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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice needed

15 replies

SophieLouise93 · 03/08/2022 22:13

Hi guys looking for some advice on where to go from here

Long story short me and childrens (5+2) split up in January, within a few weeks of me moving out he got a new partner. This I don't have a problem with, I'm glad he's happy. Now the last time they stayed with him was for the weekend at her house in which they came back very unkempt, dirty looking, didn't have their teeth brushed all weekend and it took me two days to get the knots out of my daughters hair. They was incredibly clingy, irritable and very upset and needed constant reassurance. I told him for the foreseeable future the kids won't be staying with him, I've spoken to pastoral care at DC school and she agreed I did the right thing. He FaceTimed at the beginning of July but since then it has been radio silence. No messages asking how they are or asking if he can FaceTime. I have messaged multiple times saying we need to sort a plan for him to see the kids to get no reply. I messaged saying they were staying at his mum and dads so he can see them to get no reply. Now he has threatened to take me to court because I have stopped contact, I said I haven't and if you wanted to see the kids you would have gone to your mum and dads when they were there.

Does he have a leg to stand on? I'm not sure whether this is an actual threat or just chatting

If I've left anything out etc please ask

Thankyou x

OP posts:
DaisyDooxox · 03/08/2022 22:27

Hi!

I am so very sorry to hear about your situation.

I have no children myself and no experience of this, but I have recently attempted to take my ex partner to court to force a sale on our jointly owned house.

From my experience, court should be the absolute last resort. Solicitors are expensive at £260 per hour. I am sure that you would be entitled to help with court fees however - but if this is going to court, be sure to get a good solicitor if you can.

Also - Evidence, evidence, evidence. Keep an excel spreadsheet or some kind of document with evidence of what is happening. Pictures of your children’s unkempt hair and clothes, any text messages received, note every correspondence down. This will go in your favour I’m sure.

Wishing you the very best of luck. X

TeapotTitties · 03/08/2022 22:32

If he takes you to court and promises to brush their teeth and comb their hair, he'll get the overnight access he wants (assuming there's no other problems).

You've got the messages to prove you offered access but banned the overnight, so the court probably won't get bogged down in that argument.

Original poster
SophieLouise93 · 03/08/2022 22:35

TeapotTitties · 03/08/2022 22:32

If he takes you to court and promises to brush their teeth and comb their hair, he'll get the overnight access he wants (assuming there's no other problems).

You've got the messages to prove you offered access but banned the overnight, so the court probably won't get bogged down in that argument.

Thankyou for your reply, I'm not sure what you mean by bogged down in that argument?

And yes if he can show me that he can care for the kids the way they should be I won't have a problem

OP posts:
TeapotTitties · 03/08/2022 22:41

I mean the argument will be irrelevant to the courts so they won't entertain it.

They're very straight forward/no nonsense, so if he takes you to court for overnight access, that's all they'll be interested in - not 'She banned me from seeing them' - 'Actually no I didn't, I told you they were at your mum's' etc.

Original poster
SophieLouise93 · 03/08/2022 22:45

TeapotTitties · 03/08/2022 22:41

I mean the argument will be irrelevant to the courts so they won't entertain it.

They're very straight forward/no nonsense, so if he takes you to court for overnight access, that's all they'll be interested in - not 'She banned me from seeing them' - 'Actually no I didn't, I told you they were at your mum's' etc.

Ah I get you, thankyou for clarifying. I live in Manchester, he lives in Bradford and he expects me to drop them off and pick them up again which I've told him I can afford so we need to meet half way but he's not budging, it's on his terms and his terms only if that makes sense. At first we came to some sort of agreement that he would have them for the day etc and he seemed happy with that but then he switched and said every other weekend or not at all. My eldest is still processing the break up and only wants to see daddy at daddy's house and I've explained to her it will only be at her house from now and she's previously said she doesn't want to go

OP posts:
TeapotTitties · 03/08/2022 23:01

Ahh that sounds really tough.

