DH & Alcohol, sneaky drinking

[40anxious]

my DH drinks a lot. I know this, he knows this (although hes very much in denial about that).

he has no patience for the kids and at the end of the day will sit on the couch and drink from the time he gets home from work to the time he goes bed. I do 90% parenting and the 10% he attempts, i take over as he gets angry. Its putting a real strain on our relationship so much so that im on the verge of ending it. I dont want to live like this.

anyway, ive noticed some days especially when ive brought up the alcohol subject recently, he wont appear to drink. Like for instance, last night, i never saw a drink in his hand. He walked past me and i could smell beer on him. I noticed half a bottle of wine gone and the glazed look in his eyes. Is this what you would call hiding drinks? He will do this during the week mon-weds whereas he will drink openly Thurs-Sun as apparently it’s acceptable to drink on those days

alcohol is a touchy subject for him. Like i say, ive tried to talk about it with him but he turns the conversation round to me- im the one with a problem keep questioning him, im obsessed about it apparently. Hes always been a big drinker but i thought as he entered his mid life he might cut back a little , clearly not.

He's in a relationship with alcohol not you.

But you can't change him if he doesn't want to change.

Can you contact AL- anon?

It may take an ultimatum to give him a jolt.

Does he care if you and the DC's walk out?

What started the drinking?

This is the slippery alcoholic slope.

Conceaking/lying about alcohol consumption is the beginning of the descent, OP.

It will get much worse and very quickly once an alcoholic starts hiding their drinking and taking people for mugs in their delusion that nobody knows they are drinking.

I would calmly confront him about his drinking and tell him he gets help now or you separate.

Don't have a relationship with someone who insists you're the problem when there's a problem.

Certainly don't spend your time psychoanalysing them.

What difference does it make if he's hiding drinks? What difference does it make if he drinks at all? The crux of the thing is that he chooses to neglect his parenting and partnering duties, and gets angry if he feels he has to take responsibility for himself. The nature of his ills is up to him to deduce. Your responsibility is to yourself and your children.

I think he will care when we walk out. He will be very upset but i imagine he will drown his sorrows.

i dont know why he drinks. Hes always been a big drinker since teenage years. Hes been heavy drinking since id say past 27 years. never had time off. Did used to be dry Mon-thurs but its daily now, although he wouldnt see himself as an alcoholic.

I agree that it's crunch time here, but if you're going to issue an ultimatum, you have to mean it. You have to follow through on it.

FWIW if he's into stealth drinking then he isn't going to stop and you're better off getting rid. Been there, done that, mine died before the divorce came through.

He's addicted to alcohol. Addicts lie. Addictions ruin lives and relationships.

Regardless of whether he admits to problem drinking or not, the fact is he's doing it. So he either gets help (on his own accord), or sadly, the relationship is over.

It sounds like he's a long way off acknowledging and changing the situation. So I would suggest leaving. Show your kids it's not acceptable or a positive way of dealing with life's stressors. Break the family cycle of drinking that often happens.

Sadly, his wake up call will likely be his divorce or the fallout that happens after. But if that's what it takes, then so be it. Your priority needs to be you and the kids.

It's the start of a very slippery slope I'm afraid. My DH is an alcoholic and, like your's was always a big drinker. He started "sneaky drinking" many years ago and it's just the start of a pattern of lying and gaslighting you into thinking you are going mad for suspecting him.

Mine is a full blown alcoholic now and has been for the past 12 years. He has had decent periods of recovery - probably 2 years at the most - but it's always there in the background and now he's been in a relapse since early May with maybe 4 weeks sober in June. It's a living hell and I wish I had divorced him a long time ago. Get out whilst you can!

if you're going to issue an ultimatum, you have to mean it

An ultimatum is best seen as something you issue to yourself, and tell the other person about.

'I won't stay in a relationship which is affected by the other person's drinking. This starts now/next week/next month. It's up to you what you decide to do.'

That's why you always mean it. It's not about controlling anybody else's behaviour. It's about you.

Oh wow, thats really worrying about the stage he is in. I just feel really sad that he cannot see this for himself. Ive talked and talked to him but hes like a child who just will not listen. I gave him an ultimatum last year, which i didn’t follow through with. I said we would split up. He talked me round, said he would cut down. I said no drink in the house- he laughed. Then it came to the stage of him asking me if he could have a drink?? Made me feel like i was his mum. Like i say, its a touchy subject now

I was married to an alcoholic. There's absolutely nothing you can do about it. Alcoholics ruin lives, and children of alcoholics see everything. It's an awful way to live.

I divorced him and never looked back.

