Finding DH repellent (at times) due to FIL

[AnnieDav]

Name changed for this.

Background - I don’t particularly like my FIL. He is judgemental and makes endless barbed comments about everything from my appearance to my parenting. Always out of earshot of DH (who has a complex relationship with FIL). I tolerate FIL for DC sake as they love him (even though he’s not a particularly good grandparent but that’s another story).

Current issue - DH and I have been together since late teens (now early 40s). The older he gets, the more my DH is morphing physically into FIL (thankfully not personality wise). They don’t actually look alike at all but DH is developing very similar mannerisms and facial expressions which make him look just like him.

I find this really triggering (because FIL is such a w*anker) and it is making me really irritable with DH and making me find him really unattractive. I feel awful for saying that.

Am I out on a limb here or has anyone else experienced anything similar?

re your comment:
"I tolerate FIL for DC sake as they love him (even though he’s not a particularly good grandparent but that’s another story)".

Please stop doing this as of now, its a huge mistake and all that does is show your kids that its ok for you also to be disrespected by their grandad. Why are any of you seeing this man at all?. Not all relatives are nice and kind and some of them are actively abusive towards their now adult children and their family members. Its no surprise therefore your DH has a complex relationship with him due to his own fear, obligation and guilt that the parents instilled in him (all misplaced). If a parent or relative is too toxic/difficult/batshit for YOU (and your DH) to deal with, its the SAME deal for your children as well. He is doing this also because he can.

You may want to read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward. Your H could read Toxic Parents by the same author.

Where are your boundaries like re your FIL?. Revise these upwards and urgently for your own sake as well as your family's. Stop tolerating his bullshit bullying comments. You would not tolerate a friend doing this, he is no different.

Have you (or your DH for that matter) ever called out your FIL on his behaviour and is DH aware of his comments made about you and your parenting when he is not in earshot?. The two of you at least now need to present a united front when it comes to someone like this. You would not tolerate this from a friend, he is no different. If he cannot behave civilly then he should be seeing none of you. If your parents are nice and importantly emotionally healthy, then concentrate your efforts on them instead.

You do not mention MIL; where is she?. I ask only as she is not mentioned.

Your DH is NOT his dad; they are two completely separate people. Your DH may well have copied some of his mannerisms and expressions but that is to be expected really because they've raised him.

Yes! It gives me a sort of 'ick' when my husband does and says things that sound like his father....

@AttilaTheMeerkat Your points are all valid and I really appreciate you taking the time to reply.

Just to give a bit more info to clarify:

• He’s not a bad grandparent in any toxic way to DC, he just doesn’t make a huge amount of effort to see them and prioritises other things over spending time with them - when he does see them he is lovely to them and doesn’t criticise me in front of them (I wouldn’t stand for that)
• DH’s relationship with him is difficult because of FIL’s total refusal to ever admit he’s wrong which leads into…
• We have both addressed it directly with FIL and with MIL (who is on the whole a lovely person) but it has had little effect so our mutual agreement (between DH and I) is that we see them as little as possible (I haven’t seen them since Christmas, as an example)
• As you recommend, I have a lovely supporting family who treat DH with respect so we do concentrate our energies on them

Thank you for your thoughts, I really can’t disagree with you and will have a look at those books