Wedding stress !!!

[Kaitkyn76]

So sorry this is long I got to get it all out as sitting here in tears...
We are both in our late 40s . He proposed to me new years eve just gone .
This will be my second wedding my partner's first.. I have three children of my own..
We started looking into venues for late next year..we found one we loved we got carried away and put down a non refundable deposit .few weeks later my partner decided it cost way to much ..I had to cancel it....it was alot but perfect..even managed to get hold of 7 new bridesmaid dresses online...my daughter is maid of honour and rest are nieces... I was upset but ok it was alot of money about £7000......
So we looked about and found a very local quaint church for £800 and a community hall to hire for £300.. for 80 guests...you have to do everything yourself ..food. decor. Etc.but I thought ok this could work.
.
Started booking it and then suddenly it's not what he wants .....

Since then he told me he didn't want a large wedding originally 80 guests .he just wants our close family..mums dad's sisters and there kids and my kids and that's it so my side that's 10..his side 19..he said he hasnt seen rest of his family for years , usual weddings and funerals so don't see the point ..I have small family my side .his mum is one of 8 so that's alot of uncles aunties and cousins his side.
His brother got married at a local registry office about 20 years ago and that's what he wants, same place...at town hall place...then pub meal afterwards...that's it..there's a Toby carvery opposite the town hall and he wants it there ..relaxed...no fuss...they do have a private function room to hire for such occasions...
But I just felt like 'oh' that's it.... He just said that's what he wants as don't want to get in debt for one day ..he worries about money alot!
I thought I tell him what I would like as he never asked and he just said u want big wedding that we can't afford..I said no but just comprise...I thought same sort of thing but all under one roof like barn, hotel or manor house I found one for £3000.....

But no he don't want that..just the registry office then walk across the road.. it's not worth me wearing a wedding dress or having the bridesmaids is it..and I promised my kids a photo booth ..
It's a busy place and I wanted something quiet and private.
I also like idea of staying somewhere rather going home afterwards .

I understand the financial side of things we are not loaded fare from it....I just want a nice happy fun day. And everyone to be happy .just feels like I be home in bed by 8pm..,😔

Please I need advise...

So it has to be everything he wants?
What about what you want? Why can't / won't he consider what you want? It's a special day for both of you, so you should both have a bit of what you want.

I have to say- this feels a bit red flag to me.

Does he compromise in other aspects of your relationship? Or is everything his way or not at all?
Is he hands on/ good with the children? Does he compromise with them?

Hello
Yes he comprises with other things..he usually lets me have my way..he is step dad to my children they are grown up now..but yes involved as much as they let him..

He has always worried about money. Making sure all bills are paid...he said he can't justify
Spending so much money on one day...
He said he only wants a small wedding with people that mean most to him..
Even my dad agrees with him that really don't help my situation..

I have said to him I get his point of view we have tight budget but still ....

His attitude is really worrying. It's not unusual to have different ideas of what you want yor wedding day to be, but in a loving, respectful relationship, you listen to each others views and then you find a compromise that you are both happy with. It might not be exactly as you would each have chosen, but you are both just happy to be getting married, and you want to make each other happy so you naturally find that compromise so you can both have a lovely day.

But in this case, he seems to think he can just lay the law down and you aren't entitled to an opinion. Is he like that in other areas of life? Do you feel like he respects you, listens to you, supports you, builds you up, wants you to be happy?

If the answer is Yes - we usually have a very equal and balanced and respectful relationship - then you need to talk to him about why he's being so unreasonable and selfish when it comes to your wedding.

But I suspect the answer might be no, and that he's starting to show you that he wants everything his way. In which case - beware (and please don't marry him).

A third option is that he isn't really serious about getting married, and is prologing the organising and suggesting things he knows you won't like, to put off actually booking it (and then he'll blame you for wanting too much and not being able to afford it).

In short - if you don't feel that he is excited to marry you, wants you to be happy, respects your opinions, sees you as his equal - steer well clear.

I did consider the possibility that maybe he's had second thoughts about getting married.

It also concerned me that you said he's involved with adult children “as much as they let him”.

