How can I move past these things now my parents have changed?

[tei]

Dad in particular accepts he shouldn’t have hit me and is open about being sorry. My mum is less so, she is v defensive about things. It left me alone it’s masses of issues that I am worried I will pass to my baby.

Firstly no relationship worked out as I never went for anyone who loved me, I believed I wasn’t worthy of love. So my baby already has parents who are apart as DP left me and has no interest.

But I am scarred by being left alone regularly while my brother was ferried around to excel in his sport. I was so lonely. I was mocked when I had an eating disorder, told I looked like the women from the Scream movie, when I felt suicidal neither came to me and instead asked the hospital to section me.

I was told I wasn’t like other girls, that no men would like me if I did x y or z. When I had break ups as an adult I was told it wasn’t surprising nobody could put up with me. All mixed in with a lot of physical abuse which my dad has in fairness said sorry for.

I have had low confidence all my life.

I was better when I lived far from them but now I have DC and I’m on my own I’ve moved back where I grew up. It’s too late to go back as we will exchange contracts tomorrow and the house is much nicer for DC by a long way. I’m just nervous being back in the area and still feeling these things. I’d love to get over it all as largely my mum has changed even if she doesn’t accept what she did.

We can have nice chats etc and she’ll do a lovely meal and we do have nice times. But now and then the odd comment will be made if she’s having a bad day and it throws me back into that angst.

Just wanting support really.

*it left me with

*scream movie with the mask on, obviously not Courtney cox who is beautiful!

All mixed in with a lot of physical abuse which my dad has in fairness said sorry for.
He can say sorry all he likes, he should be in prison.

I really don't think moving back to the same area as your parents is a good idea, but as you say, it's too late now - it's done. And it sounds as if there are some advantages, even if proximity to your parents could be difficult.

Have you had any counselling for the abuse and neglect that you suffered? If not, that would be the first thing I would try to get sorted out, as long as you can do so without leaving your DC in your parents' care. That will help you to implement some boundaries so that you can be reasonably low contact with them and hopefully get to enjoy some of the benefits of the new location.

Is your eating disorder managed now? I would be concerned that being back in the place where your abuse happened could trigger a relapse. Do you have a way to monitor yourself so you can seek help if you feel a relapse happening?

You don't need to 'get over' what was done to you. For your own sake, you do need to process it so that it no longer creates harmful feelings. Focus on yourself and keep your parents at arms' length as much as you can. Good luck.

Do you know other people in the area other than your parents? I tried for 20 years to have a relationship with my mother after an abusive childhood and it left me on my knees, she tried to take over my children as well which was difficult. You however have the advantage of being clear minded about the situation (I was not and kept feeling confused about everything!). I would set my own rules, boundaries. I would not expect too much, get outside support in place and be wary of the expectation of increased care as they get older (It is galling to be expected to provide better care to an older adult than they ever gave you as a child).

Also seek counselling, even if the waiting lists are long, it is something.

@tribpot eating disorder was a long time ago, I am not concerned about that.

i am worried moving back will undo all the progress I made but at the same time, there’s not much for me where I am and the house is infinitely nicer, bigger etc for me and dc. It means taking them from a two bed terrace with small garden to a three bed detached with open plan living and spacious garden in an area full of walks and pubs rather than cars and traffic.

@User6787899 i am in counselling and that’s the nail on the head I think…it’s keeping boundaries. How do I do it? Maybe have a set day that we meet etc?

Setting days and times where you meet is good. Boundaries can be something you have to keep on top of and question often. For example my mum used to look through my rubbish and make comment on things I had eaten/discarded. I felt uncomfortable but I was so used to it I thought it came with the territory of the relationship and was commonplace. My counsellor really helped me realise that this was boundary crossing behaviour but it took a while. This is just one example out of many. You might have different things that make you feel uncomfortable but it's just about really listening to yourself and taking care of yourself, and speaking out when you need to. It may be that you would be better off with extremely low contact, or it may be that the relationship is okay in certain areas. When you are abused/neglected as a child it can be really difficult to set boundaries, it wasn't natural for me at all, and I have spent a lot of time thinking about this.

In addition to counseling I would seek out/prioritise people who treat you well regardless of whether they are your blood relations or not. Who brings joy to your life? Who is a good person for your children to spend time around?