"he has no patience for the kids ... I do 90% parenting and the 10% he attempts, i take over as he gets angry. Its putting a real strain on our relationship so much so that im on the verge of ending it. I dont want to live like this."
Taking the drinking out of it, it's still shit. He's a passenger not a partner. And an angry passenger, at that. You don't want to live like this - and your children shouldn't have to either, with an impatient angry father. Until he addresses his problem drinking, I'd not be inflicting him on the children.

He is an alcoholic. It’s impacting on his relationship with you and the children. Children who grow up with an alcoholic are more like to become an alcoholic. You need to start focusing on protecting your children.

Then it came to the stage of him asking me if he could have a drink?? Made me feel like i was his mum

Because he doesn't take responsibility for himself.

@Watchkeys i think he did it to make me feel awkward. According to him, all his friends drink and why cant he drink at home? He works so deserves to drink at the end of the day/week. He doesnt get violent but is unpleasent eg shouty/slamming doors. Hes not sat on a park bench drinking. He only drinks beer/wine not spirits. He goes to work and doesnt drink on waking up. He can go a day or three if pushed to prove hes not an alcoholic. Its like arguing with a brick wall….

@WhereYouLeftIt agree. He is fine diring the morning/day time and will do stuff with the kids but more and more recently, theyve said they dont like him 😔

You know what you need to do.

Stop delaying the inevitable.

Its definitely like having an extra child in the house who we tip toe round to keep the peace. Something has to change. I need to make changes. I just wanted some perspectives on the hiding drinks. I was back and forth yesterday evening with various things and each time i was a home he wasnt drinking but i could tell he had been.

@Watchkeys my late husband was astonished when I followed through on the ultimatum I issued. It felt like taking back the power in the relationship.

@40anxious so your children have noticed and don't want to be around their dad. Time to act, I'm afraid. You should now seek support for yourself - start with Al-Anon (for loved ones of alcoholics) and go from there. It will help with the feelings of guilt, it will wean you off enabling him and it will make you see you aren't alone.

I'm so sorry. You need to end the relationship for your sake and the sake of your children.

Hi, @40anxious This is something of a plea from the adult child of an alcoholic.

My mother waited until we, her children, were in our 20s and early 30s before she finally divorced my alcoholic father. They split up and got back together repeatedly from my childhood onwards. We moved house repeatedly as a 'fresh start', or one moved out and moved back in again. There was ultimatum after ultimatum. Really it was just endless upheaval.

She psycho-analysed him constantly. His main relationship was with alcohol, and her main relationship grew to be her obsession with him and his alcoholism. It grew to be such a habit that she couldn't stop it, even after divorce. Her adult children avoid her as a consequence.

The pair of them ruined my childhood and my siblings' childhoods, and our teenage years. Most of us have poor relationships ourselves with alcohol, and also interestingly with food, as she was very controlling around everything that she could control.

I think it affects children a lot. A hell of a lot. Children absorb it all - including all the negative stuff, the atmospheres, the requests to 'keep secrets', the sighing and huffing, the emotional pressure to take sides, the inability of dad to drive safely in the evening that has to be glossed over, the embarassment, the sadness and obsession of mum. It's cumulative and it's awful.

Thank you for all the replies. Its really given me food for thought

Please take heed of the previous responses.

BTW did you yourself grow up seeing a heavily drinking parent too?.

He does not want your help and or support and like many alcoholics remains in denial. He is likely badly underestimating how much he is drinking as well.

You cannot rescue and or save him but you can and absolutely should save yourself and your kids from this abject misery caused by his alcoholism. You have a choice re this man, they do not. Make better choices for yourself now as well as them.

The 3cs re alcoholism are again prescient here
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

His primary relationship is with drink, not you and not the kids either. His thoughts centre around drink and where the next drink is going to come from.
He's snippy with you all because you all interfere with his drinking time. Your household is akin to a warzone really and you're constantly lurching from one crisis to another.

Alcoholism too is not called the "family disease" for nothing because alcoholism does not just affect the alcoholic. Like many posts of this type too its been mainly about him. You in turn have and are carrying out the usual roles associated with such spouses; those of provoker (because you never forget), codependent spouse and enabler. Your own recovery from his alcoholism will only properly start when you have fully separated from him; until then doing that is impossible. Seek legal advice and contact Al-anon. Go to their meetings if possible and at the very least read their literature.

You cannot protect yourself here, let alone them from the realities of his alcoholism whilst you are all under the same roof. They can and do pick up on your reactions, both spoken and unspoken, to his drinking and they see how emotionally preoccupied you are.

Child of an alcoholic here. Divorce him.

we recently went on holiday and honestly the amount he drank was ridiculous. It was just free for all and the thing that got me was, we went down the beach in the evenings to go rockpooling but he only joined us one night and brought two cans with him. All others he stayed at the holiday house drinking 😕

i didnt see heavy drinking growing up. He did though and apparently DV but his parents are still together but not like that anymore, they seem happy together now.