When do you give up on an ‘ok’ relationship? Is your partner connected?

[Rhubarbandcustardcat]

Just that really.
In lots of ways our relationship is very functional - no fighting. Very pleasant most of the time. He says he loves me and loves me more every day. I’m not sure why.
Its very easy and familiar. We’ve been together a long long times.
We do stuff as a family. Two children. We never do anything the two of us on our own. He wants to, I’ve no interest.
He’s a good dad now, although when they were small he wasn’t very involved at all. Better now they are older. More supportive of me since we went to marriage counselling two years ago and more willing to ‘help’ around the house having previously had no idea how to use the washing machine or oven.
We are reasonably affluent and healthy. Kids are bright and healthy too.
So much to be grateful for.

And yet I am so bored. We don’t talk. He doesn’t get me. We don’t share feelings. We function alongside each other. I do a fair bit of playing the role I need to play. We aren’t intimate and haven’t been for around seven years. He says sex isn’t that important, even though he’d like it. I wouldn’t like it and don’t want it - with him.
I love him and care about him but I feel absolutely no connection. I’ve tried really hard for well over two years following the marriage counselling but I just cannot get to that place. When he suggests a weekend away just us, without the kids, my heart sinks. It’s not his fault or anything he’s doing, I just don’t feel that way about him.

Is this just how it is? I’m aware that I’m a different person when I’m away from the house or when it’s just me and the children. I’m much lighter and happier, then I feel guilty because it’s not him and I don’t understand why I feel like this. It’s as though I’ve changed and maybe he has too but we’ve not grown in the same direction?
That said, I know the grass isn’t greener and I’m much more fortunate than a lot of people. He’s not abusive, he has a job, he’s involved with the children (now), he’ll do some stuff around the house. It could be MUCH worse.

Should I just keep trying? I’m checked out, that’s the problem and I’m not sure how to change that. It feels entrenched.

I could almost write this same post word for word. I have no answers but you are most definitely not alone.
I swap beteeen thinking he’s a relatively good man, lazy, but not a bad person to life’s way to short to feel like I’ve settled. I don’t think we ever had a spark as such, and the thought of doing anything just the two of us fills me with absolute dread.

I settled.
My husband is a good man - although he has said he’d make life very difficult for me if I ever left him - but is it enough? When the children are grown will it be enough? Am I just delaying the inevitable?
Sorry to hear it’s the same for you. I wonder how many people feel like this if they are truly honest.

I felt sorry for him until I saw the part about making life difficult for you if you leave.

Honestly, what are you getting out of this relationship? You sound miserable.

I suspect quite a lot of relationships are like this when bringing up children - if your partner isn't abusive, alcoholic, a gambling addict or some other serious flaw then couples prioritise their children.

In my experience Dads get more involved when the kids are say 5 or over than when they are really little (although that is no excuse for not changing nappies, giving them bottles or so on).

If you can't do things together though then probably things will fall apart when the kids reach a certain age - lack of sex or antipathy towards a weekend away are strong signs of this.

This is not a "leave him now" situation but I suspect you will want something more once the kids hit 18

its all a low bar *manabouttown’
I think the rot really set in after I had my second dc and he carried on doing nothing to help.
i had PND for two years and he still did nothing to help - such as look after his own children on his own.
Luckily my parents stepped in hugely.
I think my feelings switched off totally at that point.

@Rhubarbandcustardcat

The PND piece is very difficult - a lot of women get the "baby blues" but proper PND needs help and support certainly if it lasts for two years. From what I have read about it I think a lot of men would struggle with it.

Looking back I can see many minor mistakes both myself and my ex made which contributed to our eventual separation but I think we would both say we managed to bring up the kids well.