Desperate to mentally let go of narcissist

Tellmeitsfine2022 · 2022-08-04T22:47:18+00:00

Long time lurker here but picking up the courage to post. Please please I need some support from you Mumsnetter’s. I have been in a relationship with an emotionally and verbally abusive man for just over a year and a half. We don’t live together, no children. I don’t want to put any examples here but I am sure you would all be utterly shocked at the things this ‘man’ has said to me and the things he has accused me of. I am just looking for some success/ positive stories of leaving an extremely manipulative and evil man. I used to think I was a strong woman but I am a shell of myself😥 Thanks in advance

Mississipi71 · 05/08/2022 01:11

You don't live with him, have no ties together. Dump him.

theniceunderstandingone · 05/08/2022 01:31

I was in a relationship with my sons father for 3 years. After I had our son we had an argument (our biggest) and the way he spoke to me made me end things with him.
I just couldn't be around a man who spoke to me and clapped his hands in my face calling me names.
Realise you DO NOT DESERVE to be spoken to that way and leave him. You have no ties like you said.
Your life will be better without him and his horrible ways. Do it for yourself

PetalParty · 05/08/2022 10:31

Yes. Everything was far better than could be imagined. Take that leap, there’s nothing to fear. Best thing you can do for yourself. You have that courage in you, dig for it and pump yourself up.

Make a list of all the negative things that have happened, the anger it will cause will give you extra strength to leave.

Anger, when used properly, is a lifesaving and healthy emotion.
Be your own best friend and stand up for yourself.

Justcallmebebes · 05/08/2022 11:38

You need to cut him off to get over him. You don't live together and don't have children together so just take a deep breath and make that cut. You will thank yourself for it in due time

yellowsmileyface · 05/08/2022 11:40

I was with my abusive ex for almost 5 years. Leaving was extremely difficult but it was the best thing I ever did. I started to regain my confidence quite quickly after leaving him.

The most important advice I would give you is to go completely no contact once you've left him. Abusers are very, very skilled at reeling you back in. In my situation, part of the manipulation is I felt I owed him some sort of friendship, that it would be beyond cruel to block and delete him, which gave him opportunity to manipulate me into getting back with him. I first broke up with him around a year and a half in, and again about 3 years in, and I broke free for good after about 5 years. This is why it's so important to cut him out of your life completely.

There are many helpful resources available. If you're really struggling to leave him, get in touch with Women's Aid. I would also advise doing the Freedom Programme, which is available as both an online and in person course.

"Why Does He Do That" is an excellent book in helping women understand abuse. It's available for free online:

ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

You can do this. So many women have, at their most broken, managed to find the strength to leave. You've made a great first step in posting here, so you absolutely can do this. 💐

Watchkeys · 05/08/2022 11:47

You have to stop focussing on him. This isn't about you letting go of him. This is about you filling yourself up with self respect so much that there's no room for anybody who treats you in any way that you don't like.

It's like when you're holding a ball. You might, for some reason, struggle to put the ball down if you were asked. But if someone throws another ball at you, you'll drop the first one in order to put your hands up for the next.

You're not just getting him out of your mind, and leaving a void: you need to replace him. There's something he does for you that you can't let go of, and you have to do that for yourself. So find out what it is. What's the feeling he gives you when he's good to you? What do you crave in him, that he takes away from you when he's horrible? That's the thing you need, and currently can't give yourself.

I used to think I was a strong woman

You are a strong woman. It takes a lot of strength to be in a relationship with someone like him. Take it from those of us who've done it. You're not weak, now, you're tired, and it's not the same. You need a break from his shit, and your strength will be back in full flood. Do you feel stronger when you're out and about, away from his company?

theniceunderstandingone · 05/08/2022 11:48

I love all this advice for you OP. Please take it. You are stronger than you think

Triffid1 · 05/08/2022 11:50

If you don't live together and don't have children together, then I think it's a case of just ending it. I assume you're finding it hard because he's got you questioning sometimes whether maybe he's right and YOU are the problem?

