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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ugh, narc ‘DF’ reeling me back in

4 replies

WildOnce · 04/08/2022 14:03

I went low to almost no contact with my dad 5 years ago because of a fiasco around my wedding which was the proverbial straw after years of shitty manipulative and emotionally abusive behaviour. He got remarried (3rd marriage) and is seemingly a changed man (though he wouldn’t admit any fault for previous fall outs). He has reached out slowly but regularly and has behaved impeccably, to the point where I would look churlish not to reciprocate.

We’ve been here before. I know how it goes. So why am I letting him draw me back in? Why at 34, do I still secretly crave my dad’s approval and love? I feel foolish and pathetic. Anyone else been here?

OP posts:

Isaidnoalready · 04/08/2022 14:08

Look churlish honestly it doesn't matter how he is treating you know the scars of the past remain unless he acknowledged that I would dismiss him

Hopeislost · 04/08/2022 14:10

He has not changed if he doesn't see anything wrong with his previous behaviour. Who cares if you look churlish? Protect yourself.

Original poster

WildOnce · 04/08/2022 14:15

I really need to stop wanting his approval and bring a people pleaser! You’re right, why do I care if I seem churlish?!

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/08/2022 14:33

Feel and be bloody churlish here; he is trying to hoover you back into his dysfunctional world. Sadly too he is not a changed man, he's exactly the same as he ever was.

You've been trained and or conditioned from childhood onwards to put his needs first with yours dead last. You may also harbour some hope that he has and or will somehow change and say sorry. I have to tell you now this will never happen.

People pleasing behaviour often starts by wanting to parent please. I would suggest you find a BACP therapist to work with re people pleasing, this person should have no familial bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment.

Have a look too at the current "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages. Some of those posters on there will certainly know what you have and are going through here. Do also read the Out of the FOG website content along with "Children of the Self Absorbed" by Nina W Brown.

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