons for his running away and hiding in his work?

Anyway you need to focus on yourself and your baby. Good luck for the birth and beyond. You can do this!

I’m annoyed for you. Obviously your hurting and wanting him to be involved for your child’s sake. But I would be tempted to stop contacting him. Why should you do all the chasing. Maybe you need to stop contacting him then he will start to wonder if all is ok etc. Then he might step up. Or at least start to act interested. Some people panick and run when life gets to much maybe he isn’t emotionally secure enough to adult. I’m sorry your going through this.

I had this happen to me when I was just 19 years old. The resilience I had to find to get through the absolute heartbreak has continued to serve me well in life, and honestly, if you can get through this you can get through anything. My baby is now 24 🤣 His dad never changed. Get on with building your life.

Honestly my love, you're about to feel the most intense love for someone you couldn't ever have imagined: your new baby.
He will quickly fade in comparison with how you feel compared to your baby.
Then you'll be furious (rightly so) if he doesn't treat your child the way they absolutely deserve. You won't long for him.
He of course risks never feeling that love and that is very much his loss.
Good for your new baby

Dreadful, disgusting behaviour on his part. What must that look like to people who know he got someone pregnant? Awful.

Great advice on here.

try and move on with your life, you don’t need him, can you imagine if he came back then did this again when your baby is 5/6. Would be heartbreaking for you and your child.

concentrate on your wonderful baby, the close relationship you will both have together.

he is a twat for doing this to you, I am so sorry you are going through this. This should be a happy time in your life and he has spoiled that for you. How dare he be so utterly selfish x

@HailAdrian he has deactivated all social media (strangely hasn’t blocked me which he may as well have done). So only one of friends knows and none of his colleagues. @Workinghardeveryday @WeakAsIAm im so sad/confused/lost. We did argue but had a whole relationship prior to this that he clearly cares very little about. I was so in love with him but can’t say any of this, can’t chat, can’t at least be civil when he’s ignored me. I’ve found the pregnancy so stressful and he will know that. I genuinely don’t know how anyone can be so cruel no matter what was said in the heat of the moment. I could never cut him off in this way, I’d at least have spoken. He manages at top level for a massive charity and on good money, v well presented, people think he’s just great. It’s hard for me to get my head around.

Very distressing for you OP.

He is a nasty bastard. No one can be sure they will stay in love or in a relationship, but to abandon a baby is low.

Actually I find it quite suspicious that he has deactivated all his SM, and I wonder what he is not sharing about his life.

But no point in speculating. The bottom line is you have no control over his choices, and need to replace ‘what might have been’ with ‘what is’ … and in time, the joy in your baby will bring great satisfaction with that. A happy single Mum rather than constant arguing.

Would continuing your counselling help?

Also: good that he got promotion, should help with the CSA claim!

Sounds like you're well shot if that's his attitude.
Personally I'd be taking the bill by the horns, have your baby, build a wonderful life together and screw him. Get your money from him so your child is cares for then build your own career and life with your new baby
Good luck but show him and prove to him he's missed out ... honestly he's just scum

@SuperCamp There’s no other woman, at least 99.9999 sure. The going off social media is his privacy thing and not wanting this to be public as I expect he’s on one level embarrassed. Not enough to do the right thing though.

I just feel so hurt and sad. I keep going over the relationship wondering what I said that was so terrible but he seems oblivious to how he was behaving that led me to such a fragile mental state. I was in hospital for 24 hours early on and got distressed about the drip going in, when we came out he said ‘you really didn’t need to be so dramatic you know.’ It was just things like that all the time, hiding his profile photo settings of us to the public etc. Just odd behaviour that he’d never displayed before and I got very very upset about it - too much so looking back m. It points to an affair but as I say due to friendship set up I know that’s not what it is.

@custardbear i have moments of feeling like that then suddenly panic and think but how has this happened? Why is he being so cruel? These thoughts go round and round. It’s so hard.

Bloody hell! I'd be so tempted to go to the building of this charity with my big pregnant bump and make sure all his colleagues were aware of his impending baby!

He sounds so cold. I guess it's hard to move on without closure, but you will move on and you will be great.

I think we feel really vulnerable when we're pregnant, but once baby is here you won't have the energy for any shit and you will be competent and confident in your own abilities to do this.

@Darkness22 ive had so many thoughts like that, but it’s not a good idea is it? I don’t know anymore. Id be doing it out of anger and then I think if he personally thinks it’s ok to be like this then what does it achieve by trying to get him to speak through other means. I am just lost as to how someone can do this, to not even ask if we are ok days before birth. Just so sad.

Does he live near you? can you go and see him to talk?

You would probably resent him now anyway if you did get back together.

Best to be practical and get in touch with him in person and talk practicalities of maintenance ect.

I would be going to his work place

he is responsible for your situation hugely

don’t just allow him to walk away

at least if you confront him you’ll get some sort of abswer

ir why not go to his house?

I would suggest contacting him to discuss what is going to happen - sounds like he needs a reality check and seeing you might be what he needs. He doesn't get to walk away, he's forever entwined in your life

@tempester28 @Quitelikeit @gogohmm i agree but what can I do? He’s not that far away but I don’t think that will help to be honest…. He HAS walked away hasn’t he? That’s the thing.

When you say he can’t just get away with it, what can I do? It seems clear so far he has no intention of being a dad. Not sure what else I can do?

you should go to his house seeing you might trigger something in him

don’t make it too easy for him to walk away

i know men do this when they don’t want a child and the mother refuses to have an abortion- this is very callous I know but did he ever ask you to have an abortion? Say he wasn’t ready to be a parent etc?

@Quitelikeit no the only thing I remember is him saying one time ‘I don’t know if I’m the sort of person to be a dad.’

it was really weird as prior to being pregnant he would often be in the car or walking or something and say how great kids would be and we’d be great etc. He even said once if it happened with a one night stand then he’d ‘get on with it’ due to his age! So I had no reason to think he would slink off like this.

i haven’t been in touch for a few weeks but before that I was asking him to talk etc. My messages all deliver but I’ve no idea if he ever read them.

It’s been mentally torturous. I think I would have preferred him to have said clearly he didn’t want to see me or the baby ever again and then it would be clear. The silence has almost felt like abuse.

Right, two things I’ve learned in life ( I am old)

1. The word ‘should’ is incredibly damaging. Try and stop using it
2. Some people are just assholes. You can’t always work out why and you will twist yourself in knots trying to. You need that energy for you and your baby

If you can afford to go it alone financially, just wipe this despicable man from your mind. If not, go through official channels for payment.
You are draining your energy, and delaying healing by contacting him/ planning contact. It’s hard, but just stop

Thanks @Dotcheck how do I do it with no answers though? I lie awake thinking is this way, or is that way or maybe he’s upset about this or that etc. I tear myself in knots from the silence. I also fear i am not doing right by the baby if I don’t always think this over and try and get him to engage.

financially I am ok but it would help with childcare to have some maintenance.