Write down the top 5- 10 things he's done/said that are completely unacceptable. Refer to that list whenever you need a reminder. Stick it on your fridge if you have to. I have to keep reminding SIL of some of BIL's worst actions - she seems to just block them out and get sucked back into thinking that maybe he's not that bad.

Original poster

Tellmeitsfine2022 · 05/08/2022 13:33

I am overwhelmed by the support by every poster. Thank you so much. I am feeling stronger this morning and so far have avoided contact! I know this is the right thing to do and I can’t wait until the freeing feeling comes!

OP posts:

Original poster

Tellmeitsfine2022 · 05/08/2022 13:36

Watchkeys · 05/08/2022 11:47

You have to stop focussing on him. This isn't about you letting go of him. This is about you filling yourself up with self respect so much that there's no room for anybody who treats you in any way that you don't like.

It's like when you're holding a ball. You might, for some reason, struggle to put the ball down if you were asked. But if someone throws another ball at you, you'll drop the first one in order to put your hands up for the next.

You're not just getting him out of your mind, and leaving a void: you need to replace him. There's something he does for you that you can't let go of, and you have to do that for yourself. So find out what it is. What's the feeling he gives you when he's good to you? What do you crave in him, that he takes away from you when he's horrible? That's the thing you need, and currently can't give yourself.

I used to think I was a strong woman

You are a strong woman. It takes a lot of strength to be in a relationship with someone like him. Take it from those of us who've done it. You're not weak, now, you're tired, and it's not the same. You need a break from his shit, and your strength will be back in full flood. Do you feel stronger when you're out and about, away from his company?

I think he has sold me a dream and I have created a vision in my head of how things could be but I know that’s not reality. He is like two different people. He has tonnes of friends and everyone thinks he is such a kind hearted person

OP posts:

Dontbelievethenarcissist · 05/08/2022 13:40

All I can say is I am married to a narc and have a child with one and the idea of leaving him before we had ties sounds so easy now although I'm sure it's not. You've recognised what he is so leave.

Maytodecember · 05/08/2022 13:53

“I think he has sold me a dream and I have created a vision in my head of how things could be but I know that’s not reality. He is like two different people. He has tonnes of friends and everyone thinks he is such a kind hearted person”

Ditto. I was sold the dream of travel, what a wonderful life we’d have ( lies) and at work he was everyone’s friend.

You are in a great position to just walk away. Stay with family or a friend for back up if you can. Then find somewhere of your own.
I drove away with a car full of clothes and books and my dog. Best thing I ever did. Good luck, you can do this.

Dontbelievethenarcissist · 05/08/2022 14:04

I know what you mean but you know the reality is different and it's funny how they all seem like two different people!

I think I am clinging to how our life could be with our nice house and our beautiful child but the truth is he ruins everything.

Watchkeys · 05/08/2022 14:42

I think he has sold me a dream and I have created a vision in my head of how things could be but I know that’s not reality. He is like two different people. He has tonnes of friends and everyone thinks he is such a kind hearted person

'He, he, he, he, he'... so much about him, what he has done, what he is like, what people think of him.

Those things are of no more importance to you than what people think of your 3-doors-down neighbour.

Try

'I have been sold a dream and I don't believe in it anymore, so I've realised I have to move on. I would like x/y/z to be in my future life, and I'm going to set that up by doing a/b/c'

You have enough on your plate working out and implementing a/b/c and x/y/z. You're not responsible for anybody else. You don't have to try to understand anybody else. This is your life. You won't have today again. You could spend it thinking about someone who hurts you and wastes your time, or you could spend it doing things that will support your own happiness and self respect. Which do you think is best?

Watchkeys · 05/08/2022 14:43

@Maytodecember

I drove away with a car full of clothes and books and my dog

Ha! I did exactly the same thing!