After Marriage Advice Please! :-)

[Blossom4538]

Hi all,
my H and I have been together for a long time, from quite a young age, married and have children. Life isn’t easy due to various pressures so that has probably put a slight strain on things but we generally get in well, are perhaps more snappy and irritable with each other. He’s a thoroughly good man and his family are lovely, we’re quite close.

BUT, we have no sex life and haven’t for years. I crave more love and affection. We always hug which is lovely and tell each other we love each other - kiss, just very small pecks occasionally. I feel no desire at all to have sex or be more intimate in that way. But in the past I had a high sex drive, always higher than his. He was a virgin when we met.

I feel like I miss out but can’t imagine being without him. It feels like very affectionate, caring friends. He is a super Dad most of the time, but has become a lot more grumpy and irritable with age. I sometimes feel as though I’m not good enough at keeping the house clean and tidy etc and he gets frustrated, but he never says anything outright or is mean or anything. He just gets stressed and can be quite intense about clutter and tidiness etc.

I have started having feelings for someone else, someone who nothing can really ever happen with and of course, I am married. He has been totally cautious and not done anything, not sure if he feels the same way, but we’ve had some heavy, intense atmospheres when we’ve been together and lots of deep eye contact. Sometimes he doesn’t stop and is really lovely and others he tends to pull away. All I want to do is grab him for a huge hug and stare deeply into his gorgeous eyes! Im so awful.

I can’t imagine things changing, being without H and his family, losing our lovely home (I don’t currently work, he is the breadwinner) although I am lucky enough to be possibly being gifted around 50k soon, from family, which H and I will be sharing.

However, I miss excitement, intimacy, sex, deep love. I do catch my H checking me out, he compliments me lots, even more so recently. I obviously like the compliments but feel uneasy when I can tell it’s sexual or he’s looking at me in a certain way.

im just not sure what to do really

Anyone?

I'm trying to pick through your OP.....

It sounds like you are creeped out by the thought of having sex with him. That bit is a total relationship killer whatever age you are. I think one of the reasons my marriage fell apart was lack of intimacy - which doesn't just mean good sex but just lying in bed next to each other airing ideas and frustrations.

The bit about keeping the house clean is an interesting one given you don't work. Most men if I am brutally honest do not want to spend their spare time cleaning if they have done a 50-60 hour week however if you are putting the work in (and it's a prid pro quo for not working) then that ought to be discussed.

I suspect I am at least a couple of decades older than you and I miss all those things mentioned in your last sentence.

I suspect DH might feel the same way - time to sit him down for a deep and meaningful and even if it doesn't go right then at least you will have a better idea of the way forward

You’re right, we probably do need to talk about it, but I’m scared. He is amazing and we are so close, just not in that way.

I’m not totally creeped out, but yes, I don’t think I want to. I still have feelings when we hug etc, but nothing sexual - wouldn’t want to kiss etc either.

I do my best around the house and it’s fine, not perfect but fine and mostly tidy. I have other commitments during the week too and am also a part time carer. He gets very obsessed about how much stuff we have, clutter etc and will get grumpy and go on a mission! The other day he was so irritable and I saw he’d rearranged some of the kitchen cupboards!

I am not sure I can imagine being like this in another ten years, a sexless marriage, but I adore him and feel as though everything would fall apart if we split. I would miss him so much and our children would find it beyond hard, one has emotional difficulties and needs. I don’t know where I’d love. I love our current house. I’d miss his family too. But I don’t know if this is right and I do find myself looking at other men.

i feel awful!

I think marriage counselling works help, if you want your marriage to be better than it is. Otherwise, you'll be susceptible to the attention of other men and will end up up having an affair.

To much hurt comes from affairs.

I’m just not sure we will be able to get that sexual/physical side of our lives back, or that I even want to.

I’m just not sure we will be able to get that sexual/physical side of our lives back, or that I even want to.

Then the marriage is effectively over if you feel this way. You can coast along for a while, but for things to get better, you heart needs to be in it.

Divorce isn't easy.
Losing time with your kids and new partners/stepparents ..

Try and exhaust all avenues before you split...but getting involved with someone else just complicates things.

How does he feel? Your husband...

I think he seems quite happy really!
Gets more irritable these days, but he works hard and we both have a lot of worry in our lives!

Do a lot of marriages end up a little like this after being together for tens of years - on the sex front I mean?
I think I’m craving more, but don’t want change and the grass isn’t always greener, I appreciate that.

Is your husband happy with not having sex at all? It certainly doesn't seem as though he is.

Either work really hard at getting your sex life back or end it. It doesn't sound as though the two of you can even communicate about sex.

I don’t think it bothers him to be honest! He has never been totally confident with it or had a high sex drive. My sex drive was always higher.

You’re right, we find it awkward communicating about it and just lightly tough on it or joke light heartedly.

If there are sex scenes on tv or any reference to lack of sex life, it’s slightly awkward too!