Greener Grass of Mental Breakdown??

[OhHelloFromTheOtherSide]

Name changed for this as I’m pretty embarrassed about how long my situation has gone on for.

Just wanted some perspective on marriages that have broken down when one party has got up and left out of the blue.

Husband left almost a year ago. Was a c*nt for the first 6 months and then for the remaining 6 months declared his undying love and said he’d had a breakdown. He’s finding it very difficult to now let me go.

The marriage is over and there’s no going back for me. There’s times I feel bad for his possible breakdown - anyone been in a similar situation ?

It's hard to comment on what you have said although I have experienced something similar. Are you doubting the breakdown happened? If the marriage is over you need to be clear but you don't owe someone a relationship because you feel bad about their possible mental health and you don't have to accept being treated badly because of it. It doesn't sound like offering him any support would be helpful to either to you to be honest and may give your ex false hope? Does he have outside support? Clarity and distance for you may be best. A year isn't that long for a situation like this to carry on for , it's unchartered and unexpected waters, but your mental health matters as well and it sounds like you have been through a lot tbh.

What was the reason for him leaving?

@Cheminaufaules he’d become distant and I accused him of cheating (he’d done it once previous and his behaviour was very similar)

He moved out, said I obviously didn’t trust him, he didn’t love me anymore and he realised (after 18 years) that we were incompatible.

He is now saying he realises it wasn’t me that made him unhappy but his unhappiness is within himself and needs to seek help.

Oh that's a tough one for you @OhHelloFromTheOtherSide .

I think he's telling the truth about his latest realisation, don't you?

If you are done with the marriage, then it's going to be tough because you'll still feel a sense of responsibility towards his welfare. Nobody wants a loved one - or someone you previously loved - going through MH issues.

There are a two or three different aspects to this...

Firstly if he's cheated on you in the past and has started to behave the same way it is natural to get uneasy and pose the question - I don't know how confrontational about that you were but still the reaction is understandable

It is also clear he has a mental health issue and needs to seek help with that whatever else happens

From your point of view it seems like the marriage is over and I don't think you have anything to gain from prevaricating about that.

I would be clear about that with him but offer some advice on sorting himself out because it sounds like he needs it (and would probably help your peace of mind too)

I begged him to stay and he just upped and left. No remorse from him whatsoever- I asked him to talk and he either ignored me or was nasty.
His behaviour was very unpredictable but he managed to hold down a stressful job and maintain normality in all his other aspects of life. He rented an apartment, tried to keep one foot in the door and refused to have a plan for the DC - he wanted to rock up whenever he felt like it.
I found posh hotel bookings for not long after he left and messages to women on Facebook telling them they looked hot.
so I presumed he left for a bit of fun, what else was I to think when he refused to talk??

He cheated, thought he'd found an easier/better prospect. Then made you feel even worse by being nasty.

It didn't work out, he's back knocking on your door.

Trust your feelings. Tell him that you can't be in a relationship where someone treats you so poorly. That he needs to move on. It's HIS responsibility to get help if he really feels he needs it. I assume he has friends and family he can lean on?

@OhHelloFromTheOtherSide - based on your last message I am going to modify my advice slightly and say that you just need to tell him to sort himself out and leave you alone

The posh hotel bookings are neither here nor there. The stuff on Facebook though gives an insight into his mindset and it confirms your suspicions about his attitude to you

Fuck him, & fuck his "MH crisis".
What help did he seek / is he seeking for his MH?

It's ALL about him, isn't it?
He wanted to go, he wanted an affair, wanted to be a cunt for 6 months ... & did exactly what he wanted.
Now he wants back. Why would you tolerate that level of entitlement & cruelty?

He’s finding it very difficult to now let me go.
He's not back in the marital home is he?
What support do you need OP? btw - YANBU. It's YOUR turn to decide whether you want this marriage to survive, & it sounds to me like you are done.

Is he expecting a lot of support from you just now? I really hope you are not being used to make himself feel better about everything, that would be a difficult pill to swallow. Poor mental health can lead to unpredictable and selfish behaviours. I'm not sure how much you have described actually falls in that category, and maybe you have just saw what he is capable of. (I actually want to say more on this but I am stopping myself!). I would walk away and let him sort it out himself. Limit commit and support to your kids.

Sounds mike be wanted to try and see if the grass was greener and when it wasn’t realised his ‘undying love’ for you.

If his MH was bad then you would think he would want to maybe take some space or have time to work it through but he just upped and left. It’s quite interesting he managed to hold together the rest of his life during this apparent breakdown. Funny how they can hit in such selective areas. 🤨