Have you spoken to them about how they feel about the wedding? Are they happy for you.? Do they know about the events so far.

You say he's concerned about money, but he's willing to lose white a substantial amount of money on a deposit because he changed his mind?

I think you need to sit him down and explain how you feel and that his lack of compromise is a problem. He can't have everything he wants.

Yes the children are happy my daughter's maid of honour...they all get on..my kids are in there 20s...he's there for them and do anything for them if they want him to....normal family !!

We lost £300 on deposit.

He was made redundant during lockdown and struggled to get a job finally has permantent job..I surpose that experience has made him worry about money alot..he's never been out of work !

I am not looking for a lavish day..I am not daft I know our state of our finances...I don't want to get in debt for one day either...( I been there done that..I had full white wedding before and didnt enjoy it then) it's just I am not being listened to or asked what I would like.. it's I have been told what I am having...my friend said comprise by having the registry office he would like and I chose the venue for meal...

But then what what happens after the meal...I don't want to just go home ..I like idea of staying somewhere...

He said tonight yes he wants to marry me otherwise he wouldnt of proposed he just does not want to spend £4000+ feeding people he don't see very often ..

It's given me a headache

I have never been to a registry office wedding before...can u have 7 bridesmaids even though wedding party is 29...I promised so much...told kids they be brisdemaids and my daughter maid of honour and promised a photo booth thing ..I know it's all minor but I just promised so much ...I just want a nice day where I feel beautiful ...rather than a rushing around hetic mum/partner who shovers kids around works full time ...yes I want to feel like a princess even at my age...

What a mess....

Going against the grain a bit here - I totally get why you want a special day but if he has experienced being made redundant and has only just found steady work and what with the cost of living crisis, I get why he doesn’t want to spend £4k on a wedding. You can still have a very special but much more intimate day with fewer guests at a lower cost.

You say you want to feel like a princess but you’ve also said you’re far from loaded - how much of a princess will you feel if you and he are having to cut back heavily on day to day things because you spent £4k on your wedding?

I'm with him really, can't imagine shelling £3k on a wedding when they're predicting the energy bills sky rocketing, and he's only just got a job again, with a family of 5.

You could have a small wedding with 20ish people in a registry office, then have a lovely posh meal, just the 5 of you, or parents too.

Or suggest the small registry office, but going away for the next weekend as a mini honeymoon, or stay overnight at a lovely manor/posh hotel, instead of a reception?

7 bridesmaids is ridiculous. Surely a middle ground can be found between you both? A registry office and a knees up at a nice pub afterwards? You could put on the food and the first hour of drinks?

I agree I am with your DP on this, of course he's going to be cautious about money if he's been made redundant fairly recently, and with the current economic situation it is understandable.
You seem over concerned about the promises you have made to your (adult) DC ... seven bridesmaids and a photo booth does sound very 'princessy'.
Try to find some sort of compromise... surely the important issue is being married ... not the actual 'event'.

Thank you everyone yes Trying20 I think you nailed it really we got excited rushed out and booked somewhere and then reality hit home and he panicked regarding the costs of weddings...my first wedding was over twenty years ago and no where that money....
I think I got to stop take step back and get a proper budget in mind ...I have always got what he was saying just the way he said it too me hurt the most really...he came across like he don't really give a shit! That's what hurt me most....I just want perfect day...

Have you told him directly that a quick registry office so and lunch then home isn't what you want?

Your kids are adults so if the plans change they need to accept that. If they want a photo booth etc they can have one when they get married. However YOU need to be happy.

I think you need to sit down and discuss money. How much cash do you have from both wages to put aside for the wedding? Is delaying the wedding an option? What else can you get for the cost of 19 pub lunches?

Did you discuss having 7 bridesmaids and a photo booth and all that with your DP first before promising everyone?
I'm with your DP. That ready sounds stressful and expensive. I understand you wanting to feel special but remember the wedding is just one day, the marriage is what counts.

7 bridesmaids is ridiculous. Especially when this is your second extravaganza.
Is it the marriage or the party that's important? Did the two of you discuss the photo booth etc? You seem fixated on what you've promised others.

