Are you still glad you’re a parent even if you’re no longer with the dad?

Lrti · 2022-08-04T06:06:20+00:00

Just that really. I’ve continued a pregnancy when the relationship broke down just before termination cut off and I couldn’t go through with it. I’m 34. Sometimes I panic I wish it was all different. It’s not been easy.

Original poster

Lrti · 04/08/2022 07:06

im due in October

OP posts:

coodawoodashooda · 04/08/2022 07:07

Yes. Don't worry op. You will never regret your decision. It will be difficult but wonderful.

Original poster

Lrti · 04/08/2022 07:09

Thank you @coodawoodashooda im feeling so anxious about my decision!

OP posts:

fedup078 · 04/08/2022 07:09

Yes it's best thing I ever did
I'd probably still be with the prick if I didn't have dc, having dc gave me better boundaries and the strength to realise I didn't need a gaslighting alcoholic in my life

coodawoodashooda · 04/08/2022 07:11

Lrti · 04/08/2022 07:09

Thank you @coodawoodashooda im feeling so anxious about my decision!

Imagine you were still with him and hoping for the best. So much better to simply know.

Original poster

Lrti · 04/08/2022 07:15

I’m SO gutted it didn’t work out but… keep reminding myself;

he didn’t like holidays even a long weekend!
sex was every few months
didn’t like seeing my family
in 3 years never met my best friend as was too busy… she was a 30 min drive away!

i thought he was fundamentally loving and caring though… before we split I said would he still want the baby if we split but I’ve heard absolutely nothing the last month so not sure that was true! Oh well he’s shown his true colours I suppose.

OP posts:

MaxOverTheMoon · 04/08/2022 08:12

Yes my dd is 16 now and I don't always love being a parent but I do love being a parent more than I don't. I had her very young (I'm the same age as you are now OP) and there have been times when I've just not wanted the responsibility of parenting but we've muddled through and I've still managed to get out and enjoy myself.

liveforsummer · 04/08/2022 08:18

Yea, I mean I often wish he didn't exist but have loved every minute of being a parent and don't regret it for a second with 2 dc. Did you post about this before when you were trying to make your decision?

XmasElf10 · 04/08/2022 09:12

Yes, my DD is 11 and the light of my life. I’m off work this week so we are being lazy and I’ve just got out of the big bed that she crawled into at 7 this morning. We’ve had a cuddle and a chat and will be going shopping for school stuff in an hour. She’s lovely!

redandyellowbits · 04/08/2022 09:16

So so glad to be a mum without a partner. Yours sounds like he would have made a horrendous dad, I'll bet you and your baby will thrive without him.

StarCourt · 04/08/2022 09:17

Op don't put the dad on your babies birth certificate. If things get better between you he could always be added at a later date

crosbystillsandmash · 04/08/2022 09:24

Absolutely!
My dc are adults now and although their dad is crappy and not part of their lives, they have a stepdad who has been around for 15 years and is totally devoted to them.
Even prior to me meeting him, life was good, tough as a single parent at times but infinitely better than being in a poor relationship etc

To echo others, absolutely do not put his name on the birth certificate!!!

liveforsummer · 04/08/2022 09:27

To add to others good suggestions a lot the bc. Also be aware you can still claim child maintenance despite father not being on there. If he denies being the father on account of the bc then it's on him to prove this to them via dna before he gets out of paying. If he can't/won't do this then they will take your word for it

mommynette · 04/08/2022 09:28

@Lrti Yes glad I'm a parent even though it's very hard work raising a child and also I suffer fatigue from my other health issues as well. In this modern day you don't really need the traditional converstive thing of having specifically "dad". But other family, relatives, good friends, support groups, doulas, therapists and basically anyone who is trustworthy is enough to be "family" like part of the kid's upbringing should also be appreciated even if it's not specially "dad". I understand at the back of the mind we solo parents think of this issue of "dad" but we have to heal from this emotional wound in some way which is something that hurts but I believe we can heal from this. It's difficult to explain. I'm not sure if you understand me?

mommynette · 04/08/2022 09:39

Lrti · 04/08/2022 07:15

I’m SO gutted it didn’t work out but… keep reminding myself;

he didn’t like holidays even a long weekend!
sex was every few months
didn’t like seeing my family
in 3 years never met my best friend as was too busy… she was a 30 min drive away!

i thought he was fundamentally loving and caring though… before we split I said would he still want the baby if we split but I’ve heard absolutely nothing the last month so not sure that was true! Oh well he’s shown his true colours I suppose.