One of the things the court will sort out though is the transport, so at least it should hopefully be fairer.

Hope it works out for you all. It takes a long time to settle into new arrangements after a split, but hopefully he'll stop being a dick and things will get easier for you all Flowers

Dery · 03/08/2022 23:03

Just keep a record of all the communications from you have sent showing that you were offering access. That’s what will interest the court assuming he decides to make an application. The court will then see that you’re not preventing him from seeing your children.

Original poster
SophieLouise93 · 03/08/2022 23:03

TeapotTitties · 03/08/2022 23:01

Ahh that sounds really tough.

One of the things the court will sort out though is the transport, so at least it should hopefully be fairer.

Hope it works out for you all. It takes a long time to settle into new arrangements after a split, but hopefully he'll stop being a dick and things will get easier for you all Flowers

Hopefully it does get easier. I've said to him he should FaceTime and speak to my eldest on the weekend and see what she wants to do and we'll go from there but I never got a reply so at least I'm trying that's all I can do 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
SophieLouise93 · 03/08/2022 23:04

Dery · 03/08/2022 23:03

Just keep a record of all the communications from you have sent showing that you were offering access. That’s what will interest the court assuming he decides to make an application. The court will then see that you’re not preventing him from seeing your children.

Thankyou for your reply. I have saved all the conversations from WhatsApp and emailed them to myself

OP posts:
oviraptor21 · 03/08/2022 23:25

Has he moved away or you?

Original poster
SophieLouise93 · 03/08/2022 23:26

oviraptor21 · 03/08/2022 23:25

Has he moved away or you?

He's from Bradford I'm from Manchester, we lived together in Bradford for 6 years, I moved back to Manchester when we split up because all my family is here and it made more sense to in regards to working and childcare etc

OP posts:
Whatisthegoss · 04/08/2022 11:59

I would be pushing for a legal arrangement so your children have regular contact with both of you in person..allowing facetime in between visits for instance.
Asking transport costs is met and personal hygiene is in place.
Keep the whatsapp messages it will also show your style of communication.
The children having time with both parents is what is needing to be arranged including all the Birthdays, Christmas and school holidays.
It is difficult when you are adjusting
Knotty hair seems feral although I hope they came home happy enough.
They are bound to resent the change but help it by moving into an arrangement so it becomes easier for you all.

Original poster
SophieLouise93 · 04/08/2022 18:49

Whatisthegoss · 04/08/2022 11:59

I would be pushing for a legal arrangement so your children have regular contact with both of you in person..allowing facetime in between visits for instance.
Asking transport costs is met and personal hygiene is in place.
Keep the whatsapp messages it will also show your style of communication.
The children having time with both parents is what is needing to be arranged including all the Birthdays, Christmas and school holidays.
It is difficult when you are adjusting
Knotty hair seems feral although I hope they came home happy enough.
They are bound to resent the change but help it by moving into an arrangement so it becomes easier for you all.

Thankyou for your reply and both times they have back from staying at his partners they have both been extra clingy, needed more reassurance and very moody, tired, crying a lot, very irritable

OP posts:
Alexaplaykatebush · 04/08/2022 19:40

I'll bet my last pound he won't take you to court.
He can't even be bothered to write a text let alone fill in court documents.
It will all be for the new girlfriends benefit.

Original poster
SophieLouise93 · 04/08/2022 19:42

Alexaplaykatebush · 04/08/2022 19:40

I'll bet my last pound he won't take you to court.
He can't even be bothered to write a text let alone fill in court documents.
It will all be for the new girlfriends benefit.

That's what I was thinking, he's thinks I'm trying to control his life and what he does with the kids and that I have a problem with him and his partner (jealousy) I've told him I'm miles better off without him. The first time they met her was staying at hers for the weekend without my knowledge 3 months after we split, I've told him he needs to think about how this is effecting the kids but he doesn't wanna hear it

OP posts:
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