I'm with your partner. He's the one doing it for the first time yet seems to be the only one being sensible. I also can't see why you can't compromise and spend the night somewhere other than home if that's what you want. 🤷‍♀️

Are you both paying towards it? You should both be able to say what you want and he shouldn’t be telling you exactly what to book like this

Yes he was up for everything we decided at the begining . The dresses for bridesmaids he asked his nieces to be brisdemaids etc photo booth everything. He even decided on transport cars etc ..
He liked the first venue alot but not the price..he liked the church and hall...but then he just told me he don't want anything big just registry office and meal...as he don't want to get in debt ..that's all he talks about is the money side of things...I am not going to lie the prices shocked me too...

I couldn't sleep last night over this..it's daft..I was thinking ok registry office then meal at Toby then come back here for cake and party . Get gazebo up in garden with lights etc etc buffet... Get kids involved in the music side of things...etc then our friends or others can pop by etc . Or is that too much ....
Or registry office then meal at a hotel and stay the night...

Can anyone tell me do u walk down a aisle in registry office and have bridesmaids ?? Never been to a town hall registry office

I think my first thought of a wedding was everything under one roof . Twilight wedding . Hotel. Manor house or barn.. white dress. Bridesmaids ...meal , disco etc then stay the night.
But as he don't want all family it's down to max 30...that's our parents. Sisters. There kids and my kids..
So then I thought sit down meal for 30 but then what! do u have DJ with only 30... It seems pointless ..prices are around £3600 for that....I want everyone to have a nice time...

Any ideas for a affordable small wedding ?

I've been to some beautiful registry office weddings. We had a vow renewal after eloping, our registry office is an old Georgian mansion. Yes, you walk into the room before or after your bridesmaids, whichever you prefer.

I'm with PP, it's not all about the day, it's about the marriage. And it's not worth getting yourself into debt over.

I think in this current economic climate your partner is right to be cautious.

He's quite reasonable. Why waste money on one day and a party for people your rarely see? A nice small wedding at a hotel, mainly family and an evening party is fine. That's not expensive and not much more than a registry office. Big wedding, especially a sec d marriage total waste of money

Have you considered getting married abroad? We did it recently, just me, husband & step son & it was completely stress free & not to mention much cheaper than a wedding here

Any ideas for a affordable small wedding ?

Unfortunately when you start adding in multiple bridesmaids and photobooths it all starts to spiral.

We did small family do and it was (I think) really well done on a budget.
Areas where I saved:

Avoid "wedding" venues They charge you more usually. So you could find a charming place that don't usually do weddings, but can manage say up to 50 people. My colleague got her favourite restaurant to open at 4pm just for them, set menu and filled it with 60 of her family, they were fed and watered by the normal opening time of 7pm and went across the road to a nice pub with a dj in the corner. It was hands down the nicest wedding I was ever at. (apart from my own ) My venue was a restaurant/bar in a gorgeous location but don't usually do weddings. We did a buffet dinner, basic beef or salmon but tasty and hot and lots of it. We scrapped a band and any other trimmings such as favours or candy carts/photo booths. The only thing I had was inflatable guitars that I threw onto the dance floor and they were hilarious. Venue threw in a bouncy castle for free for the kids, it was brilliant.

Various family members made different parts of the day - cake, centerpieces, buttonholes, church decor as their gift. Or they took photos for us. We didn't get a videographer either.
I didn't have any bridesmaid or groomsmen. The cost of dresses, shoes, hair, makeup and all that can add up. FWIW, my venue was too remote to get hair or makeup professionally done so I did my own makeup and SILs did my hair. Didn't do a fancy car either, just a minibus to bring us where we needed to go.

As I have 30 people coming would you still have a dance floor with DJ??

You seem quite oblivious to the current financial climate. Of course money is on his mind, it’s on all of our minds at the moment.

You need to discuss and agree a budget and then get creative. The more you do yourself the cheaper it will be. Get one of you kids to DJ, make your own bouquets etc. There are lots of things you can do to keep costs down and still have an amazing day.

Weddings are usually an event you save and budget for. You need to decide if the day is more important than the marriage.