That's why I stay away from relationships nowadays, technology and modern life have ruined relationships for sure. I describe myself as Aromantic which means I basically don't do romance anymore haha lol.

courtrai · 04/08/2022 09:40

A bit of a generalisation but, I was in similar position with ExH who cleared off when I was 16 weeks pregnant. I didn't hear from him again until 2 weeks before birth.

Whilst pregnancy can be all consuming for the mum there is a special breed of man who doesn't consider there to be a child until it actually arrives. My ExH was still a pretty shit father (and is still shit 20 yes later) but he was more involved post birth than before. You may find he is more involved once baby is here

Original poster

Lrti · 04/08/2022 09:45

@courtrai my friends and family said this but as he ignored my many attempts to talk I don’t think he will even bother trying to meet them when here to be honest. Did you try and get yours to get in touch or leave him to it?!

as time has gone on I’ve realised what a fkg twat he is anyway but would like to know he was interested in seeing his own child!

OP posts:

liveforsummer · 04/08/2022 09:47

I'd just leave him to it OP. He knows where you are if he changes his mind but your life may well be easier without him anyway. Remember he's still legally obliged to financially support his dc even if he doesn't wish to see them

Original poster

Lrti · 04/08/2022 09:52

@liveforsummer yeah I gave up a while ago. I feel better not around him as he was quite draining! Think it’s just scary thinking about what’s to come I’m worried my emotions will be all over the place. Obviously never intended it this way.

OP posts:

courtrai · 04/08/2022 10:42

Lrti · 04/08/2022 09:45

@courtrai my friends and family said this but as he ignored my many attempts to talk I don’t think he will even bother trying to meet them when here to be honest. Did you try and get yours to get in touch or leave him to it?!

as time has gone on I’ve realised what a fkg twat he is anyway but would like to know he was interested in seeing his own child!

He came to see her after birth and then saw her around once a week. He tried, admittedly half heartedly. We got back together when our 1st was about 8 months. It was never right but I was very young and wanted to create what I saw as a perfect nuclear family. We went on to have another baby a couple of years later but the relationship was pretty awful. He never wanted to be with me or kids (I have always strongly suspected he has homosexual leanings). Ultimately we split for good 4 years ago. He's now estranged from his children who struggle to understand what they've done wrong.

If I could go back I'd have never tried to make it work after the first split but then I wouldn't have my DS so I guess I should be grateful that he gave me 2 beautiful kids

Original poster

Lrti · 04/08/2022 10:45

courtrai · 04/08/2022 10:42

He came to see her after birth and then saw her around once a week. He tried, admittedly half heartedly. We got back together when our 1st was about 8 months. It was never right but I was very young and wanted to create what I saw as a perfect nuclear family. We went on to have another baby a couple of years later but the relationship was pretty awful. He never wanted to be with me or kids (I have always strongly suspected he has homosexual leanings). Ultimately we split for good 4 years ago. He's now estranged from his children who struggle to understand what they've done wrong.

If I could go back I'd have never tried to make it work after the first split but then I wouldn't have my DS so I guess I should be grateful that he gave me 2 beautiful kids

Show quote history

@courtrai did you try and chase him during pregnancy to be involved? Sorry he has turned out to do what he’s done. What is wrong with people! Agree you have your DC and that’s the main thing 🤗

OP posts:

courtrai · 04/08/2022 10:56

I invited him to scans but he ignored me. I think his contact around the time of her birth was most likely prompted my his parents.

I did, and still do encourage him to be involved in kids lives. It's always been his choice. It's important to me that my conscience is clear and I can't be accused of parental alienation. Sadly he is incapable of love but that's something I've come to terms with and my little family unit is doing ok thankfully

BiscoffSundae · 04/08/2022 11:05

Going against the grain, no. I would never have chosen to be a lone parent and if I had known I wouldn’t have wanted to be.

rainbowshows · 04/08/2022 11:16

You'll be absolutely fine. As soon as the baby arrives nothing else will matter more. Please try not to worry, I was in the same position and as hard as it is being a parent it also brings you so much joy and love like you've never known before! ❤️